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Comment by Dianne M. on April 14, 2015 at 8:58pm

Yep Nancy...I kissed my husband goodbye to go to surgery and the next time I saw him he was dead. I will never forget how he looked....It is ripping me up inside. How could someone in good physical shape just have a heart attack?? I will never understand.

Comment by Nancy on April 14, 2015 at 8:51pm

People keep asking how I'm doing. I make up something every time, but it's never the truth. Awful? How about awful? How about the best thing that ever walked into my world is now missing and some days I'm amazed I can put my clothes on right? It wouldn't be so bad if he was just physically absent but he could still communicate with me. That might be tolerable. But here one day and silent and gone the next? Torture. Daily torture.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 14, 2015 at 8:36pm

This existence without the love of my life is too terrible that sometimes it feels like I am suffering from an incurable disease. The heaviness and the agony are so constant and persistent that sometimes I think that I am seriously ill. The heaviness just envelops me day and night and there are only a few minutes, maybe a couple of hours of respite every once in a while that gives the impression if being ill. What a miserable way to pass one's days and nights. There is no light at the end of the tunnel either. For me the only thing I look forward to is the day of my liberation--the day I die.

Comment by George H on April 14, 2015 at 8:28pm

Going to try a grief group thursday night don't want to go out in public but many I'll try step daughter said she wanted to go I guess will see how that plays out

Comment by Dianne M. on April 14, 2015 at 8:20pm

Went to grief group tonight. I dont know if I feel better or worse after. 2 more meetings then no more for the summer. I guess we dont need grief support during the summer???? Well I do see a counselor so I will continue that I guess...so sad tonight. Miss him so much that my heart just aches...

Comment by Tildyc on April 14, 2015 at 4:17pm

Oh Sandy- this has got to be soo hard for you. I'm so very very sorry. Why does death have to be so painful. Why can't we have the answers? I mean Honestly- our souls/energy do you go somewhere. Why does it have to be such a secret? To know the answers might not only relieve the life crushing pain but also may connect us to the people we need in our life to stay whole. To actually, just maybe, be able to live a happy and productive life. Instead of be stuck in this world of confusion and hopelessness. Why can't we have these answers? Why?

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 14, 2015 at 1:50pm

Update- My daddy is no longer eating or drinking. Today I was able to put a popsicle in his mouth and he took down a little of that. Yesterday morning he was talking. Since early yesterday afternoon, nothing. Not much longer, I don't think.

Comment by George H on April 14, 2015 at 1:41pm

Tuesday I hate Tuesdays Mary'sbeen gone for 7 weeks the road ahead just seems darker the few people I talk to are fading into the mist it's lonely here were ever I am but I wouldn't want to be around the person I've become

Comment by Dianne M. on April 14, 2015 at 1:06pm

Went to the grocery store that we always went to and was OK until half way through shopping...I have been there before and was OK but dang it anyway today was different. I seem to be OK for a while then melt down. Has to finish transferring car stuff today and that didnt help either.

Why is he gone?? What the hell happened to him??? I get so mad and sad at the same time. Why am I alone yet again??  aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

Comment by Tildyc on April 14, 2015 at 9:42am

Lost- my birthday was in January. And my Mark bought for me this little watch thing called a fit bit. Oh how I wanted it so badly. We really couldn't afford it but he got it for me anyway. Oh man! I loved that thing! I wore it every day and night. And at the end of the day, usually over dinner, I would report to Mark all the information it recorded during my busy day. He was so sweet. He seemed amazed by all of the stuff it could tell us. He was really pleased that I was so happy with his gift to me.

And then on February 4 Mark died. And I have not been able to put that little fit bit back on. Just looking at it makes me start crying. And I know he would be so disappointed that he went and spent the money on something that I really really wanted and now I can't bring myself to use it. And though it's not something as big as a glass shop – kind of the same at that idea applies here. Things that I felt were interesting and important when he was still with me... Either cause me way too much pain or mean nothing to me now.

And eventually all the wonderful and caring folks usually go back to their own lives. Sometimes we might have 1 or 2 friends that stick around. i've been alone since the 2nd day Mark died.

But actually – I prefer to be alone now. I'm not very good company these days. Maybe it's not healthy but it's all that I can muster up at this point. I have togo to work. And sometimes I try to muster up the energy and courage to go out into the population- grocery store and pay bills etc.

My life is such an alien world now-compared to my life when I had my Mark in it. It's like living in an entirely different realm.

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