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Comment by morgan on April 13, 2015 at 2:58pm

How could we have been so immune to what death of our spouses does to us?  How is society at large so utterly clueless?  In particular I find the specialists who say they are there to help us have no idea what this is about (most oftern through no fault of their own because who wants to have this happen to them).  The best reason I can give myself is, it is a fact we are all clueless how painful this is and the ramifications of it until it happens in our own home.  Through this past two years I have been in personal contact with some people who have lost their spouses.  No matter how optimistic we can be or want to be or help give ourselves support or give others support the bottom line still remains.  We struggle.  

For me, I am not sure I am struggling against anything I just hate the silence.  Nothing.  No communication.  No answers to any of my questions.  How the hell am I supposed to function without any answers to my questions.  I assume there are people who can sweep the unknown aspects of this under the rug.  They can actually find a new person and develop a new relationship and integrate the old with the new.  How they do is beyond explanation for me.  The best I can do is be a "pen pal" to others on here and one or two other sites where I can see written in their posts we are walking the same tortuous path.  I cant relate to anyone who has "moved on" and even keep asking how I am supposed to "move through" it by making grief my frog friend. Seriously.  How could I have missed this before?  I thought I had a pretty reasonable philosophy of death and reincarnation and karma and all the things I had worked out in my mind (brain) beforehand.  My husband dying is like nothing I have ever had to deal with.  

Do I have regrets?  Some.  But mainly I just hate the silence.  Even if we had problems we hashed them out.  We were still there for each other.  Even if we screamed at the problem and got mad we still were there for each other working through it.  Now its all quiet.  No one.  Oh, a friend here and there.  A family member drops in but no one is really there for me now.  Everyone has their own life except us.  We are here for each other on this place not one of us would have even bothered to read until now.  And now it has become a place we check on each other numerous times a day.  Weird how life is.

So today I am trying to get my tax extension filed. I have put it off till the last minute.  It's not like there is much to deal with but I need to do it.  Then I am going to try and do some other paperwork.  I have other things that I could do as well but we'll see how much energy I can rustle up.  After last night's crack in the earth that I fell into I wrestled with sleep and then finally went out, hit bottom and didn't get out of bed until noon.  When I hit those bottom notes I am so exhausted afterward.  

I also want to thank each of you for your kind words of support.  I promise I will try not to burden you with a night like the last one but I am grateful I can be honest and at the same time hopeful I can wait until the natural expiration of my body takes place.  I try really hard every day as I know you do too but there are times when it is all just too much.  I would like to be there for you too.  And I am there for you because I see myself in your struggles and know how hard this is.  It will lessen but you will always feel your love.  And really that is ok.  We don't want to forget them right?

Comment by lost on April 13, 2015 at 12:50pm

My mother needed to come pick up stuff at Sam's. James loved to come here. I feel nauseated. I feel like screaming. I feel so sad. So disoriented. I hate this place now. Hate use to be a word I rarely used.....it seems to be a word I use often now. I hate.....I hate.....I hate!!! I hate my life. I hate that James left me. I hate me for being here without him.

Comment by George H on April 13, 2015 at 12:17pm

it just seems like none of us can catch even a small break from the pain and loneliness just seems to get harder all the time

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 13, 2015 at 12:15pm

John T.- I am having one of those days too. If you need to talk, we are here for you.

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 13, 2015 at 12:12pm

M Morgan- We are all here for you. Anytime!

Comment by Tildyc on April 13, 2015 at 9:34am

Hey- I'm Always here for you m morgan. And everyone on here. And I was in a hole myself yesterday. And it's trying to continue on today. I have to work so-I'm holding it in. But I cried all night. Puffy eyes, blotchy face. No. amount of makeup helps it. I miss him so freakin much. It's so horrible.

Comment by George H on April 13, 2015 at 6:13am

M Morgan reach out anytime and if you need a hear a voice insteadof typing just let me know my phone is open to any of you who need it day or night I don'tsleep much so it don't matter

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 13, 2015 at 2:09am

Dear m morgan,

So very sorry to hear that tonight it worse than other bad nights. I have no words of comfort to offer except to say that I totally understand your feelings of pain, loss, and unbearable suffering. We shared and exceptional love with our spouses, so their passing is extremely painful. I think the stronger the love, the intense the pain. Please hang in there and know that there are others like me sending you healing vibes and many good wishes for peace. 

