My father in law's house has sold, which is good, but it's still weird how we "erase" everything as if they were not here. Of course we still have some of the things from my husband's parent's, and i have some of my mom's things but mostly we had to get rid of so many things, and it only makes sense to do that. My mom's dresser is gone in dad's room, which is also good but was weird. 

I had a few really rough weeks. I don't know if it's because I feel like I remember so much of heaven that I don't feel "stuck" here... I mean, I feel stuck, but i don't feel like THIS is home. I feel how temporary this is. And it feels pointless being here.  I am a mother, a wife, and I know I hold a place, but it feels very pointless. 

So I did the only thing that I know to do. I found a fundraiser for a man who has terminal brain cancer, his family lives nearby, and I dove in. I am shaving my head on July 25th. My goal was $500 to raise for this family and we've passed that and that number will keep going up. Know what's so super amazing to me? Is that my friends and family have given OVER $500 to a family THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!  Isn't that just the best ever? They know what it's like to watch cancer sweep in and kick someone's ass, or else they don't and are thankful for that. Either way, these loves are just loving this family from afar. I have some friends and family coming to the benefit so that I will know people there also.  I really hurt for this family, he was in the middle of LIFE, 2 young kids, his parents are both still alive so they are watching this happen to one of their children. This hurting feeling feels so familiar to me. I'm making new friends through this nightmare!

It's the only way. 

I really hate having my head shaved. I mean, REALLY. People in public don't look at me. They have SEEN me but won't make eye contact, because they don't know what to do with a girl whose hair is so short. It's been the same both other times I've done it. They don't know what to do with me so they avoid me. If I really need help in a store, they are overly nice and kind to me. After about 2 months my hair will be about an inch long and for some reason this is accetable. I have either beat the cancer or I actually want my hair that short. It's been the exact same both times. I remember being in the grocery store the last time, the day that I was back "in" society, people woul ay hi to me and look me in the eye again, I felt so welcomed back. It's so damned weird. I HATE it. I have started to warn the people I clean for and the people I see regularly at the grocery store or bank and friends, so they won't be too shocked when they see me for the first time or second time etc. Vanity is so stupid anyway. I don't have terminal brain cancer, or leukemia, or appendix cancer, or lymphoma, and my kids are healthy and my husband is healthy and thank God, the only parent left is healthy. My stupid hair (it's NOT stupid! It's long and beautiful and I love it!!!!!)will grow back. It grows back every time. It will this time too, and it's my announcement to the world that I can't see the point of being here but I can hold people's hands who are going through this nightmare too. 

So.that's my way out of the hole I was in. For now.