today it sucks being me.I have so many things in my mind to say but I can't express them don't know who to express them to.Going on my 3rd week without my wife and the sadness just keeps on piling on.I've been trying to make so projects to stay active and have been back to work.The problem with working is it seems like the whole day I feel up with saddness and when I finally convince myself to go home,the saddness comes out in torrents of tears.I bought a bush yesterday and hope to plant it today.I folded a couple of her shirts to put a way.definately not ready for that yet.Starting to take over keeping our fiancial records now,Having to her death to all these agencies is a real low point.It almost seems that she was never here except in my memories and the more special the memory the deeper the hurt.I'm trying to make some changes in my life but its a slow process for me.For now its just me and my birds,don't know how long that will last before I loose my mind.My loss is like a deep wound,hopefully one day it will heal but it will leave one massive scar.Gonna try to plant that bush. god bless     

Hi Vince, sorry you are having such a rough day .. believe me I have had a lot of those.  I know it was hard to go back to work but I am glad you are trying to do keep doing what you need to do.   Plant that bush that bought and as you see it grow you can think of your wife not suffering but free to watch over you always.  

I know for me going to training last week for two days was really hard.  But I also know that I have to start going out of the house and interacting with people.  I have tried to go to church a few times since my husband's passing, and my church family is awesome, but its hard being there without him.  All I seem to do is cry the whole service.  So once again today I have procrastinated until its too late to go.

 Hope the rest of the day gets easier for you.

Joanne,

I am so sorry to hear your story,I have also lost my mate going on 3 weeks.I cry I miss her I don't have much drive however I an reading a book called "Through a Season of Grief" by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard.there is a chapter( emotions of grief) that goes into details the many emotions that we will face.They are unique to each of us and some get thru quicker than others but rest assured you will get thru it The book also help me sleep at night.If you need someone to talk to please contact me.I always need someone to talk to god bless   

Hi my name is Hope I lost my Mom to this dreaded disease Metastic Andocarcinoma (Cancer that spreads throughout the body orgin unknown) to me it seemed to come out of nowhere and develop overtime I had know idea my mom was ever sick arthiritis maybe but that all we spent everyday together, went on cruises and other family trips not realizing all this would be ending soon.  I hate the fact that she chose not to tell me and if I hear one more time it was out of love and concern for me I'm going to scream. I am my mom's only child and we were close as gum too a shoe yes I have a full life my dad, a husband, children and a grandson but this emptiness I feel haunts me each minute and it tends to overshadow the good times. I tell others I'm fine that I'm doing okay but, I'm lying to them and to myself I'm just existing until it's my turn.  It's been 7mos since she went to Glory and my life seems meaningless without her. All the while in the hospital after radiation treatments and a brief week of dialysis I just knew she would get better I had know idea I was losing her. Hope needs help.

Dear Hope,

My deepest condolences.

Mike

July 20, 2010 I lost my grandfather, on my dad's side, to Leukeima. By the time the dr's caught it, it was to late no treatment could have helped, not even chemo. He was 82 years old when he went home. He was the first of my close relatives to pass. Today I am grieving even more, about a month ago I lost my grandmother on my mom's side, she was like my 2nd mom. She raised me along with my oldest brother. My heart aches everyday with pain from the loss of both grandparents. I dont have anyone to talk to here. My family is all in Tx or Ok. I dont know how to deal with this alone. 

Hi Vince,

Good God you are in the eye of the storm and still numb, I know how awful it is.  It will be 1 year 6/6 I lost 1/2 my soul and I can't even bring myself to pick roses on our anniversary bush because I still feel everything just dies anyway; I hate all the memories and try to forget all this sentimental nonsense but still cannot part with his snowshoes or skis or anything he touched.  What a conundrum this human condition called grief we are not equipped or prepared for.  Some days I feel like a social outcast and this is the only place to go.  All we can do is hang in there and follow our hearts. 

Dear Hope,

I am sorry you have the compounded grief of you mother "sparing" you.  I still grapple with why my husband insisted I not tell his daughter; We argued and argued but to keep from upsetting him, complied.  It seems crazy, so I guess its just a lesson to learn; if we are in that situation, we would do it differently. 

