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Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 11, 2015 at 6:48pm

I have no idea what I'm going to do after my daddy dies. I know it's coming but I can't imagine it. I'm already grieving and he's still here. I wish Mark was here. I sure could use one of his hugs right now. Instead I have to grieve for him too. This just sucks in so many ways!

Comment by George H on April 11, 2015 at 6:37pm

I'm pretty much by myself here I don't drive the hospice counselor was coming to the house once a week but now we mostly talk on the phone the TV plays in the background I've been hanging around the house cuz I really have no where to goI have a grandson that's in and out what is the young man it'll be 25 Monday and I make him go with his friends and do things ca use he's still grieving his grand MA and he don't need to be babysitting his psycho grandfather right now

Comment by morgan on April 11, 2015 at 6:24pm

George- Are you having even ten minutes at a time when you still feel Mary but are distracting yourself with a TV show or a video online or anything?  I have yet to hear you speak of anyone who might drop by or call you.  

I did a couple meetings at the hospice that were free when my husband first died which weren't the total answer but they did get me out of the house.  In fact as broken as I was at the first meeting I saw someone I knew who had lost his wife and he had spiraled so far in the 6 months since she had died he was drinking himself into oblivion.  For him it was a good outreach as he at least had found a place and then found out he wanted his wife to remember him as he was before she died not after.  We are all trying to honor that including you but you have me really worried and wondering if that chair is about to eat you.  I'm not one to throw stones as I have spent and inordinate amount of time between a bed and a couch and still do so i just want you to know I am thinking of you and hoping you can see a little sky from your chair.  

Comment by morgan on April 11, 2015 at 6:11pm

Oh Sandy, I don't know what this is going to be like for you when your dad dies but I do not envy you.  It's just so much at once.  I don't even know how you are doing it now.  All I can say is I hope you can prepare some time off to absorb this when the time comes because I believe it is going to be like being thrown in front of a freight train.  Please tell us that you will have a place to be when the time comes.

Comment by morgan on April 11, 2015 at 6:06pm

Diane- What you have posted about your meltdowns and progress are oh so familiar.  Sometimes its a trigger other times its just a welling up of a feeling.  That feeling we all now struggle with.  For two years I could be walking down the street and spontaneously combust.  It's been so so painful.  Trying to be around people is just tempting fate. Anymore almost all my time is spent isolated.  I have found to to be easier. I don't have to explain myself that way.  Then there are times I desperately need for someone to listen to me.  To explain how painful this loss is.  I have come around to being highly selective as to what situations I will put myself in.  The energy of life can choose to give me a little solace or chew me up and spit me out.  For two plus years its been mostly the latter which is why I do a lot of resting.  Not sleeping, not doing, just existing.  Just taking small bites of the shit sandwich.

Comment by Tildyc on April 11, 2015 at 5:28pm

George- ya,I've been replaying Mark's last hours over and over myself. It's heart wrenching.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 11, 2015 at 4:59pm

Thank you Tildyc. Watching him suffer is the hardest part. I appreciate that you and the rest of our little gang are here. I will probably be relying on y'all a lot over the next few weeks.

Comment by George H on April 11, 2015 at 4:11pm

hard day today I'm here by myself and I just can't get away from the memories of the morning Mary died

Comment by Tildyc on April 11, 2015 at 3:46pm

Oh Sandy- how unbelievably painful. I don't even know what to say to you at this point. No words of comfort can cover what you're going through right now. Please do keep coming here and talking to us. We'll be here for you. It's the one thing that I – we- can do. I'll be thinking of you.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 11, 2015 at 3:20pm

I guess it's that way for all of us Dianne M. I think the only reason why I'm not in constant state of meltdown is because I have my daddy to take care of. He has taken a turn for the worse.  It looks like he may only have a week or two left if that much. When he passes, I'm going to need all of y'all. I haven't really had a chance to grieve for my husband yet. When daddy dies, I don't know what I'll do.

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