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Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 3:00pm

Lost- I definitely have gone backwards these last few days. On Saturday I stayed in bed almost the entire day. I finally forced myself to get up for a little while just to walk the dogs. And then when I got home- I closed the curtains, locked the doors and hid in my house. Someone even came and knocked on my door and I ignored until they went away.

And today – right after I got home from work- I locked myself in again. I just don't want to see people. I cry too much these days to really be visiting with folks anyway. I just don't have it in me anymore. I just don't want to do it without Mark.

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 2:52pm

Diane – that's a question I asked myself every day, several times a day. Why do I have to do this alone now? That certainly wasn't the plan. And now I'm just supposed to handle every thing by myself with no help or support. Completely alone. WTH?

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 2:41pm

George – I'm dealing with a similar feeling right now. I gave Mark a Dewalt handheld saw for his birthday. He was really really pleased with it. He named it Walt. Ha ha- he always had a good sense of humor. Sadly he never got to use it before he died. I left it right where he put it in our front room right next to the bookcase and I stare at it all the time. Yesterday an old friend of his asked me if he could borrow it for a project he was working on. I said yes but inside I was dying. I wanted to scream- "No- that's Walt and he belongs to my Mark. That was meant for him and only him. Why would you even ask such a thing?!"

I know it's not logical at all but, I'm just afraid to let it out of my sight. I got anxiety when he asked me to use it. Which is ridiculous, I know. I am a case for sure.

But – I will let him use it because he was one of Mark's best friends and if Mark were still here, he would have no problem with his buddy using it. Mark always was very giving and sharing. Always ready to lend a helping hand. I Used to be that way also.... I realize my behavior is strange now. I just don't recognize who I am anymore

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 2:22pm

Life is just absolutely pointless. I am going backwards in this grief. It feels like the very day that it happened. I cry and cry and I beg for him to come back. I call his name and ask him where he has gone. And I cannot believe he's never going to be here again. That just does not make sense to me.

There are endless amounts of things that remind me of him all the time. And all of these things send me reeling with pain and heartbreak. I cannot escape this longing and sadness. And I'm afraid I never will escape this until the day my broken heart finally stops beating.

Life is worthless without him in it.

Comment by George H on April 20, 2015 at 10:21am

hospice called me today they found someone in need of a hospital bed I told them I would donate it to a person that needed it so they're coming to get it tomorrow I hope I can handle that taking Mary's bed out of here right now the idea is ripping my soul

Comment by lost on April 20, 2015 at 10:06am

I haven't gotten out of bed yet. I just don't see the point. I feel like I was better last week. I feel like I'm going in a tunnel.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 20, 2015 at 9:57am

Going to close on my folks house today. Dad has been in a nursing home with Alzheimer's for 2 years. Don was supposed to be there with me today to hold me up. Now I am alone. Why am I alone in all this??? He was the best most kind and gentle man. I just dont understand???

Comment by George H on April 20, 2015 at 9:39am

Another week without mary don't know why I'm doing this I'm so Damm lonely and my life sucks I am truly sure there is know God hate hearing people say god had a plan for her what a crock of shit

Comment by Sandy Elaine Norris on April 20, 2015 at 7:06am

We had my daddy's funeral yesterday. It still feels so surreal. I believe in God and I know that I shouldn't question, but why did he have to take my husband and my daddy so close together. I wish I was numb. I would rather feel nothing than feel so much at one time. It shouldn't be possible to hurt this badly.

Comment by Tildyc on April 19, 2015 at 11:54pm

Mark and I were/are 50. The years ahead look long, sad and empty.

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