Dear All -

Reading some of the posts here make me want to hug you all and make it better!  There is a blog I found, and read something that many of us know and have been saying all along: there is no timeline for grief.  No one can say how long it takes to "get over it"; we don't get over it; we get through it.  We might think we are losing our minds, but it is normal to forget things, to lose days and want to stay in bed and just weep until we can weep no more.  Some of us are afraid to start crying because we think we'll never stop - but no one has ever cried forever!  The tears do stop.  We may be exhausted when we stop; we will cry again.  Tears are a release - it's a healthy way to let some of it go, as nuts as that may sound.  We don't want others to see us cry, but it is part of our process.  It is completely normal to be forgetful, to want to stay in bed, to have mood swings and days where we wonder why we are still here when the person we loved so much is gone.  If I didn't have my two wonderful daughters, I might have tried to find a way to end my own suffering - it will be 18 months on May 12 that I lost my wonderful husband.  My girls lost one parent; I don't want them to lose two, even though they are grown up and married now.  They still need mom - and Ron - if you're reading this -  your kids still need their dad.  The problem with life is that people die.  And for those of us who are left, it sucks.  It doesn't matter how old someone is or how long you've been with them, or if it's a parent or a spouse or a sibling; it just sucks.  My dad died in January.  My parents were married 68 years.  He was 96 - he was ready; he had a long and fulfilling life.  But it doesn't make it any easier for those of us who loved him, and it isn't any easier for my mom, losing him than it was for me to lose my Don, even though Don was much younger - only 57 when he died.  

It's hard to watch our loved ones make the transition to another plane of existence; I do believe the soul goes on, and I don't believe they are stuck or suffering as long as we are in pain. I do believe they would like for us to not suffer, but I know my Don is with his family - his parents, and others who've passed before him.  I hope and believe we will be together again.  I didn't believe this before - neither of us were religious.  But he saw something in the hours before he died that only he could see, and he kept reaching out towards it.  It made me believe.  I miss him every minute of every day.  And sometimes unfortunately, life does go on.  I still wonder why I'm still here; I haven't found my purpose without him in my life, and I am still looking.  I may spend the rest of my life here looking.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  

My father died march 8th of lung cancer. I miss him everyday:'( i wish he was still here. He got to see me turn 17 though , my birthday was march 6th:'( . He's in heaven now but he has 3 children and a wife who miss him very much( my mom, me , my brother and sister who are both about to turn 13) . I miss dad:'( He was the best dad every<3 Sometimes i need him more than every but i know hes watchingover me i just miss him so much:'(

Dear Kaitlyn and Sherry,

My deepest Condolences to both of you.

love,

Mike

Hi,

You are never alone once you find this group. We are all in the same ricky boat!

On year ago thismorning I sent my husband off to see the doctor to have a slight pain in his chest checked out before we were to fly off to Mexico the next day for our second honeymoon/30th anniversary getaway.  From the Drs he was sent to our local hospital, who sent him by ambulance to a larger hospital in another city for a catscan because the Dr suspected a blood clot in his lung.  At 11pm Thursday April 21st 2011 I was looking at the results of that cat scan showing scores of glowing spots of cancer, the start of the end.  Been crying all night and all day wishing there was a way to rewind the world to before that dreaded time.  It still amazes me how fast he went from working 16 hour days, hiking 5-8 miles in the bush every day to just being gone.  I will repeat what I have said a million times this past year. CANCER SUCKS!!!

Ann my wife and i were making plans for a once in a life trip.A couple of days before i was to go get my passport while jean was in taking a shower we received the dreaded news of her tests that she had done.We would have never in our life that this could happen to us.I opened the shower door and gave her the phone.She looked at me and said i have cancer.We just held each other and cried for a very long time.I guess we cried a little pretty much every day untell untell she left me. Now i cry alone every day and think to myself i wish we would have taken our trip sooner......Ron

Laura, I've often continplated going to a support group but the fear is that I will end up crying as hard as I did in the first few months after losing my hunny. I know what you mean about not finding the clothes on the floor, emptying the washer and not seeing his underware in with the clothes. It makes my gut hurt when I do the simplest things, and even though it has been 1 year ago that I lost him, I still miss him so much. I'm having a hard time going to bed again at night, not having him in there, and no one to snuggle up to is just too much once again. Those arguements you speak of are the things I miss too because the making up part was always so much more fun! I hope the Lord continues to carry me through another day, knowing how much I loved my dear man, and how good of a man he was. Huggs Laura.