Hi Jaylean, I am all alone in Louisiana; my husband is gone and my parents are suffering in their 90's in Chicago. I am trying to get back there but financially its a huge hurdle.  If something happens to them I will go crazy.  Its extremely hard to deal with grief from afar and the least we can do is commend our superhuman strength in doing so.  I sometimes feel I am a POW or am being tortured to live this existence in silence and am glad that when I come here, I am not alone. 

Dear Hope, I am sorry for your loss.  

Hi Jaylean,  Its hard being away from family when we are grieving so much .. my heart goes out to you.  God Bless!

Dear Maura,

I know how you feel.  My condolences

I lost my husband Bob, to liver cancer on Dec 22. He was "perfectly fine" until August 12, when he had internal bleeding. In the next five months he went to ER and was admitted to the hospital five times. Before it even sunk in that he had cancer, he was gone. He was everything to me. I miss him so much. He was only 63.

Dear Debra,

My Condolences.  I lost my Denise to colon cancer almost 3 years ago and I still cannot take it.

They say cancer is the disease that kills your body before it lets you die. Sure enough, he disappeared before my very eyes. No pain though, until the last 48 hours.

I am so sorry for your loss Debra. Strangely enough I lost my husband on Dec. 22, 2010. He retired and the next day I took him to the er and they found a brain tumor. The next 16 months is a blur. Like you said he had no pain and that was the best if there can be one. With brain cancer it can be very bad. The worst part was he was my computer wizard and anything that needed to be fixed he could. It was hardest watching that ability go and he knew it. He never complained right up until the last day. He is my hero and I miss him every waking moment. I am afraid with a year more than you have it doesn't change much. You miss them and cry and go through the motions of your life. At least we have our memories. God bless us all!

Thank you so much for your post, Jeanne. I was so fortunate that Bob was lucid the whole time. We never lost that part of our lives together. I saw you in the Chat Room a little while ago. Let's chat next time -- there ARE no coincidences! :)

I lost my Step Dad to stomach cancer in March of this year. He battled the cancer for 18 months and 10 months into the battle we thought we had won. Even though he was my Step Dad he was very much apart of my life for the past 16 years and has been apart of my children's lives since they were born. I have been struggling every day since his death to go on. I have started medications a month ago and felt good the past couple weeks but this week has been really really hard. Every day one of my children brings up my Dad and it just makes me sad to think that they will never be able to hug him again or hear him say "Your doing well." I am just looking to talk to other people who understand my pain. 

I am so sorry for your loss Tina. My husband was my sons step father since he was 8 years old. He gave my husband very hard times for many years and it wasn't until a few years before my husband got sick and my son was a father himself that he realized how much my husband meant to him. He is really the only father figure he ever had although his real father is still living but no contact with him. When we found out my husband was sick my son took over helping me redo the house to get ready for my husband to come home. He was a very big help the whole time of his illness. My grandchildren were his grandchildren and they still talk about grandpa and how much they loved him and miss him. We encourage them to talk about their feelings about him. Last year for the Memorial day parade my granddaughter and grandson were marching with the scouts and they took my husbands army picture from Viet Nam and made pins to wear in the parade. It was their idea and a good way to have good thoughts about him. I could not go to the parade last year as I had gone with my husband the year before and was not ready for it. Maybe this year. After my husband passed my son tried to take over my life. He wanted to help me with everything but that was more like his way or the highway. I sold my house like my husband and I had planned to. I moved on Dec. 21st just one day short of the anniversary of his death. I live with my sister and one of my brothers. We are very happy in this situation but my son wants nothing more to do with me because I did not buy a house  that he and his family could move in and take care of me. So I have lost my husband, my son and it seems now that my grandchildren are being used pawns against me. It is a sad situation. You expect to lose a parent but to lose your spouse or your child is unthinkable. My son does not seem to understand that I lost my soulmate and now what is left of our family is going to pot. Sorry I am rambling, but my point about your children at least is that it is good for them to talk about their grandfather. They don't have to feel like they cannot speak to you about him. It might even help you feel better to bring up good memories. I hope that you will start to feel a little better at least soon. It will take time, but you will come around to the point that you can talk about the good times and smile when you remember and if you cry that is ok too. It is a process with no pattern.

