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Comment by morgan on April 25, 2015 at 2:23pm

Dianne- so sorry.  The crying.  Its seems endless.  The questions.  They are endless.  I am 63 and told I have a full life ahead of me.  Like you I  had what I wanted.  I have no need for anything else.  Some of the despair will lessen as you live but the hate of what this life holds…. Well, I end up pleading for an end.  I am extremely tired.  Exhausted battling the ups and downs.  And there are ups.  But this is  by far the worst time of my life.  Am I safe?  Yes.  Do I have a house I can live i and pay the bills?  Yes.  Do I want to be here?  No.  I wish for all of us I could make it different.  I just want to escape.  That's all, just escape.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 25, 2015 at 1:53pm

I am just sitting here crying out loud. I just hate this life without him. He was so good and loving and I miss his touch and voice. Why did he die??? Why am I alone??? None of this makes any sense....I am too old to start over. Our life was the best and the last 20 were everything I wanted in a marriage. Now I have nothing....

Comment by morgan on April 25, 2015 at 12:43pm

Dianne & George-  Last night over a thousand people (and likely still counting) die because of an earthquake.  Not disease, not a car accident, heart attack or other things we think of as "normal" death but an earthquake. All at once.  An act of nature so forceful that it took over one thousand lives. 

Here comes the million dollar question……WHY?  What is it that is causing so much grief in this world?  Both of you are right.  We are all right.  It is senseless.  There is no point.  Before I had love so I thought there was a point even though there was suffering and grief then.  Why do I find it so meaningless now?  Why death?  What is it with the amount of suffering that seems to be growing or is it just my imagination?  I would have willingly given my life in exchange for any one of those people in the earthquake. I want to die and yet I still live and they are gone.  WT_?

Comment by George H on April 25, 2015 at 10:32am

Dinner I don't see the point either just so senceless

Comment by Dianne M. on April 25, 2015 at 10:29am

George I was just saying that...I used to look forward to the weekends now I dread them....

Hate the silence here and the loneliness I feel. What is the point???

Comment by George H on April 25, 2015 at 10:27am

Another long lonely weekend

Comment by morgan on April 24, 2015 at 9:22pm

Tildyc-  I know its not the same but I want to say how glad I am to hear of your raise at your job.  I know you said your income halved so the extra it provides will be welcome.  Maybe Mark had his hand in it.  I sometimes have to look at things that give me a small little victory as ones my husband is sending me.   

I can really relate to some of what the two of you have done since we did the same.  We lived on Bainbridge Island for 20 years and my husband used to love to fish.  He would catch and smoke the salmon that our families would always savor when we sent them packs for Xmas.  I miss so much the man of nature that he was.  We grew up in the country of Pennsylvania outside of Pittsburgh and have known each other since second grade so hunting and fishing were a part of his life from a child.  It was where he found himself the most comfortable.  He was also the cook.  Since he has died I have made a few decent meals but in the early days it was mainly peanut butter on bagel and now it is mainly some form of sandwich, grilled or otherwise.  I don't eat very good now.  He always used to say he was feeding his birdie.

We all built our lives on the sacred geometry of the nature of love but we were only concentrating on what was right in front of us.  Now we are having to function with so much that is abstract.  It is so surreal.  Our husbands may be right in front of us but we cannot see them because of the geometry of how death constructs our love now.  There is nothing more universal or more abstract than death. Think of it.  None of us do the same thing except one thing.  We all die.  

 

So once again I go off on one of my "trying to figure it out" tangents. I can tell you your pain will not be as frequent as it is now.  Not as despairing but you will never forget what has happened to you.  Your brain will not stand this pain for an extended period but if you are at all like me you will never stop seeking.  You wont ever get the answers to your questions and there will be steps forward and then steps back but you and I must believe they are somewhere and we will be with them again.  We don't know how, or when and we want it now but we have no control over that it seems.  So in the meantime we come here to see if anything clicks.  If anything helps soothe the wound.  I can only say it is something that I see as todays outreach for the walking wounded.  Take care.

Comment by Dianne M. on April 24, 2015 at 7:56pm

Yes John T when my mother died 7 years ago we cried together and when his mom and dad died we did the same and all our dogs too..NO ONE to share these things with now....HATE THIS!!!

Comment by Dianne M. on April 24, 2015 at 5:04pm

Completed my errands and was able to walk around Costco without crying...making progress I guess.
Staying in tonight and watching my fav TV shows.

NOT the life I had planned....

Comment by George H on April 24, 2015 at 2:43pm

in spending the day wrestling with images of Mary in her bed the morning she died I sat there and held her hand until the funeral home came then I help them place her on the gurney and took her out to the hearse I just had to take her to the end of our journey now I sit here in the chair with her dog nothing but emptiness and loneliness it just makes no sense to me

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