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Comment by Jon-Paul Ackerman on March 11, 2015 at 7:02pm

I understand Karen. Everything outside our marriage sucks. Though my kids are so loving and smart and perfect, it just doesn't seem worth it to go on. I'd rather be where she is. She is my world, that's why we had kids - to enjoy them together. But I owe it to her, and you owe it to him to keep on and be strong while we patiently await our calling home.

Comment by Karen T. on March 11, 2015 at 6:11pm

Life sucks. I am so tired of this. No one sees the suffering so they tend to add to it with their comments/demands. I just don't feel like I have anyone who loves me (I have a son who sometimes acts like he loves me but that's usually when he gets his wah, otherwise he  acts like he hates me or doesn't want to be around me otherwise). I feel everyone wouls be better off without me. I feel like the worst person and mother in the world and now my son is left with just me instead of me and my husband who was great with him. My family is driving me nuts too. I just don't know where to go from here. Is there anywhere to go? Life and people just suck.

Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 4:58pm

Sorry for the length!! And the typos, especially his age, he was 47, not 49

Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 4:55pm

Hi Fran, hanks for your comments. You know it's peculilar b/c during the first year,maybe even two I was on what I call auto pilot and I did amazingly well. So many things had to be handled and in a timely fashion and everyone from my church gathered around and helped as well as in-laws and his work buddies. They were amazing. I stayed on task and was receiving counseling and never missed church. But time passes and people must return to their libes and assume that you will continue to progress. My counseling ended, I moved and quit going to my church b/c it was over an hour away and haven't gotten plugged into a new one. When I moved my friends dwindled away. Not to be a complainer but I have rhuematoid arthritis and Lupus which has worsened greatly over the past five years which led to me and my boss agreeing I was no longer able to give the time and devotion to my job it deserved, leaving me with no link to society so my depression just gets worse and worse. I can't even believe this is me. I was always so happy. I don't even recognize myself. I am truly blessed as I have two adult children that love me greatly, a 26 yr old dau and 24 yr old son. My dau is married, my son lives with me. I have had to take money out of my IRA to live on and will need to pay penalties and taxes on that. I have no choice ,as it is all the funds I have and have to live. I need to apply for disability which should be a given,yet I continue to procrastinate. Its almost as if I am in self destruct mode and can't seem to stop it. I try to force myself to leave the house, and always back out. I want to tell you I amvery very sorry for your loss you sound like you are doing pretty darn good gurl, do not lose your footing. I want nothing more than to be happy again,to be a good example for my kids and to live like I know my sweetie would want. He would be so upset if he knew how I was. It's as if I can't control it and I know I should be able to make progress. I am a christian,and without my faith I would be dead by now. I know he did not give me a spirit of anxiety or fear, I know this. I am just so stuck. He was my soft place to fall, he was my confident, he was my security. We were married 17 days shy of 25 years and lived togehter four years prior to that, so we literally grew up together. I am grateful God din't allow him to suffer for a long time. He was diagnosed on his 49th bday on aug 26 and died on nov5 of that same year. Such a whirlwind but it was better that way. I dont even know what to say at this point. I just thought maybe I could get on here and make some sense of things yet I feel like I should be the one giving advice as it seems I have been at this longer than the majority on here. I just don't know. Like I say, I did a lot better the first couple of years, I think I was numb.

Comment by Fran on March 3, 2015 at 4:22pm

Janet, you sound like me even tho I'm only entering month 4. We can only take it a day at a time. I've taken to making a list of things I HAVE to do. I've set up automatic bill payments for a lot of things which makes my life easier. I'm lucky in that I have a financial advisor that helped my husband and me for 10 years...he's been wonderful at helping me make plans. He did a lot of the paperwork for me when my husband died. He's going to do my taxes again this year since there is NO WAY I could figure out how. Is there anyone you can ask for help and rely on for, at least, financial stuff.

Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 3:43pm

I hate to hear people complain about their spouses. I cry when I see a couple holding hands and to see an elderly couple together rips me up. Anybody else have these feelings? Anybody else here been through five years or more? I feel like I'm supposed to be "better".

Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 3:27pm

I miss his laugh
I miss his voice
I miss his chocolate brown eyes
I miss his kiss
I miss hugs,dear God I miss hugs
I miss him walking in he door every day at 4 pm
I mss him calling to tell me he was on his way home
I mss the way he always said I lve you baby at the end of every phone call
I miss his sense of humor
I miss his scratchy moustache
I miss him teaching my son to be a man
I miss cooking him dinner
I miss his snoring,yup, actually miss it
I mss the smell of toululene from the printing press on his clothing
I miss just knowing i am safe and lved
I miss being a wife
I will always be his wife and never ever anyone elses.

Comment by Jon-Paul Ackerman on March 3, 2015 at 3:22pm

Stay strong sis... There will be a day when you finally make it home. Just try to make it through this day... Hold on to the hope and pain, it's who you are now. We will have our day when we're called...

Comment by Janet K on March 3, 2015 at 3:18pm

I relate so closely to the feeling that taxes,bills,all that stuff is such drudgery. I dont pay bills on time,cant remember the ones I do pay, can't remember which years I filed taxes for. I am a mess!! I want to be better,stronger,happier,less pitiful. I know my husband would never ever want me to live like this and I have got to be a better example for my young adult children. My married daughter is doing so well. My son,however feeds off me. We are two peas in a pod and enable each other. It's not healthy. How am I ever going to pull myself up? I suffer from chronic illness which just makes matters worse. I feel like I'm just whining here. Not sure why I joined,guess I'm grasping ror straws. So so tired of the depression.

Comment by Fran on March 3, 2015 at 10:12am

John, unless someone has been thru what we are living thru, they have no idea! I admit that until it happened to me, I thought grief would only last a month or two. I'm hitting 4 months this week and still feel like I have no real direction, no motivation. One of the reasons I like this site is because we, all, pretty much have the same feelings and issues and as a result support each other. We share the pain.

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