Jeanne thank you for your post .. my husband and I had also agreed that when either one of us passed the other would sell our home as it would be too painful to stay in it without the other.   Now that I am alone I have told my grown children that this was what Poppa and I had agreed to do but they are not happy at all.  Thankfully they are not controlling or trying to take over my life.  My son comes by to cut the grass because of my allergies and right now is helping his uncle repair the garage roof.  Some things have to be done before I can sell .. and slowly they will get done.  I am respecting my children's wishes to wait one year before selling, besides it gives me time to do some cosmetic fixing up so it will be good for whoever buys it.  I have to say it is really hard trying to sleep in the bedroom we shared for more than 25 years.  Most nights I cry myself to sleep and in the morning get up with a mega headache.  The last two nights we have had thunderstorms where the the sky was lit up by the lightening, the kind of storms we loved to watch together so have barely slept .. enough to function but that's about it.  Sorry now I am rambling .. I am sorry your son cannot understand how you are feeling and what you need for you.  Time is great healer and hopefully it will heal the rift between the two of you.  I can't imagine having no contact with my children, although will admit sometimes I do wish they didn't live quite so close.  The only thing I can think of to say is just keep doing what you feel is right for you .. don't be manipulated into a situation that you are not comfortable with.  Hugs to you.

Hi Maura & Mary, thank you. It isn't easy for me to open up to anyone but I feel I can't do this alone. Maura, I know how you feel, I feel like that also. When I found out my grandmother was really bad off I was worried I wouldn't be able to make it down there in time. Finances was making it hard to just pick up and leave. They kept her alive long enough for me to get there and say goodbye, by then she was already in a coma and she had passed hours after my arrival. I was doing ok while I was around family but now that i'm back at home, away from family, it's been really tough.   

Wow - all the sudden this group is busy. Cancer sucks. I support all cancer related organizations locally it's a little but every dollar helps a family or an organization helping those with cancer. I do this to honor my best friend who died of ovarian cancer.

I lost my best friend/soulfriend 2 weeks ago.  I am really struggling.  I cry most of the time.  Her and I did everything together.  I have lost a big part of who I am.  I beg G-D to bring her back.  I beg her to talk to me.  Today is my birthday and it is so damn hard. I feel so alone and so lost.  I try to keep myself busy and keep people around me and it helps but as soon as I am alone, I lose it.  She passed from metastatic breast cancer. I miss her deeply.  :'(

Kim I am so sorry for your loss and I still cry a lot and its been two months since my husband passed.  Its ok to cry, tears are healing although it doesn't feel like it.  I keep telling myself that.   Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.  

Thank  you Mary.  So sorry for your loss. 

When does the pain stop?  When does begging G-D to let her spirit come to me stop?  I am at the lowest I have ever been in my life.

Kim, I am not sure the pain does stop exactly, I think it gets easier to manage.  I have found that writing in a journal each night has helped, not sure whether its because I am venting to G*D and asking why? or whether its just providing an outlet to pour out my hurt.  Each entry is closed as a prayer and pretty much asking for my hugs and love be passed to my hubby.  For G*D to tell him he will always be loved and is missed so very much.  Hang in there and if you ever need to just vent I'd be happy to listen.  Blessings.

I spoke with my mother last night. Her boyfriend of 11 years is going through his second run with cancer and is not doing well. Some of the things she told me were like what my husband went through and I am overwhelmed with memories and trying to be supportive at the same time. Just when you think you got this..the emotions under control, BAM...I am so sad for her and know that she's doing this alone. He has 5 children and they live far away so mom is left holding his life. She is a nurse and trying to be as practical as she can be but I know she's hurting and I can not take that pain away from her. She spoke last night about how she is massaging him every night after his shower because he is so sore which brought me back to my baby and his last days, Ugh...I know we all have to go when God calls but cancer is so freaking ugly and I hate it. Huggs to all.