Comment by morgan on April 12, 2015 at 11:52pm

I am sorry that I have brought such a tender subject to such a bad place.  I have done a lot to try and keep myself from going too far in the hole.  Tonight I just went a bit too far and needed to justify why this  has to be the way we are living life.  To those who are earlier on in this journey it isn't like this all the time.  As months pass you will change in your ways of seeing the pain.  It is all individual.  I was with my husband for 35 years.  I knew him since second grade so that makes it 55 years.  We were high school sweethearts and because i said no to his marriage proposal in my senior year summer  it took ten years before we saw each other again and the flame was stronger than ever.  We never parted after that no matter the rough road.  When he died I could not see a road ahead for me.  I was exactly in the place you are in the first year.  Shock. Stupor.  Crying constantly, hour after hour.  Couldn't go anywhere or do anything but had to as I couldn't stay where we were. Too financially strapping.  Sold our home, packed our worldy belongs and moved 1500 miles where an older sister lived.  I have temporarily relocated but I have found location makes no difference.  I miss him.  Terribly.  I live but without purpose.  I cry still, less frequently but with at least the same intensity.  That unfortunately was were I was a little earlier tonight.  I had to reach out.  Sorry.  At this point I want to believe that it would get better.  In a way it does.  It is not as brutally raw unless you fall in the hole.  There are days I can function and go to the supermarket or go to a bank or a home improvement store and not collapse in a corner and cry until I am done.  I am better in that I can sometimes even talk to people. For a very long time I avoided anything that required me to converse.  I still have a terrifically hard time with that because eventually the subject comes up.  The dreaded subject of explaining why you are where you are or why you are doing what you are doing.  I have alienated most of my family and lots of people who knew me before have no idea who I am now.  Only a couple are still good friends.  Meeting new people is very difficult because I cant tell people who I was and that's really who I am only without part of my body.  I'm still the wife of the man who died.  I don't want to be anyone else.  And yet here I am.  

So when I fall in the hole sometimes I just cant see the rim.  Over the past couple years I have ended up having to pull myself out because most often I don't have enough people to call and say I need help.  I have tended to cry my way through it but tonight for some reason I had to reach out.  Sorry if I have made it harder for those who are earlier on their path.  I know it seems like it won't ever be better than where you are now but as bad as it is it isn't quite the same.  Because you live you do.  And because you do you find ways to deal with the pain on an everyday basis.  It's not easy.  But you do.  

I had provided a link earlier today to a video that I thought had helped me and might help others.  It sounds somewhat far fetched but I think I need to listen to it again.  Sometimes I think my husband is trying to send me things that I need to listen to so i can be with his energy.  I am going to go listen to it now and try to get some sleep.  Please forgive me if I have made this a rougher road.  It wasn't meant to hurt you.  I just needed to reach out a  little further than I normally do.  Please take care all of you.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 12, 2015 at 10:25pm

Last night I went to a student recital. This was the first time since Joseph passed eight months ago that I went to our university theatre on my own. The moment I walked into the hall, Joseph's absence hit me full on. All these past 14 years, Joseph and I always went to these shows together. Not having him next to me I felt broken into two, that I was reduced to half of my former being. It was extremely painful. I saw a few of our colleagues there and they too registered that I was alone. I missed Joseph so much that I left the show in the middle.

Joseph's absence is just too much to bear. Like so many of you here on this forum, all we needed was each other. We didn't need anyone else, or didn't need to do a lot of activities. Just enjoying each other's company, sharing the day's stories, sharing dinner, a glass of wine, watching a show on TV felt so good, so comforting. Our love was so touching, so beautiful, so deep.I give thanks that we shared this great love; not everyone knows this kind of love. But now it's all gone forever, and I am left behind here counting the days until it will be my time to leave. But for how long, how many years can I go on living this miserable life? Please God, take me home!

 

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