Sara,
I had been away from this site for a while. The holidays and stuff kept me at a distance. Thank you for your note to me. It's so hard to deal day to day without my Tom. I find myself talking to him even though he is not here. He was my best friend. I have no one that can take his place. So, I still talk to him and often I can imagine what his response would be...I went from an emotional wreck to an empty numb shell of a person. I feel blank, hollow, depleted.
I get through my days but just for the sake of getting through. I live in a routine with minimal variance. My husband was my spontaneity....he changed up my world. I have no desire for that now without him.
But anyway, sorry for taking so long to respond...I just read your post from November, today. Take care.
Angela

Hi Sara. Thanks for checking on me.
I'm glad to hear you are doing a few things for yourself. Setting up a little flower bed and someplace to just sit and contemplate life sounds like a wonderful idea! I have a small flower garden that I haven't yet determined which are flowers and which are weeds, that I try to add to every year. My real haunt is the vegetable garden.Probably about 25 feet by 25 feet...Bill started it for me many years ago...ran water down there, put up a 3 foot fence to protect it from critters. I almost didn't do it last year, but some friends of mine came and helped plant. This year I did it on my own(ok my daughter helped). I have to weed almost everyday, so that's when my mind wanders and I remember Bill and our life together. It's been eye opening, these past 18 months. I realize more and more all that he did FOR me. I sure hope I let him know how much I appreciated it at the time. I also am realizing what activities I miss doing with him...the fishing, walks in the woods, even shopping at hardware stores. I miss hearing his calming voice...he was always so understanding and supportive.
But, I know you miss Jim too! Are you still running the business? I give you a lot of credit keeping it going. I was just too burned out to continue working...I miss the people but that's it! I do need to find another focus tho...My only passion has been my family...so I need to find another one...Passion, not family.
Look how far we've come. We've experienced all those awful firsts without our spouses...it's got to get a little easier, or better, doesn't it?

Do you find there are things that you just can't handle anymore? Things you used to like that just "hurt" now? I find that I can't listen to live music anymore...it's just too loud. I can have the radio on and it's ok...but, live music just sets me off. I also don't handle large crowds anymore. I'm much better in a 1:1 or small group setting.
Regardless, I deal better with the situation in summer than winter. I like to be outside even if it's mowing the grass or weeding the damn garden...Anyhow, we can't change what's happened so we have to learn to live with it.
Hope life is being kinder to you....

Hope you are doing ok Sara. So many similarities. My heart goes out to you with love and sympathy. Irwin