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Comment by Tildyc on April 6, 2015 at 9:53pm

George – Yep I've thought about the same thing. Just taking my last paycheck and buying a plane ticket in disappearing somewhere. To try and disappear just like Mark did. But I know that's not logical. And you're absolutely right there is no escaping this pain – no running away from it.

Comment by George H on April 6, 2015 at 9:37pm

Don't know what to do anymore I don't drive but I feel like filling a backpack and just walking away from here but I guess you can't run from yourself

Comment by Tildyc on April 6, 2015 at 9:25pm

Hey George – I do the same thing. Cereal has become a staple for me. I don't cook anymore because actually that was Mark's world. He was the best cook I've ever met. And he was always in charge of cooking dinners and meals for us. I know how to cook but he was the master chef. And every time I go into the kitchen it just is too painful. All his pots and pans and utensils and spices are there that he was planning on using some day. To prepare meals for us. My God -life is so empty now.

Comment by Tildyc on April 6, 2015 at 8:37pm

How are we supposed to survive something like this? Life is so diminished... is it really worth living anymore?

Comment by Tildyc on April 6, 2015 at 8:11pm

Guess I'm having a bad day. But honestly – there hasn't been a single good day since February 4, 2015. I miss him so much. I just want him back here with me. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do this without him. Life is meaningless with out him in it. This pain and loneliness is more than I can bare.

Comment by George H on April 6, 2015 at 8:03pm

Tried to cook tonight wasn't good just better to pick at cereal or what ever I can find

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 6, 2015 at 4:15pm

I'm really struggling today. Mark is gone. I have accepted that. My problem is living without him. I miss him and it feels like he took the biggest piece of my heart with him. I know that I can live without him, I just don't want to.

Comment by Tildyc on April 6, 2015 at 3:45pm

I walked in the door from work today and immediately started crying. I miss his smiling face and his greeting- "hey babe." I just don't understand how come I can't have Mark here with me? I still am having such a hard time getting myself to completely accept the fact that he is no longer here and he is dead. It just seems so irrational that this walking, talking, warm and loving person... This living human being.... This beautiful and wonderful soul who was the center of my world- and who loved me- has disappeared from our happy life? It just doesn't feel rational to my broken heart and my conscience that he is never going to be here with me again. Ever. It makes no sense. How could this possibly be? For God sakes- he was just here and we had all of our future plans together. WHERE IN GADS NAME HAS HE GONE TO???

Comment by Dianne M. on April 6, 2015 at 1:16pm

Woke up crying today. Sometimes things just hit me hard. I cant explain it. There is just NO reason for him to be dead and me alone. I see his face everywhere and hear his voice. His stuff is right where he left it expecting to come back to it. I am just a wreck today and lost. I am trying so hard to move forward but the pain is just so much to bear.
I am going to the gym because sitting around here really brings me down.

Comment by morgan on April 6, 2015 at 1:12pm

At two years two months after 35 years of marriage I have spent this time trying to live.  I've done everything to reconstruct life.  The pain has been intolerable.  I think I am giving up.  Instead of trying to live I am going to work towards preparing to die.  I still have many decisions to make to tie up my affairs but rather than keep trying to sustain them I am going to find ways to extricate myself from these obligations.  I am tired. So so tired.  This morning was just another day when I woke up and had hoped I wouldn't have.  I can't keep thinking I can live this pain.  To prove to everyone else I could do it I have tried and in many ways succeeded.  BUt I'm too tired.  I cant keep this up.  My death will come but I am no longer going to try to go forward and pretend like I am living.  I don't need a future.  I will live in the present and try to place "things" that I was left in the right hands.  That alone will take time but I no longer am going to pretend that I am doing it to live.  I will be doing it in order to not have to leave a mess for any of the people who would have to come in afterwards.   

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