thank you for the email i truly appreciate it, i will listen to the podcast later today. im a fan of npr anyway, did you know you can listen to episodes of this american life anytime online?

Done!  Thanks.

Hi, I wanted to thank you earlier for your response to one of my posts, but I was too drained to do it.  I am so grateful for your words of kindness and understanding.  I get that even though the death of your hubby happened longer ago, the pain is still there.  A book I read called the second year of grief 'the lonely year'.  It talked about all the 'firsts' of the first year loss being experienced, but not being less painful- just that the only thing was that you lived through it once before.  It talks about how life is never the same and that you can never get over your loss.  So I understand your hurt, and I appreciate your reaching out to me and sharing your being through what I am going through now.
I guess we live not super far away from each other, maybe we can meet in the middle sometime and talk.  Whether we ever do that or not, I am so grateful for your sharing with me. 

Dear m Morgan - I am so sorry for your loss. I believe that 11:11 is a "digital" sign from those who have passed to let us know they are there. WE continue to see it all the time. Many believe that this is the time that the "gates of heaven open" and spirits come to us then. Many feel that when you are struggling with an answer to something or wondering if you have made the right decision, it will appear to let you know that they are with you and they are affirming you. Others also see other series of numbers like 444, 1212. Whatever. But the amount of info I found on the 11:11 phenomenon blew my mind when it first happened. My husband didn't really know for sure if spirit lives on until our son gave us that sign and now that we continue to see it, he says that is the sign that made him believe. I honestly could not survive this death of my only child if i did not believe that he lives on in a dimension that we are not supposed to know yet. And he is okay and happy and doing really amazing things. I have also had readings with 2 mediums and had powerful messages that confirm that. I actually had a reading from the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo last year. I went to a huge group show with the intent of getting a reading. I heard my son say he would come if I would go. I bought 1 ticket for myself close to the stage. Just before she was almost done with the 2 hour show, she came to me and my son came through. I felt like we had a date! I talked to him afterwards a lot. I know someday we will be together again in the same form But for now, those signs are REAL and when you see 11:11 know that the love of your life is there, letting you know he's with you.

Thank you for the condolences, I appreciate it.  As you said, I had an interesting way of expressing myself.  I guess it's because it is complicated, my wife chose to leave which is difficult.

All I new that night was she had too much to drink, which made no sense way she would choose to end her life.  My son has told me so much more since then, that I really don't know if I wanted to know.  It has probably made my posts interesting.  Thanks again,  Mark

Hi M Morgan, I appreciate your comments and your perspective on my blog post, I want to here a wide spectrum of opinions on the state of grief.  I am not a very religious man but do believe that there is much much more to our  existence than what we can perceive.  

I am just searching for answers, like you, looking to stop the hurting without hurting myself.   When I do think beyond my immediate pain, the pain is pushed to the background and lessened.  So anything that makes me think helps, case in point your comment and I thank you for that.

I really hope we can move beyond this painful state without coming out the other side too damaged.

I wish you all the best 

Mark

Hi m morgan,

Thanks for the note. I'd like it very much if you would drop me a more personal note from time to time.

My life has been reduced to just sitting around endlessly and pointlessly, for the day to pass and sink into oblivion for a few hours. What a sorry life! I know that you know what I am talking about. Before when Joseph was alive and in good health, our days were full, full of love for one another, things that we did together and found pleasure in, hearts full of happiness and gratitude for our good fortune--that we had one another and shared a happy life together. When we did things with our friends separately, we couldn't wait to get back home and share. Our love was enough to sustain us, the rest of it, our successful professional lives, good friends and loving family was just a bonus. Now life seems dull and gray, even though the other things still remain. But none of it is worth much without my wonderful, wonderful darling  Joseph to share it with me. Sad, sad, sad...

I know that your loss occurred a year or so before mine, and you are still very much in the thick of it. I do hope that over time you find some amount of peace and that the pain of loss is not as intense or gut-wrenching as before. Things will never be the same again, we will be only a shadow of our former selves, I know...