Had hard day today. i was cutting the grass and when i got to the back yard i had to quit.I looked up at the deck and i could almost see Jean standing there saying to me, ready for some lunch? I was feeling so bad i put the mower away sat on the deck and had my usual cry.Life is  getting really hard for me. i just wish some of this hurt would stop.

Dear Ron, 

My Denise and i took our once in a life trip while waiting for the results of her tests.  She was sick the whole time, thinking it was the gastroentitis they mis-diangnosed.  Denise was wonderful and was a real trooper on the trip.  She was dying of cancer, but we didn't know.  When we got back she immediately had to have a colon re-section and she never recovered.  she passed just five months later.  I miss her so much still, after 2 and a half years, I still cry alot.  a whole lot.  Hang in there Ron, you are not alone.

Yes Laura, it seems each new season brings its own pain after our loves have passed.  Ron I tried mowing the lawns last week and had to stop too.  I was the one waiting with the cold drink and a snack when Tom was done that job and now I need to do it alone.  Then I washed his truck because it had been sitting unused for months and really needed it.  Finished that and cried because he should be here to drive it.  All in all this past week has been a hard one.  Sure wish there was hope it would get better but since I dont see me stopping loving Tom or my son Karl any time soon I dont see things getting much better any time soon either.

Sunday is a grief support event and it's my third time.  Oh my, third time.  I can't take it.

Im really having a hard time tonight.  We just found out my grand niece who is only 34, has breast cancer.  It has just passed the one year anniversary of when my husband was diagnosed.  Try as I might I cant get a handle on the flashbacks or the fear of what might happen to Sara.  I hate being so scared of this one word.  I need to go to bed again but I know I will just either stare at the ceiling and think and cry.  Or I will go to sleep and dream horrible dreams.  When will the doctors find a cure so all these precious lives will be spared?  Soon enough to help Sara please.  Please God, Please.

Going through the motions is what I am learning to do best. However yesterday, in my mad dash to mail my mother's day gift to mom, I ran in the house after work. When I opened the door I smelled him. Stopped me dead in my tracks. I said I love you baby then continued on. While waiting at the package store, and old man with broken english asked me if I would do him a favor. I said sure what is it? He asked if I would bend down and get a penny that was on the floor for him. When I bent down to get it I noticed it was very shiny and face up. I didn't think anything until I got in my car and pulled up to the stop sign. While waiting for vehicles to make their turns I noticed a truck coming in to the drive way that looked exactly like the one my husband had. I thought nothing of it until the truck got closer and sure enough, it was the man who had bought it from me a year ago. It has been a few weeks since I've felt my husband's presence. Needless to say once my day was ending and I had time to think, it all made sense. I just wish he would come home to me for good. A year has passed and I am still so heart broken at times. I do have to say that it has gotten better. I am able to breathe without it hurting so much. Hugs and prayers to all.

Laura I do know what you mean when you say,I would have rather had him leave me for another woman.  Let them think what they want, they have no idea how what you or I went through with losing our husbands to cancer.  I tried bargaining with God to take me instead.  I love my husband so much I would have given my life for him.  I would have let him go on with a happy life without me just to let him be ok.  Of course I believe if it had been me that went first he would be the one lost in grief now.  I sure wouldnt want that for him either.  I wouldnt wish this loneliness and heart breaking pain on my worst enemy. 

My husband died of cancer in March and it was the hardest thing I have had to do to watch him in pain.  The pain from the chemotherapy from the radiation but most of all the last few weeks watching the cancer take control of his vital organs and the sparkle go out of his eyes.  The night before he died the nurse on duty told me she believed he was holding on for me, because he thought I needed him.  He was suffering for me.  She told me I needed to let him know I would be OK even though we both knew I wouldn't be so that he could be at rest and not struggling in pain anymore.  She must have been right because after a night of holding him in the hospital bed and telling him to rest now that I would be OK, missing him like crazy, but OK .. he slowly slipped away from me.  

