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Comment by Tildyc on April 7, 2015 at 10:25pm

Okay – not sleeping right now anyway. But I have a question for the people here – Does anyone have this problem? I never sleep a full night. It's crazy but my brain or whatever it is – wakes me up every so often throughout the night to remind me that "he's dead "" wake up- you need to remember that he's dead." WTH!?!? My heart is pounding and then I start crying until I fall back asleep again. I'm not kidding when I tell you I need out of this living nightmare that I'm stuck in.

Comment by Tildyc on April 7, 2015 at 9:11pm

Deadliest Catch is on tonight. One of Mark's favorite shows. Everything I have come across today has reminded me of him. An old shopping list that he wrote, his back scratcher I found under the bed, the end of a green candle he used to burn for good luck, his pool chalk sitting right next to it for when he played pool league.... It breaks my heart. I miss him so much. I need him back. please let me out.

Comment by George H on April 7, 2015 at 6:17pm

Bad night just had a meltdown don'tknow why I'm putting myself through all this crap she'snot coming back what the hell am I doing

Comment by Tildyc on April 7, 2015 at 5:14pm

I agree George. It's not like we had a choice in the matter. Because we didn't. There was no way we could had prepared ourselves for this debilitating and life altering event. Total sucker punch.

Comment by George H on April 7, 2015 at 5:02pm

I think we have all transformed into people we don'twant to be

Comment by Tildyc on April 7, 2015 at 5:01pm

And also- I believe if I were to take my own life that my (soul/spirit/energy) may be separated from Mark's. I cannot be completely 100% sure about that belief but, I Will not take that chance.

Comment by Tildyc on April 7, 2015 at 3:54pm

John T and Jason- I absolutely do not like who I have become either. I do not recognize or even like the person I am now. Whoever that is? An angry, sad and mournful shadow of the human being I used to be. Pathetic. I am the polar opposite of who I used to be. At least of who I thought I was. Losing Mark has made me question absolutely every aspect of my life and this world in which I trapped in now. I feel like I'm a prisoner of this grief. It owns me and there is no escape.

m morgan- And as far as having children to help ease this pain – this is the part that I am very ashamed about. Yet another reason to hate what I've become even more. Those wonderful seven grown children of mine- who should be the light of my life. And a beautiful grandson who should be my reason for living. One would think that would be enough to brighten up my world? To make me feel better? To help me heal? God knows how much I love them all. They have always been a never ending source of happiness for me before. But ever since Mark has died – like I said before.... All the joy in my life has gone away. Which makes me feel terrible and selfish because someone would wonder what is wrong with me– she's got all those wonderful children and a beautiful grandson, she should count her blessings. Which I do. Believe me. But this losing a soulmate, is all-consuming. There is no room for happiness anymore. It has ruined my life. I wish I could be happy but, it's just not possible anymore.

I do realize that I would never purposely off myself. As much as I would like to – I just can't. The reason being that I would never, ever want to be the cause of such horrible pain for my own flesh and blood. I would not want my children and grandchild to suffer like I am. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. So I will Live in this world of darkness and sadness until my time is up. I just hope and pray that it will be sooner instead of later.

Comment by George H on April 7, 2015 at 11:53am

Jason since mary died the world stop for me I just live in a lonely dark place

Comment by Jason on April 7, 2015 at 11:40am

I don't like who i've become since losing Amanda, I use to be happy, I use to enjoy life, All because i had her in my life. Now I have nothing, now my days our spent finding the strength to get out of bed, then i set in the quiet and wait till it's time to go back to sleep....

Comment by George H on April 7, 2015 at 10:17am

I've reached a point or I just don't want to talk to people anymore when someone calls you on the phone which is far and few between and they ask how are you doing and you say not well and they respond with I understand and you think to yourself how the hell can you understand when you're sitting on your sofa with your wife watching TV it just makes me crazy

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