Hi Morgan. Thank you so very much for your kind words, I am so sorry that you lost your husband. This kind of loss, that of losing a spouse, has to be among the most devastating. I'm lost without my wife, and I'm sure you feel something like that without your husband. I'm hoping this group will be helpful to all of us who are here. I take comfort in your words, and I thank you so much for them.

Morgan, Thank you so much for your kind words and welcome. I too wish I didnt have to be here but I felt like maybe I needed some support from other people who have lost a spouse.  Its hard but I keep going. I just want to disappear. I dont even want to live this life anymore..... 

Hi Morgan,  thank you for the supporting, kind words. So sorry you lost your cat also... Sorry for response delay, had family visit, trip to see my Dads grave. Had not been back since funeral 15 years ago.  Ticking off my bucket list.  Coming up on one year since I lost my husband. Wondering why I am here....at our home...thought  my brain and heart would be better.  Reliving his death day in dreams and mind 24/7... wish I could breath!   Thank you again...,,

Dear morgan,

Sorry I didn't see this very kind and thoughtful post from you until now. Since you wrote to me on 4th August, I was traveling and was too overwhelmed to have checked my email, and hence this fell through the cracks, until today which is very significant. You wrote to console me on the first anniversary of Joseph's death and tomorrow is my birthday. I am feeling extremely down since a couple of days ago, so reading your message made me feel that there is someone out there who really understands and who cares. Thank you for reaching out and for trying to bring me comfort. 

Joseph's memorial service in a state park in Ithaca was deeply moving and very meaningful. Everyone present at the gathering felt Joseph's presence when the tall trees overhead started to rustle gently in the breeze just as his father spoke the first opening words. We were all under the impression of the solemn ceremony for a long time. And we continued later at a restaurant, reminiscing about Joseph and telling stories and jokes about him. It was truly memorable.

As I write these lines, I have tears in my eyes as it will be another tough day  tomorrow (tougher than usual) as I face my birthday a second time without my Joseph. The only question that I can ask is when will it be my turn. I can't go on living like this forever and forever. You know how it feels.

I send you good thoughts and wishes for peace as you read this message. Thank you again for your moral and emotional support. I appreciate it!

Thank you Morgan....I told a friend of mine that they had finally chiseled Nancy's death date in to our headstone. Next to hers is my name without(of course) a death date. I laughed and said that's because I'm immortal. I was kidding of course but how I wish there was a date there, the same date as Nancy's. Then, this never ending searing pain would be over. I'm finding the balm that soothes me these days is not in the support of local friends but more in this group with people like you who understand exactly what's happening. Who experience it on a daily basis and who's comforting words always make the difference in a dark days passage. I believe that without this site and the people who belong to it, I would be in some facility somewhere looking at a cement wall and blubbering out gibberish. So, I will continue my vigil, looking for signs of my Nancy, praying to God for release and relying on the kindness and empathy I find in this God blessed group. Thank you again, Morgan. and may God bring you and all of us the peace we so desperately need in our journey through grief.

Me, too, Mel. This is the only place where words make any sense to me.

Thank you.  Its good to find somewhere to share where I know I can be honest about the turmoil I feel without feeling like I'm the only one.  

Morgan

I could have signed my name to your post. It is the exact same words that would have come from my heart. I lost my Jim on April 1st, 2015 after being with him for 38 years. Most days I still find it hard to breathe. We not only lived together, we worked together, so I feel his loss everywhere. I am so dreading Christmas coming. I don't know who I am without him. I have spent every Christmas with him since I was 19 years old. He really was a good man. The woman that I had speak at his service said that she had heard many people describe their lost love ones as being "larger than life", but with my Jim, it was the first time that she believed it. When you are with a person like he was, there are so many people that he knew and that thought the world of him, it's hard to go anywhere without a reminder of him. Not that I could ever or would ever forget him, he was my everything. Unlike a lot of people that speak here, I am blessed to have two kids that are there for me everyday, but I hate having them see me so sad. I will miss him forever.

Hi Morgan,

I just now saw your post on my page.  I agree, this site, while most of the time I may just read the comments and rarely comment has been very helpful to make me not feel like I have completely gone crazy. It's nice to be able to be completely honest and not have anyone judge you for the thoughts that go through our mind, and how awful we are feeling.

