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Comment by morgan on April 3, 2015 at 9:47pm

I will be alone during this weekend.  I turned down an offer to go to a Sunday brunch at my niece's house.  It's ok.  I would rather isolate myself than pretend I want to celebrate.  I will probably be alone for many future seasonal events and family events because I can't psych myself enough to participate like i would have in the past. I do not want to be singled out as a downer when that is how I feel but no one wants to acknowledge it.  

I will not feel guilty about disappointing others.  They will just have to deal with my rejection of their attempts.  Only because I know their intention is to have me rejoin their reality which  I have no desire to be a part of.  I am incapable of desire.  My husband took all of it with him.  

The pain that follows the death of our beloved is like no other.  Nothing can prepare you for the feelings.  I never thought I could be like I am.  Not in a million years.  I thought I was strong.  I handled a lot of the financial and other affairs in our life.  Now I can barely decide my way out of a cardboard box.  Everything is overwhelming. Still.  Which is probably why I continue to isolate myself.  Exposing myself normally ends up having to have a conversation about my husband and then the triggers send me into a spiral.  Too tired.  I don't know how long my body will take this kind of stress but I would be fine if it gave up tonight.   People who care about me can't imagine how I could think like that but then they aren't where we are.  Amazing what a moment in time does to our perspective huh?

Comment by morgan on April 3, 2015 at 9:20pm

Sandy,  I am so sorry for what is happening to you all in a cluster.  Just losing your husband is way more than one person should have to deal with. I can only wonder why we are having to endure this kind of suffering.  

Comment by George H on April 3, 2015 at 8:15pm

I would give up my soul for just one more day with her

Comment by George H on April 3, 2015 at 8:12pm

John I did the same thing I always worried she might not be well enough

Comment by George H on April 3, 2015 at 8:09pm

Music is hard for me also mary was a singer we worked in rhe studio together and on stage just thinking about hurts so bad

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 3, 2015 at 7:52pm

I haven't been able to watch N.C.I.S. We loved to sit on Tuesday night's and watch it.

Comment by morgan on April 3, 2015 at 7:26pm

Weird to hear others cant watch the shows we used to watch with our loved ones.  I thought that was just me.  I still can't watch House Hunters two years on.  Likely never will.  Music is also a bad trigger for me.  Must be something in the notes.  Depends on the song.  Might have never been one that was important to us but certain ones in the beat or rhythm or something sets me off and back i fall into the hole.  

Comment by Jason on April 3, 2015 at 7:17pm

I'm torn between living my life as I know Amanda would have wanted, being with someone missing the closeness even though I know i'd resent them for not being her, or wanting to follow her into the darkness...I don't know what to do

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 3, 2015 at 6:39pm

It's been a very hard couple of days. I've lost two wonderful relatives in just 24 hours. My daddy has also taken a turn for the worst. Grieving for my husband...just too much

Comment by George H on April 3, 2015 at 6:11pm

I have to agree with that

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