Laurie,

I am so sorry to hear of your partner dying and that you had obviously no warning that it was about to happen.  Breathing will be one of the many things you will have to relearn.  I have compared this grief as starting out being an infant.  You will have to construct a life with none of the tools you took for granted before.  You will have to learn how to crawl before you can learn to walk or talk.  I can't say how long it is for anyone else but I think I can say you have just been signed up to have a longer trip that you expect going down this path.  This is not to depress you.  What I am trying to say is don't expect too much from yourself because most things will not seem very familiar now.  The sage advice is to "take baby steps".  Don't try to take on too much and consider anything you do get done as a victory.  If you get your teeth brushed…..victory.  If you get something in your stomach…..victory.  That away the lack of what you think you should be doing won't loom so large.

I have been on this site for quite awhile and it is a good place to come and read or write.  People here all understand.  There is one part of the blog called “lost your spouse” where many of us write.  Stay with us as you will not feel so alone in your suffering.  You will learn that your pain is our pain.  It will let you know that everything you are feeling is pretty normal for all of us here.  

No one has answers we all just share in walking beside each other for support.  Take care.  We are here for you.

Morgan

Laurie,

Just saw your friend request.  I never feel like I am much of a friend sometimes because I can't seem to pick myself enough to be very positive.  I struggle so much still.  Right now I have turned off my phone and refuse to have contact with those who have tried to support me through my grief.  I have no desire to interact.  I believe most of this has to do with the fact we are approaching holidays again.  I have stayed in my pajamas all day and am eating very little.  I wish I knew of some way to just stop thinking that I have lost everything I knew.  I have had some time where I am not as down but not quite enough to feel as though the journey is so much better than the options.  The problem for me seems to be I don't have the courage to die but I also don't have the desire to live.  It is a constant conflict.  

The best thing is that I know I am not crazy nor is this abnormal because so many other people are suffering the same way I am.  We all just deal with it the best we can.  It is always in flux and some days might be better.  Just know I and others are here for you.  And you will be here for us.  Thank you for reaching out.