Thank you for your kind words, and for reaching out.

Rebekah

Thank you so much I really do appreciate your message and kind words! I'm sorry for your loss as well.

Thanks for contacting me Morgan. It's good to know there is a place to share this part of the journey of life that we're all experiencing. It's only been a week since my honey passed, and we had a great loving bond. So what I'm experiencing is that if I put my attention on how much love we shared, that along with my sobbing a lot of gratitude arises for how much she gave me. She loved me unconditionally and kept supporting me through all of my life's challenges ... and her love is still with me and is giving me so much support through THIS challenge. I don't hold back my tears. I miss her dearly. Sitting and watching TV next to her empty chair is so sad. Coming home to an empty house. So I cry when I need to. A LOT. But I'm finding that crying is making me stronger, and when I feel that lump of sadness coming up I just go with it.

But I'm committed to getting stronger and learning to enjoy life. I know that's what she would want for me if she could speak. All through her illness she was more concerned for MY suffering ... watching and caring for her. It was a gift of her love.

I realize that it's only been a week, and that perhaps much has not "hit me yet". But from where I am, the way to healing for me is allowing my feelings to come up but not to get stuck in them. Something like "I'm really sad and lonely, but I'm going to get stronger."

My wish is that everyone be able to really feel their deepest feelings and let them come up, and cry, and then go on living. Feeling my feelings makes me stronger, and I can feel my sweetie cheering me on.

Hey morgan, I was reading through the main room chat and saw your comment of, "I said at the beginning that when he died society took my arms and legs, made me blind and then told me to go to the supermarket." Like Jay, I like that too.

Hi Morgan, I relate to everything you say.  Would you like to read two articles I wrote to my local papers about grief, and a tribute to my latte wife ?

If you do, please give me your email address and I will attach them for you.

Regards

Michael UK

Thanks very much for your comment Morgan...it means a lot to me. Debs Xx

Hi Morgan,

"You have been catapulted into a different universe now.   You only will try to participate in the old one but you no longer "live" there.  I constantly have to try and tell myself my lover is still with me and as hard as that is it is all I've got.  Other than that I just manage the days."

You have captured the essence of my grief and loneliness in those very concise and poetic lines. No one has come even close to understanding what I am going through, except you, after a wonderful lifetime with my first and only love of 53 years. I thank you for your insight.

But the loss of my spouse is not my only problem. I also face  cruel abandonment by family and supposed friends; the latter of which have publicly chastised me on an Internet blog for not providing my spouse the Wake and Mass of Mother Church which they deem proper. So they shun me, and sit in judgment of me in spite of the fact that I arranged for the graveside burial in a non-denominational cemetery my spouse and I jointly and specifically selected shortly before his passing. It resolved a whole series of legal, social and religious issues. It is where where we will rest, for eternity, side by side. My love had entrusted me with his life and eternal soul, as I did with him, and no one has the right to question that. Their hatred is like a cancer which will ultimately consume them.

Thank you agin for you underastanding, Steve

You're insightful in your analysis of  people. But it's not easy to ignore them. When my love was alive I never faced such deceit and can't fathom why it is happening now that he is gone.  I look for some logic for their actions and cannot find any. Why has all this surfaced at this very late point in my life? What is there that instigates such nastiness?

My nephew and godson said he'll no longer drive me to my beloved’s cemetery and that my love will be “glad he no longer has to listen to me whine about my loss” at his grave site. What provokes such hate as to cause my nephew to judge our relationship and determine what my love would think?

Friends have determined that I, of a different faith than my beloved, did not provide a proper Roman Catholic Wake and Funeral Mass or bury him in a consecrated Catholic cemetery. My love and I entrusted our livesw and eternal souls to each other and long-ago after founding we were abandoned by our religions. Who are they to preach what is proper in where and how we are to be buried?

An elderly widow I befriended when her husband and my spouse both briefly shared a hospital room for Leukemia shortly before her husband of of 60 years passed away irrationally and suddenly told me I was a hateful person and shuns me.  Until this we had so much in common and became fast friends; going to theatre, museums and films. What instigated this?

