My father in law's house has sold, which is good, but it's still weird how we "erase" everything as if they were not here. Of course we still have some of the things from my husband's parent's, and i have some of my mom's things but mostly we had to get rid of so many things, and it only makes sense to do that. My mom's dresser is gone in dad's room, which is also good but was weird. 

I had a few really rough weeks. I don't know if it's because I feel like I remember so much of heaven…

You know, miracles really are everywhere. My husband's aunt, whom I love dearly, was with us when my father in law passed. She's the oldest sister. He's the 2nd sibling she has lost. My father in law LOVES this book, and couldn't stop raving about it. Patty found it, it was the only one on the shelf and it jumped into her hands, she swears she barely reached for it. Anyway, she sent it to me now, maybe knowing how lost I feel right now.  And it's working. It's a pretty awesome…

Well here is how fast this fall happened. 

Today was a great day! I told you. Just before. In the post JUST BEFORE this. Then my friend asked if I could go to the grocery store for her. I do NOT have panic attacks, but since all this loss, I FREAK OUT in there. It's stupid, but i leave in tears every time. And i usually never get everything i needed, because at some point i just have to GET THE HELL OUT AND AWAY. But I'm trying, right? I am nothing if not trying, so I said…

I think I felt my soul expand to make room for the mad and sad. Because I feel BETTER but not because of a lack of mad and sad. I feel better because I think...I expanded. I can feel joy much better now.  I mean, I have not had to try so hard to LIVE in such a very long time. I am doing everything RIGHT, I am being outside and barefoot as much as possible, I am eating well and drinking my favorite tea and taking epsom salt baths and chanting NICE things in my head like I AM LOVE instead of…