Hi Barb I don't know if it is better to go fast from cancer or have it linger.When my Jean got cancer the doctor gave her six months to a year .Well she lived almost thirteen months It was thirteen months of hell for her.If we were not going in for chemo it was for a blood tranfusion because the the chemo caused her blood count to get to low.She was in the chair longer for the transfusions then for chem treatments.Then she developed an absess on her butucks that had to be removed.After it was removed it was more trips to the hospital to have the wound repacked twice a week.Then one day they put a heart monitor on her because they wanted to see if she was developing a heart condition.On one of the trips home she had her pouch on where the bladder was removed,a drain on for the absess removel,the wires for the heart thing along with along ith the power port in her chest.Well on the way home i started to cry and she said to me it will be alright.I said no Jean its not going to be alright. I am going to lose you  it is never going to be alright. I love her and miss her so much. I told the kids that i will not die of cancer. It will be a heart attack but it will not really be a heart attack it will be from a broken heart. They keep saying it will get better but i know better all you do is hide it better. So all you can do is be the best person you can and hope you will meet again when your end time comes.God Bless Ron

I read the last 3 posts and I feel like you are my friends.  I hate that you are feeling the same as I feel yet it is good to know Im not losing my mind. My grand niece had major cancer surgery yesterday and I have not even called her mom or grandmom(my sister).  I did talk to her aunties(my nieces) on facebook last night so I know she made it through the surgery ok.  From the time she was diagnosed I have been reliving last year with my husband.  It just pains me so much that she and her husband have this to deal with.  Having lived a version of it makes me all to aware of the road ahead for them.  I guess I have so little faith in doctors now I have a hard time believing this time they will get it right the first time and save her life.  So many beautiful lives lost to this monster called cancer!!!!

Ron thank you for your kind words. I am in tears here after reading your words. My husband was ill in December 2010, diagnosed Feb 1, 2011, and died April 2, 2011.  Yesterday I felt as though I could breathe again but today that sense of no air is back. I am thankful he did not linger for months on end I am thankful if nothing else that he was gone as fast as he was. He was 52, and was devistated for sure that this was happening and did not want to die.

One of the only doctors who was compassionate told me that it is hard for someone so young to die like this will all of their faculties. The look in their eyes of desparation is so very real and there is nothing anyone can do. It is just not fair she said. I know we all feel that if we could have taken their place we would. I have been through divorce, and there were times I begged my ex to love me and stay but that was a waste of breath. I begged God to let me keep my love, and once again that was not meant to be either.

Today I am angry. I am hurt, and my feelings are so raw. I will go do the only thing I know how and take my shower and let the water wash away my tears.

Barbara, I understand your feelings of anger and hurt and etc. As I posted earlier I lost my soulfriend.  We were both single for many many years and our lives revolved around each other.  When she died May 12,2012 my whole world ended.  I find no joy in anything.  Every time I leave the house, floods of memories come about all the things we did together and all the things we could be doing.  I would rather stay in my house and hide in the closet and cry. 

As I read all your posts I cry for each of you and the loved ones you have lost.  Cancer seems to have no distinction, it hits at all ages, ravages bodies, hurts families and yet somehow continues to spread.  I pray that the cure for cancer comes soon so that others do not have to live through what our loved ones did or be left to grieve as another soul is taken home.   Ron, I think you are right, the hurt doesn't really get less we just get better at hiding it from others, to shield them from feeling hurt for us.   These days when people ask if is OK to stop by and I am especially down I tell them its not a good time but we will get together soon.  When I can't hold back tears and people are here, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.  Only a very few see through this and those are the ones who will hug me, tell  me its ok to cry and feel the way I do.  Blessings to you all.