Like Anna I tried to bargain with God to take me instead, to let me take the pain and the cancer.   But instead I am here trying to understand how to live without him.   Trying to be strong for our kids and grandkids but not succeeding most of the time.  Really all I want to do is hide away and cry, even after all the tears I have cried there always seem to be more.   People say in time it will get easier but right now I have trouble believing  that is true.

Mary, i was where you are a year ago sweetie. All I can say is embrace every thought you may have of him, he will come and go to you if you acknowledge his presence. My tears have dwindled to once a week rather than every second. That part gets easier. The missing them does not. I hope you have faith in time. That is all I have faith in, and I've learned that we live on God's time, not ours. I've also learned to have faith that no matter what I will see my sweet baby's face again, smell him, and kiss his onry lips.

Mary,

Barbara's advice is so true. At first I could not allow myself to even think about my mother. I watched her suffer terribly and I was holding her hand when the life just drained out of her face. It was the most horrible day of my entire life. Nothing can hurt me more than that day. My mother was all I had. Somehow I found the strength to just put my life in Gods hands. The day I did that I acquired this amazing strength. As time passes and the weeks become months since her passing I do feel things changing and the tears are less but the loss is always part of me now. Her passing changed everything about me. I am no longer afraid of anyone or anything. If I get hit by a bus it only brings me closer to seeing her. Right now I live what life I have left living in THE MOMENT. I do not think about anything but THE MOMENT I am in. How I wish I could kiss my mothers beautiful cheek and hold her hand again. Eat one of her great dinners. Go shopping with her. All the things we use to do together - I miss every single day of my life. We cannot change what IS. We can adapt and do the best we can until God says "come home". My heart is with you. I feel your pain because I experience the same pain. Love Sue

Thank you both for your love and support.  I am so grateful that I found this site because I know you all will understand and encourage me on those days when I can't encourage myself.  Blessings to you both.

Mary,

I found this site the day I lost my mom. The people on this web site just scooped me up into their arms and became like a family to me. I have 3 sisters who showed their true colors when mother passed. I was horrified how they behaved. I had to just close the door and walk away from them in order to not go completely over the edge. I am so happy you found this site too. This weekend is going to be tough for us. I have some of my moms ashes on my mantle along with some of her things. I will buy her flowers and be in denial that she is gone. Sometimes I just have to do that. Pretend she is visiting out of town. Love Sue

I'm very thankful I've finally found this site.I've been reading all the postings for a few days and I am convinced this is where I need to be right now.Many of the experiences you people have shared I'm trying to deal with some days very poorly.I feel good just being around this group and know it will help me get threw Losing Someone To Cancer thank you  

It's going to be a tough day for the kids tomorrow. Their first mother day without their mom. Of course that does not make me feel any better. I went out and put new flowers on Jeans marker this morning. Damn i am down in the dumps today.

Mary,

My wife passed away from cancer in April,Our final nite with our loved one is so similar it scares me.I offered my blood a kidney and myself,right now I trying to figure out how to sadly live without her.I find that my fondest memories make me cry the longest and hurt the most.I am amazed how close are stories are.I know this is where i will find peace thank you    

Sue, my heart goes out to you this week-end, please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.   Also, others that are spending their first or another Mother's Day without their Mom .. know that you will always be loved even if your Mom's are not physically here .. they are watching over you.  Good friends of mine believe that our loved ones come back as angels who watch over us all the time.  Right now that is such a beautiful thought I am going to hang on tight to it.

My very good friend in England is participating in a Marathon tomorrow to raise funds for cancer research.  Each participant has lost somebody to cancer or knows somebody who is battling cancer, in her case she is running for her dad (who passed away from cancer), her friend in the Netherlands battling breast cancer, and my husband Paul who has passed away.  Each of their names will be on the back of her shirt.  I am humbled that she has added Paul's name. 

Vince, tomorrow is going to be especially hard for you I am sure .. please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.   It is a little uncanny when you read others stories and see your own mirrored in the words.   But I believe it helps us feel less isolated, lets us know others are feeling what we feel, and we can reach out for support even if its just a quick message, it can help make our day a little less dark.  Just

Ron, I have a feeling that it will be a struggle for my kids on Father's Day next month as it will be their first without my husband.  Each special day or holiday brings memories and tears.  Just try and remember that your wife is always near, and always with you all in your hearts and memories.

