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Comment by Donna M Dowling-Hall on March 19, 2015 at 6:26pm

My 42 year old husband of 14 years passed away Feb 12, 2015 from cancer.  He lived 10 days after we were told that there was nothing more they could do for him.  We were best friends and he was my whole world.  The pain is so incredible.  I am mad at him for leaving me and I am relieved the that he is no longer in pain.  I feel so alone.  My sister has told me to "push through this"..  Are you freaking kidding me.  We weren't blessed with children, so I am alone.  My parents live 45 minutes from me.  I can't sleep.  Someone asked if I feel his presence and I don't, or at least I don't think so, because I still feel so empty and abandoned.  I know he did not want to leave me and he fought so hard.  I feel cheated and I feel that he was cheated out of a wonderful life. 

Comment by morgan on March 19, 2015 at 11:24am

To the kindred spirits that have just written on this "lost my spouse" post.  To Tilydc, Jason, Fran, John T and others.  You are not alone.  Unfortunately you are now walking right alongside people like me.  We are there when you fall into the gaping hole.  Not that we can help you from falling, we are just there to soften your fall.  We are there giving you the barest sustenance because while you still live you need food (empathy) and water (comfort).  Do not believe the books that tell you about stages and sages.  There is no wisdom of how to recover from shaking hands with death.  You are now living in a totally different dimension than before.  You will never return.  You will suffer.  Oh yes, it will be like suffering you could never imagine. Some of us continue and learn to walk again, some of us come out of it with a lifelong limp.  But it is like being an infant all over again.  You wont walk for at least a year.  Steel yourself, this is a job to relearn everything about yourself.  

I can say I don't like everything about myself now.  I think I used to. But I am 63 and was married for 35 years, known him since I was 8. I can look at his picture and experience what he was feeling at that moment.  You will go through infinite feelings of how you translated your beloved's every gesture, every look, every breath.  You won't believe you can take another breath and yet the universe makes you take one.  

Why are we here to experience such grief?  Are we vessels of the massive universe set upon this pale blue dot (Sagan) to FEEL what the collective conscience is undergoing?  I wonder to myself.  How could I have moved from such a wonderful existence to such pain.  

The first year and half was probably the roughest.  I thought I would never see the end of the tears.  At 26 months I still cry everyday.  Still.  Some days are worse than others but I at least have some days where there are more good hours than there are ones that I don't move.  I knew from day one I could not focus on the job I had so I sold our home, and downsized both financially and physically and live much more simply.  Was it hard to do?  Unbelievably.  But then you know that.  Today I live small, think small, cant interact with the world at large very well but I try in small steps and cry alone.  It's a crappy ending to a beautiful life of love and I have no idea when I will expire but in the interim I still take baby steps. The best advice ever.  Baby steps.  You can only do what you can do on that day at that given moment.  It's a pit.  A big hole.  The ONLY consolation is that I can come here and know that I am not alone.  I am suffering the consequences of losing the man whom I saw myself through, here along with other people who feel the same.  That's it.  It's not much but it's all I've got.  Take care of me and yourself ok?

Comment by Fran on March 19, 2015 at 10:05am

I am trying really hard to focus on what I had with my husband rather than what I missing...and I KNOW it's a  lot. Everytime I look around our house I see what he did (he always said everything was done for me...). Even the projects that he didn't finish remind me of what we had. But, I know he wants me to live even as I grieve for him.

Comment by Jason on March 19, 2015 at 4:49am

Losing anyone is a difficult experience to go through but I feel that losing a spouse can be more traumatic. Whenever you lose someone you have your partner to support you, someone to hold your hand and tell you it's going to be okay and you'll get through this. But when you lose your spouse you don't have that support. Friends and family try to be there to help you but your partner would be there at times no one else could, first thing in the morning, last thing at night or when you wake up in the middle of the night and all you want it to reach out and hold them close.

I recently lost my fiancée (Jan 2015) and am having a difficult time coping with it.
Amanda and I were together for 3yrs in a long distance relationship. With me living in England and her living in America our time together was very limited. 

After dealing with all the fun of immigration options we had finally worked out a plan to move and live together and get married. However 3 months before we were set to move in together Amanda was rushed into hospital, we found out she was having issues with blood clots and sadly 24hrs later she passed away.