Joni,I'll say a prayer for you and everyone else who choses to come to this site.I've been here for 4 weeks almost daily,looking for something to gently ease the pain.I don't know if anyone can answer all my questions. but many people here have been where you are and are great about how they dealt with thier unique sutuations that may be similar.Alot of my wife's family seems to be moving on with their lifes.For me I can't seem to make myself a sandwich even though I'm starving.I will share this with you Joni even though this weekend was very sad and lonely it wasn't as bad as last weekend.I got a nice prayer saved for you,I'll give it to God tonight for you.God bless  

This weekend was very tough.  I spent today with my nieces.  We went on the boat, fishing etc.  All these things brought back memories of the fun my friend and I had together doing these things.  But it also brought me a lot of pain bc it wasn't with her.  All I could think about was here I am enjoying the things her and I should be enjoying and she is laying in the casket.  She was young and wasn't ready to pass.  One of the last voice messages she left me (I was with her for the last year taking care of her) was her crying that she wanted us to have one more summer together.  One more time one more time (crying and begging G-D)  I just don't know about G-D any more.  I don't want to lose my faith but that is all it is FAITH!  I had faith that Jesus would lay his hands on her and heal her.  I had faith we would have a few more years together.  Where the hell did FAITH get me.  Sorry I am just so ANGRY!  Each day gets harder and harder and I want to crawl in a hole.  Hugs and blessings to all!

Joni I am so sorry for your loss.  I totally relate to your being frozen in time at points throughout the day and night, I feel that way often.  I will pray that soon you feel more able to take back control of your life and move forward.  I know the pain doesn't go away but I have to believe that we are given the strength to cope with it and move on otherwise there would be no point of a future.  Take care of yourself.  Hugs, prayers and blessings!

Hello all,

It has been so long since I commented…..but I read how the faith was lost (or being lost) and just felt compelled to respond.

When I first lost my father (my best friend and Superman as far as I was concerned) I was totally devastated. I think people thought that I should have been preparing myself for his death as it was obvious that he was losing the battle. I did not want to lose him but as his condition grew worse I put my selfish thoughts aside and prayed that God would grant him peace. He did and it felt like my heart was going to explode….literally! It felt that way for so long I thought it would always feel that way.

But, I wanted to address the anger. Not only was I angry with God but to be frank…I was PISSED at God. Everything that I have been taught, everything that I read and everything that I believed were put to the test. One day it became unbearable and I told God off! I told him that I didn’t think it was necessary for a person to suffer in such a horrendous manner. I told him that he could have healed him or done something… I told him a lot of things that were on my mind and I did not sugar coat anything. I mean, why should I, he knows your thoughts anyway. I said everything I had to say and sat there sobbing (as usual). But as time went on I heard a gentle voice address some of my questions and concerns. Now, I was still pissed but it helped me some. I said all of that to say this. Tell God or whoever/whatever your higher power is exactly how you feel. Believe me, he can take it. Tell him as often as you need to. It helps the anger.

Finally one night around 2am, the pain of losing my father became so unbearable that I just had to get up and walk. I walked and walked and then I left out of my home and walked the neighborhood. As dangerous as it was I had to do something…it felt like I was literally about to lose my mind. Crying hysterically, I told God. “You have to take this…I can’t carry it anymore!” You HAVE to take this!

By the time I got home I felt a little better but over the next couple of days that weight I felt in my chest and on my shoulders began to lift some. I feel your pain as my loss was the greatest pain I have felt so far. I will pray you as I do all who have lost someone and I know eventually you will find some sort of peace with your loss.  

Stephanie you could not have said it any better.  I lost my best friend and soulmate two weeks ago.  I am going through what you went through about the anger with God.  Thank you so so so much for sharing that.  I can relate.

Thanks for sharing Stephanie, I too was angry and did a lot of yelling at God, crying out my anger, my pain, and even my guilt.  Although I still don't understand why my husband had to get sick, suffer so much and pass from this World I am not as angry anymore.   I take time these days to pray for others, those that are still fighting cancer, and those, like me, who are left behind to grieve and try to figure out life without their loved one.  It has given me something else to focus on rather than only on my loss.  It helps though to know that I was not alone at berating God and telling him in no uncertain terms what I thought of his plan for my life.  Thank you.

Wow.  Seems like all our loved ones were more concerned about those of us left behind than they were about dying.  I know my husband held on longer than he should have because he was worried about me being left alone.   He was the one that always saw the bright spot in every situation.  So while I know he would want me to go on with my life I just can't seem to.   Its only been a few months and hopefully this will get easier.  My aunt and I talked yesterday and she lost her husband in August last year .. and kept telling me it does get easier to move on.  Clinging to that right now.