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Comment by George H on April 27, 2015 at 8:33pm

Missing Mary I have never felt this much pain or been so alone

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 27, 2015 at 8:09pm

Hi Tildyc,

I am so sorry! It's so horrible what we have to endure day after day, week after week, month after month and know this is what it is going to be like for as long as we live. I know that for me the rest of my days--whether it is two more years or 30 more--I will pine away for my wonderful darling Joseph. That he is not here with me, that I can't hold his hand, hug him, see his smile, hear his voice, is the cruelest punishment imaginable. Life is so meaningless, I just go through the motions, but the absence of my beloved has left a huge, gaping hole in my heart that NOTHING can help. But I still go on living and will dod so indefinitely. It's horrible!

Oh, we miserable ones! Please, please let us have some respite!

Comment by Tildyc on April 27, 2015 at 7:27pm

Jesus – serious meltdown all afternoon. I got from home from work and I had to prepare to put a new fridge in because the old one had died. I had to transfer all of Mark's moose meat and deer meat and fish out of the upper freezer into the large chest freezer. My gawd it was heart wrenching. He wrapped each piece with such care and his hand writing was on every single package. He had very distinctive handwriting you know – he was left-handed.

So – anyway I bawled and cried for hours while I was getting prepared. And the whole time I kept trying to tell myself to calm down because there's people coming over to help you move this fridge. But when they showed up I was all puffy eyed anyway.

So – when they pull back the old fridge, it was a lot cleaner than I expected. There was some dust and some cobwebs but that was all except for three little freeze dried shiitake mushrooms. Mark like using them in his venison/moose stews. Somehow they ended up behind the fridge. It was like somebody kicked me in the stomach right there in front of everybody. My eyes welled up but I held it together till everybody left about 20 minutes later. They could tell that I was struggling and they hustled through the chore. They were very good friends of Mark's God bless him.

But as soon as they left I literally was on my knees with the pain and overwhelming sadness. I started to hyperventilate for chrissake... Who friggin hyperventilates over shiitake effin mushrooms??? WTF?!?

Now I've settled down a little and grabbed a glass of wine. I think I'm going to go ahead and talk to the doctor about going back on anti-anxiety medication if this crap doesn't stop. Which really sucks. I was so friggin normal before death and now I'm so effed up! And it's all due to the fact that I lost my soulmate – because my Mark died. And I can't find him anywhere.

Comment by Tildyc on April 27, 2015 at 4:43pm

Dang – watching the news. It's so very sad. All these poor unwilling victims dying. They sure didn't want to die. But still.... Here I sit.

Comment by Tildyc on April 27, 2015 at 2:38pm

Yes- as the weeks drag by I find that his pillow, hoodies and coats are all starting to smell like just clothes. His son actually took his soaps and aftershave. I still have his brush though. And it still has his smell on it- like just after he had a shower. Although that is fading away too.

For some strange reason I feel like I have to confess on here.... I took his brush and stuck it in a Ziploc baggie. I'm trying to preserve the last tangible, physical link that I have of him.

Good gawd- That must sound absolutely crazy to you guys. Because putting my dead partner's brush in a baggie to preserve the memory of the smell of him- is downright weird. This I already know.

I may have put this out here to see how folks would react, perhaps to gage my level of craziness????? The bottom line is- It's just one of the many little strange things I have to do to try to function in this evil, lonely, foreign, Mark-less world.

I'm seriously not okay folks. I just can not see how I can possibly do this without him.

Comment by George H on April 27, 2015 at 7:39am

Ann j I understand what your saying I go around my house looking for Marys sent and I feel that I am losing it also that seems to just add to the emptiness and loneliness I feel

Comment by Tildyc on April 26, 2015 at 10:30pm

I miss him so much. Having a crappy day. Can't seem to quit crying really. I miss him sitting next to me and talking to me. I miss his laugh. I miss waking up in the middle of the night and hearing his breathing right next to me. Because then I could always go right back to sleep. Now I wake up and he's gone. His side of his bed is cold. Then I remember he's gone forever and then I I cry.... And then I wake up in the morning and realize I'm still alone and always will be – and I cry some more. I miss him so much. I need him in my life and I can't do this without him. Oh babe- where did you go?

Why do I have to keep doing this day after useless, heartbreaking, soul sucking, effing day?!?

Comment by George H on April 26, 2015 at 9:58pm

So lonely I can stand this

Comment by Dianne M. on April 26, 2015 at 8:32pm

Nancy we had 20 years together and also feel like I blinked and now it is over. I am right back where I started, alone again and now a lot older. So much harder to pick up the pieces....our lives were wonderful too. We had everything we needed and a wonderful relationship too. We finished each others sentences. We dressed alike and did everything together. I am so lost without him.

Comment by Nancy on April 26, 2015 at 8:20pm

I feel like I blinked, and my life with Will was over. I met him March 2010, and he died March 2015. He kept saying how he wished he had met me sooner. I just blinked. And here I am, right back where I started. Except with a 2 year old. I was sick today with a stomach bug and I had no one to watch him for me. So he played as best he could, with me on the couch trying not to puke. What am I doing to my kid? Will he grow up feeling neglected? He had a seizure 3 days after our wedding day. I don't wish him back a day longer in the state he was when he died. But I miss the engagement Will. Our lives were so damn wonderful. I took a chance and married this man, and look where that ended up.

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