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Comment by morgan on April 21, 2015 at 12:25am

Sandy- just thinking of you…..take care……can I suggest a cup of tea and maybe a muffin or chocolate always makes me feel just a tiny bit better.  Things are going to be really tough right now.  Even though your dad was older it still doesn't make it easy.  Get some rest and cry.  Its what we do…….

Comment by morgan on April 21, 2015 at 12:17am

Nancy-  I don't understand brain cancer.  My husbands father died from it and I had a friend in Hawaii when we lived there who got it and within two weeks he was so degraded by it I couldn't believe the downward spiral. How is it that the world is so full of this thing we call cancer? My husband died from it exacerbated by diabetes and the cancer just ate where his diabetes took hold.  He wasn't the kindest to his body over the years and I can attribute the cancer to what I think was some of that but the brain?  Why?  Where does that come from?  It is such a mystery.  And now they have been using the polio vaccine to treat people with gliobastoma. This is way out there in left field when I think about how we are watching our loved ones die.  Not just how we are supposed to survive once it happens but the crazy ways our loved ones are dying……..what the heck is going on?

Comment by morgan on April 21, 2015 at 12:09am

Tildyc & bluebird-  If you come up with any ideas of how to contravene the health of your body please share.  I have read up and other than what is already mentioned I guess salt and sugar would be the next best alternative strategies.  I am down in my weight and feel a bit of trouble swallowing of late and now reading up on heart failure I am going to start using more salt.  Diastolic I think is the key here.  I have been eating a lot more sugar which I used to be more judicious in my amounts but now its chocolate and sweet baked goods as often as my stomach will allow it.  Digestion is a lithe rocky too lately.  I guess I'll add more of that too. I'm determined.  I'm not sure what, when, if or how but whatever I can do I will do.  

BTW George, I think your gift of the bed is a good way to get Mary's spirit closer to you.  She is now going to have to sit on the chair with you……:)

Comment by George H on April 20, 2015 at 11:15pm

Tildyc it's how she always was she would help anyoneand it's going to a hospice patient so it might make it easier for those people to care for their loved one oh sure I can do this because I know she would have done this

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 10:40pm

That's very kind of you George. If you believe your Mary would want this then you are honoring her. I know it's very painful to do this but somebody is going to benefit from your sacrifice. And I mean it when I say that because I know it's going to be painful. So as long as you're sure about it George... Do what she would want you to do.

Comment by bluebird on April 20, 2015 at 9:54pm

George -- I understand. Only you can decide the best course of action.

Tildy -- that doesn't sound ridiculous to me at all. I feel exactly the same way. I can't take up smoking or drinking or drugs -- I really hate cigarettes, I don't like the taste of most alcohol, and drugs would likely only exacerbate my anxiety disorder.  Also because I can't afford to buy cigarettes and/or alcohol and/or drugs. Also, I can't expose our cat to cigarette smoke. But I do eat like crap and don't get any exercise at all, and I'm hoping that gives me a massive and instantly fatal heart attack.

So yeah, I understand where you're coming from.

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 9:30pm

I want out. This is not something I can handle anymore. I've been pondering what I can possibly do to escape this painful existence. I cannot take my own life but maybe I can find a way to make myself sick. Or significantly shorten my life. Pick up smoking? Start Drinking too much? Choose my drug of choice and self medicate until there's no more pain?

I probably sound ridiculous to most of you with those statements. I can't even believe these thoughts are even in my head. This loss of my soulmate- has completely destroyed any thread of who I used to be. This person that I am now- Is someone I would've avoided and pitied when I was normal. This person that I am now – I do not recognize and definitely does not want to continue living in this life without him in it.

Comment by George H on April 20, 2015 at 9:02pm

Bluebird I totally agree with you but I know that it's going to a hospice patient and I'm figuring does they must not have the insurance to be able to get one and I'm sure this is what Mary would want me to do

Comment by bluebird on April 20, 2015 at 8:46pm

I don't expect to ever feel any better. I know that will never happen for me, and I don't even really want it to. I don't want this "life" I'm left with to get better, I want it to end. 

For those of you who do want to feel better, I truly hope you are able to find a way in which to do that.

Nancy -- I understand a little bit what you mean.  First, because my husband died a week after our wedding, so we never got the chance to be a proper married couple (although we had been together and monogamous for nearly 13 years, so it was very much a marriage, but I mean I only got to call him "husband", to his face, for one week).  Second, because while a pet is certainly not the same as a child, we didn't have kids, and we do have a cat, and when I get home from work or from my sister's house of course he wants (and needs) to play, and I just don't have the energy. I pet him and love on him all he wants, because I do love him and I can do that while sitting down and watching tv, but he's a young, active cat, and he really needs more interactive play time with me, but I don't have the energy, and I feel like shit about that.

George -- maybe you shouldn't give away the bed just yet. You can always do so later, in 6 months or a year or whatever. "They" say that you shouldn't make any major changes for the first year after a close loved one dies....

Comment by Nancy on April 20, 2015 at 7:42pm

I have to take care of my 2 year old by myself. And all I want to do is go to bed the second I get home. But I'm supposed to feed him, and entertain him. He was sending my mood tonight, I'm sure, he screamed and moped all night long. Bedtime was when I lost it, he started crying for daddy. I just sobbed, and put him in the crib, and left the room hoping he would stop crying at some point. I'm so angry at the life we could have had if stupid f$?&ing brain cancer hadn't stolen it from us. I'm not sad that he died, I'm sad that we didn't get a chance to live a normal married life as a family.

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