Steve

Morgan,

Don't know where in this world you live so I don't know if the midnight date-mark on your e-mail means it was sent late at night. I have always been a late-night person and cannot fall asleep since losing my spouse until about 3:00 AM. I fall asleep each night crying and knowing that I will awake, once again, in the AM totally alone.

I will try to follow your advice to ignore the bastards of the world who seek to do me harm. We have enough on our plates with grieving to bother with their nastiness. Still must question if most people are so inherently evil that they will go out of their way to actively hurt us and why.

I envy that you knew your spouse since the 2nd grade. I did not meet mine until I was 23 1/2 but we had 53 years of great happiness together and I am grateful for that. Never knew of hatred or animosity when my beloved was alive. Perhaps I was blinded by love and did not see what really existed. I despair of the devisiveness and animosity that now pervades our current politics. I came of age in the days of "Camelot"; the JFK years of the 60's when there was great hope for a golden future. And my love and I enjoyed many golden years together. We had a city apartment and country home and in retirement we spent time in both as the mood struck us.

So I am appreciative of the many years of joy we had and am reassured that I will someday, once, again, be by my beloved's side. Our spouses now only exist in our memories and when we are gone, they too will totally disappear from this world. But our spirits will be eternally rejoined.

Stay strong...

Steve

Dear Morgan,

I tried sending you a message two days ago but I do not think it went through. It is floating around somewhere in the ether. I apologized for not contacting you since early June as I had a heart attack on 06/06/16, was hospitalized for a week and had a stent placed in my coronary artery. It is frightening enough to be in coronary instensive care with a loved one by my side but was terrible facing it totally alone. I had to call 911 to bring me to my local ER and was admitted immediately for an emergency angioplasty. My regular cardio doctor was not available so they assigned me the cardiologist who treated my spouse for may years. In fact he is the dcotor who diagnosed the leukemia that took my love from me ten months later. So I do not thing that was a coincidence and that my love is looking out for me still. In a way I am disapaointed that the angioplasty was successful as I could have been with my spouse, for eternity, that much sooner. But once I am gone there will be no one on earth to remember our love and very long term realtionship and then marriage. So I go on but look forward to the day we will once again be together. I hope things are going better for you.Steve

Hi Morgan, thanks for writing me, I appreciate it. Please see the video I posted. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35E7cin_bs0

Hi Morgan, Thanks for your post. Yes, i would agree with that. Life is so empty and meaning is gone from our world when our love in no longer here in this life with us. It all seems so futile.

You take care too, ((((Hugs))))

Hi Morgan,

I wanted to thank you for welcoming me to the group.  I couldn't find a way to reply directly to your note so I'm afraid my comment is ending up on your wall.  27 days from diagnosis to death is just awful.  I thought my 5 months was short.  And it was. But, 27 days?  I don't know what to think about the shortness of time.  I wish I had gotten 5 more years with my love, or 10, or 20!  I wish I was 53 as I was writing this and not 43.  I can't imagine living God knows how many more years are in store for me.  Why can't my life be taken instead of splitting up another soulmate couple? Why can't we go with our loves? Life is so damn unfair.  My husband and I never really spoke about the possibility of his dying.  The only time it really came up was right when he was diagnosed and he said (while crying) "I'm not afraid of dying but I can't leave you." We were convinced that we would be the 1%.  I wonder if he was keeping his feelings from me to protect me or if he truly thought he would kick the cancer, as I did.  Did you and your love talk about the possibility of his dying and leaving you?  It's one of those things that I really need from him.  I need to know what he thinks of this whole thing. I wish we had made some plans or something - like signs he would leave me or wishes he had for me for my future.  He always said that if anything ever happened to me that he would take his life.  I feel guilty that I haven't.  Does that mean I love him less?  I wonder what he would have wanted for my life.  Answers I'll never know.  It sucks.  