Some of the things I’m having difficulty with are thinking about what I’m going through and where we should be. I keep thinking how happy and excited we should be as the time when we were supposed to move in together gets closer. Thinking of all the plans we had, either big plans like our wedding and travelling the country or little plans like meals we wanted to cook for the other or spending Sunday mornings tucked up in bed. I keep thinking of everything we went through in our long distance relationship, the lonely nights wishing the other was closer or all the work and research we had to do for the immigration applications. The only thing we wanted was to be together and get to do regular couple stuff like cooking dinner or watching TV together in the evening. Thinking how we finally had our plan in place and were so close and then having it all ripped out from under us.

One thing I’m glad about is, as this was so sudden, I know Amanda passed away happy. She knew our plan was approved and was going to work; she was only weeks away from quitting a job she hated and moving to be with me. She knew she had a wonderful year ahead of her, getting to focus her time on herself, us and our wedding. She was so excited to start planning, and I know she was planning what to change in my house to make it our home. I take comfort in knowing I made her so happy, knowing that she loved me, knowing that she passed feeling loved and most of all knowing that she never had to feel what I’m going through now. Having to live my days without her by my side feeling lost and empty, having nothing to look forward or to focus on.

Comment by Jon-Paul Ackerman on March 18, 2015 at 6:51pm

Be still. Make a little bit of time each day to just sit quietly and think about him. Don't force anything or frustrate yourself with those thoughts at work and such. When you go home, just think and know you're going home to him, and when you get situated at home take a while to relax with him...

Comment by Tildyc on March 18, 2015 at 6:46pm

I feel like I might be going crazy. Because I keep listening and searching and watching for any signs of him. I just NEED to have something from him to help me get through the rest of my life. I walk around the house talking to him and I try to hear his voice. I just need to feel his presence in some sort of way....

Comment by Tildyc on March 18, 2015 at 6:39pm

Oh my gosh- What I wouldn't do the feel his touch again. That is so amazing Jon-Paul.
I have had two dreams since he passed that I felt he had come to visit me. I truly believe it was his
spirit /soul visiting me. And when he was there, he was giving me comfort. But those happened within the first two weeks of my Marks dying. Ever since then, I cannot remember any of my dreams. It's so heartbreaking because I was counting on at least seeing him and talking to him when I was dreaming.

Comment by Jon-Paul Ackerman on March 18, 2015 at 4:32pm

I think I have to say my queen is with me, or in me. I hear her at times in my mind just as when she was sitting next to me in the flesh. I see her when I look at a certain canvas I have of her. I know it's her because I see movement in her pupils and her smile. I felt her touch my wrist one time and when I smelled my wrist immediately after, it smelled exactly like her. The smell is definitely the most prevalent and obvious assurance that she's here with me.

Comment by Tildyc on March 18, 2015 at 3:38pm

Also – one of the main reasons I wanted to get on this site is ask this question. Some people on here say they feel their loved one around them. If you are one of those lucky people – please share exactly what it actually is that makes you feel that way. Because I do believe if I knew for sure that he was around me – then I wouldn't mind as much I guess- spending the remainder of my life alone. Because the fact is- I will never be with another person ever again. Mark was my soulmate and there just will never be anyone else for me.

Comment by Tildyc on March 18, 2015 at 3:26pm

Hi- everyone's words and feelings that I have been expressed here- are the same as mine. I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my fiancé February 4, 2015. I have a mantra that I'm always saying, A lot of the time I don't even realize I'm saying it. "Please come home Mark, just plz come home." But – I'll never see him again. I can't even imagine spending the next 30-40 years of my life without him. I just can't do that. I want out. I do not want to do this. I can't do this.

I cry every stinking day. The only time I don't really cry is when I'm at work. And It's difficult at work to maintain because no matter what – he's on my mind 24 seven. At night I wake up about every 20 minutes or so and the very first thought is – he's dead-he's gone. It's like my psyche wants to make sure I realize that he's gone at all times. It's torture.

My Dr put me on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. And I have an appointment to go see a shrink today. I've been alive for 50 years and have been through a lot. And I've never had to do any of that stuff before. And to be honest none of it's helping or going to help. Is just a waste of time because nothing can bring my Mark back. That's the only thing that's going to stop this pain. So therefore- I'm going to feel like this until the day I finally die.

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