Mary,Thank you for the kind words.I feel calmed and secure when I come to sight.Hope this is all a positive and I'm not losing my mind. 

Vince, I am sure you are not losing your mind .. just feeling the empathy that is found here.   All the support does help, at least it does help me.

Mary,just missed you in the chat room if you need someone to talk to i'm here for you.your chats have gotten me thru today and I am very grateful since my emotional rollercoaster just continues to roll.The support does help.

Just found out Denise's sister has been diagnosed with cancer.  This has caused many flashbacks.  Hope evryone has a nice and blessed mother's day

Michael, that is very sad news.  I really hope she beats it.  I know how you feel too.  My wonderful great niece was recently diagnosed with advanced breast cancer and the flashbacks, sleepless nights and being unable to swallow food has been my companion again.  Let us all pray for a fast breakthough cure for all cancer patients!

I just lost my father last Wednesday after a 3 year battle with this horrible disease. I understand he is at peace and no longer in pain, but it is still very heard to wrap my head around. 

Michael I was sorry to read your news and I really hope she wins her battle with this monstrous disease.  My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Randi, I am sorry for your loss.  Although I think we are all grateful our loved ones are not suffering  anymore, the hole their passing leaves in our hearts and lives is hard to cope with.  Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Hi there,

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago to Cancer.  Having such a hard time with this!

Mary-Ann my husband passed away March 24th after losing his battle with cancer.  I understand where you are at as I too am struggling to make sense of life without him.  There are a lot of great people here who have been where you are at now and are always willing to offer support to you.  Blessings.

Thank you Mary.

My condolences to everyone.

Mary-Ann my wife of 19 years passed away april 24 of breast cancer,and its hard very hard to move on.I am still so intensely involved with our relationship that its extremely hard to make any headway with the healing process.remember how we think is how we feel god bless 

Thank you everyone for your kind words.  It's so devastating and I constantly think "I don't know how I can carry on", I just want to be with him!!  We got Married 4th February, we are still supposed to be on honeymoon!!! 

I tried to post a comment but couldn't. WHY am I being BLOCKED from Posting a Link about the CAUSES OF CANCER via facebook on Diane Sawyer's page ? SO Much for 'freedom' of 'expression' in aMeRiKa ! 5 minutes ago Unable to post comment. Try again."

https://www.facebook.com/DianeSawyer

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/professors-full-speech-part-3633956

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/understandingcancer/CGAP

http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/index.php/why-havent-we-cured-c...

http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/index.php/author/david-gorski/

http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/index.php/editorial-staff/david...

https://www.google.ca/#hl=en&sugexp=frgbld&gs_nf=1&cp=2...

Need More Info or to Talk to Someone about Cancer ?

https://livehelp.cancer.gov/app/chat/chat_launch

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/understandingcancer/CGAP

http://www.cancer.gov/dictionary

Kim Im really sorry for your loss.  It really sucks when cancer steals another beautiful person from this earth.  I had another family member, my sisters granddaughter, diagnosed with advanced breast cancer a few weeks ago.  She is only 34 years old. We are just praying her journey is easy and successful, but fearing the worst.  Know you are in my thoughts. 

It is the worst thing that can happen, at this point, after nearly 1 year, I feel it must be worse than having it happen to myself.  I wish it had been me because its harder to carry on without them.  Everyone tells you it gets better but only a little and not for a long time; don't ever expect to get over it, just try your best to get through it.  It is a new journey into yourself and we are all here by your side if you need to vent, cry, laugh.  Luv, Maura

It is the worst thing that can happen. Yes, this is a new journey for all of us.

I believe today that when a loved one dies,in order to get bye you must die (change) also.In my case the person who always asks "can I pick you up something on the way home" "good morning sweetheart" "Its an I love you gift babe"has to change.For he has truely died with his wife.I think I must become a new different person,a new identity.hope Mary Morrison is doing well I have missed her writings in the last couple of days She has inspired me to move foward threw the pain and hurt god bless  

Kim, I am sorry for your loss.  I am still trying struggling to understand the big 'Why'.  Why does this disease strike so many?  Why my husband and not me?