Morgan, thank you for reaching out.  I am so sorry for your loss to.  I agree that no one can understand the loss of a spouse unless they too have experienced it first hand.  It is a unique loss like losing a child.  I feel after reading your posts that your support system was either non-existing or has failed you terribly. No one can tell you comfortingly that they know how you feel and to try to move on.  It has only been three weeks since Larry passed.  Some days if feels like forever and somedays it feels like yesterday.  Losing Larry to cancer was hard in that he was wasting physically and mentally.  He knew the disease was taking him slowly and sometimes painfully, especially after treatment.  In a way I am glad for you that you and you beloved did not have to suffer a long drawn out ending, though in my experience it allowed Larry and I to talk and grieve together and is an experience i would never wish away.  Larry strictly forbade me from trying to join him and after the first few hours and days that idea slowly faded.  It has not left completely and never will, but I will learn to live with it like the loss of Larry's physical presence.  I am not a religiously spiritual person and neither was Larry, but we both believe in a spiritual existence after the physical body has stopped functioning.  I know it exists as we have had many experiences with passed loved ones contacting us through signs and presence in reflections in mirrors and windows.  Larry has contacted me and let me know he is ok and I will be too eventually.  He reminded me to find my own strength, especially in the love we shared.  I say this to you today to hopefully give you the strength to look for these signs from your loved one.  They are there, you have to be open for them.  If you are not right now, you will be!  The strength you have in continuing on through the pain, feeling the loss, and feeling like you are wasting away shows you the depth of the love you shared together and your strength.  Use that love and strength.  It will never fail you like people can. 

Please continue to post and chat here.  You need to continue to reach out.  It too is a validation of your personal strength.

Be well and remember to feel the true love you have inside you that was created by you both.

Morgan,

You seem to be the only person that feels the way do. My grief will end for the rest of my life and I will not get over it. I did not want to post this to those who have just lost someone. 

Morgan,

You feel just like I do. A first I thought I was plain

crazy until I found this website. We are just walking zombies, doing what we have to do, I will never be the same Linda I was with Julian. Everyone thinks I'm better, but inside I will never be the same again. Each morning I wake up wishing I didn't. I would like to end my life know because I am dead inside, but taking my own life as I was taught in my religion I would not join him in heaven, so as an option I put it out of mind and just accept each day as it comes.   

Hi Alice,

Love your comment, I will never see the light at the end of the tunnel until I'm gone from this hell on earth

Morgan,

thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if I hurt myself I won’t be allowed in heaven and I can’t give up the chance of being with her again.  You said you eat a lot of salt and sugar, I’ve been eating bacon and drinking non organic milk.  I sit in my room all day, actually been sleeping during the day, up all night because one night I couldn’t sleep and it just stayed that way.  Sleeping doesn’t even feel good anymore and always feel anxious when I get up.  I don’t do anything at all and like you, see no purpose in me being here.  I still don’t know how I am even writing, eating most days only because my Dad forces me, and driving to the therapist because I should have had a heart attack or nervous breakdown instantly or at least by now.  It’s almost 2 months.  I’m on meds for ocd and depression but lowered them way down myself because I thought they were making me numb.  How do I get to her?

Morgan, first let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. My blogs are not to promote religion, but to express what has helped me in times of hardship. My feelings are Scriptural and that is what I share. No slight or disrespect intended. - Mike

Dear Morgan, thank you so much for your kind and honest words.  I appreciate you reaching out to me, that alone gives me sustenance to get through another day.  Blessed be.  Linda

Morgan, I didn't see your comment because I think I messed up posting my comment ontop of Jon-Pauls, I apolgize, new here and just getting to know how things work. I am not going to wish anyone Happy Holidays, or a Merry Christmas because I can see by reading everyones posts, we all felt the same.  Dreading New Years the most actually, my birthday and Christmas were brutal, but to welcome in a New Year?  Thank you for your understanding and relating to what I wrote.  I will continue to keep all of you, including myself in my daily prayers.

Dear Morgan,

You said, ”What the hell happened to him.  Where is he?  I want to know and I know that is impossible.”  I noticed these 2 questions that you asked and noticed that you don’t feel it is possible to find an answers. 

I have found answers to these questions and many more big questions of life. Where I have found satisfying answer to the questions is on the www.jw.org website. A Bible writer said to God, ““Give me understanding . . . Your word is truth.”​—Psalm 119:144, 160. The Bible is providing answers for millions of people. Would you like to be one of them? The jw.org^® website can help you.