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Comment by morgan on April 13, 2015 at 9:14pm

Oh geez, Tildyc,  are you living in my mind? I was sitting here watching the Voice and one of the songs just pulled that trigger and boom!  Crying my eyes out.  At the same time the one friend who checks in on me called.  And what do I explain? Exactly what you just said,,,, "My Life has lost all meaning. I force myself to try and go be social sometimes. And it's always pure torture. No matter what I'm doing something reminds me of Mark and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. What am I supposed to do with this kind of life? It's extremely empty and has no hope. I realize I sound like a broken record sometimes but – I just don't know what to do anymore."

I explained to my friend that I just cant keep doing this.  I am beating myself up.  He said I need drugs. I said pills wont hold me in their arms.  Pills wont be there to talk to.  He just thinks my brain could use drugs to balance some chemicals.  This isn't chemical it's physical.  

I just cant find any reason to keep doing this.   I have tried so hard to manage by doing so many things.  I've kept pushing myself to accomplish small steps.  And I have.  But why? I visit my exit solution and cant do that either.  I was ok until I heard that song.  

Problem is I never know what is going to set it off and so am I supposed to not listen to TV, use a computer, go to a store, hear a song in order to not end up in a hole at some point during a day?  Yes, it is less but I am feeling so beat up because this happens at least once a day and I never know from what angle it is going to come.  

I'm worn out.

Comment by Tildyc on April 13, 2015 at 8:34pm

I don't know what to do. I don't want to live this life. All I can do is sit in my chairafter work and then go walk the dogs and then come home and watch the TV again and go to bed and go to work again. My Life has lost all meaning. I force myself to try and go be social sometimes. And it's always pure torture. No matter what I'm doing something reminds me of Mark and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. What am I supposed to do with this kind of life? It's extremely empty and has no hope. I realize I sound like a broken record sometimes but – I just don't know what to do anymore.

Comment by Nancy on April 13, 2015 at 8:31pm

I agree, Dianne M.  Game of Thrones just started and I don't know if I'll ever be able to watch it again, he was so looking forward to the premier.  We used to watch it in bed together.  And its kind of violent, and I don't know if I can watch violence right now.  I keep hoping this is all some sort of dream I will wake up from.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 13, 2015 at 8:14pm

I just hate sitting here trying to watch TV shows that we enjoyed together and looking up at his picture and knowing I will never kiss him again...I still dont get it....I will never get it....

Comment by George H on April 13, 2015 at 7:51pm

Nancy if mary was here she would tell you that he does here you and she would say to keep talking to him that how she believed

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 13, 2015 at 7:45pm

I'm trying to hold my head up

But it just keeps falling back down.

I keep trying to reach Mark's cloud

But I keep landing hard on the ground.

I wish I could just be happy

But my grief cuts like a knife.

I hate, hate, hate the word widow

When I still feel like a wife.

I know I'm not alone now;

We all miss spouses we hold so dear.

And if I ever need someone to talk to

I always can find a friend on here.

Thank you all!!!

Comment by Nancy on April 13, 2015 at 6:51pm

George-- I'm having a low night too.  I should stop listening to his Pandora radio station.  I'm not sure listening to the music he listened to and picked out (as he had really customized his station) is really helping.  I hate being low around my 2 year old, I feel he picks up on this stuff and its not fair to burden him.  It was bad enough I chose to have him knowing his father was going to die, but to lean on him for emotional support at 2 years old is a bit much, I feel.  But at the same time its really hard for me to be cheerful and upbeat when all I want to do is sit outside and cry and talk to the trees and pretend my husband can hear me.

Comment by George H on April 13, 2015 at 6:37pm

horrible night haven't felt this low since she's passed tonight I just wish that I could be with her this is really hard I just hate this

Comment by Tildyc on April 13, 2015 at 4:25pm

M morgan- plz don't ever feel as if you have to hold back on here. If you're getting swallowed by this darkness- don't hesitate. Yes- it can be scary and painful to be witness to such overwhelming and consuming pain. But there's nothing you have shared that I myself haven't experienced or least feel I can comprehend. It's heart wrenching for sure but- you have helped me more than you know. I'm convinced that nothing will ever heal my pain... Nothing. But your honesty and ability to express and share your grief has at least showed me that I'm not the only person on this earth that is in such a broken and lonely place. If I did not have you and EVERYONE here- I would only have the advice of the therapists, Drs. and well meaning outsiders...the opinions of the unaffected and normal happy folks. And then- I would be so entirely isolated that- I'd be convinced that I'm completely insane and this indescribable pain.... would be impossibly....even darker and heavier.

Comment by Tildyc on April 13, 2015 at 3:54pm

M morgan-

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