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Comment by Tildyc on May 5, 2015 at 12:44am

I meant to say- I realize I will never ever escape the pain of this life long sentence. But I can escape all the other bullshit in life that I don't want to have to deal with anymore. I have no reason to stay connected to the rest the world now. I truly do not belong among the normal people anymore and I can't kill myself because I believe that would end any hope of ever being reunited with Mark again. So – I'm going to try and disappeared the best I can.

I have to start formulating my plan. Look into how much retirement I have and some other options. I hope to God I can figure this out. I'm so overwhelmed and broken. I just don't belong anymore.

Comment by Tildyc on May 5, 2015 at 12:23am

Hiked out to the old family cabin again today- just me and the dogs. It's so very isolated and quiet out there. There is no neighbors and the closest road is a mile a half hike through the woods and through 2 rivers.. No one will ever bother me out there. No electricity, no plumbing. Just the fresh water creek running next to it. It has a wood burning stove and a gas stove. There's a canoe and woodshed. it's completely and totally off the grid.

I'm beginning to look into finding a way to quit my job and check out of this world that I'm existing in now. I realize I will never ever escape the pain for this going to be a life lbut I can escape all the other bullshit in life that I don't want to have to deal with anymore.

Comment by Tildyc on May 4, 2015 at 9:35pm

George- let me finish that last sentence for you George. "cuz there's no way of getting away from your"... pain.

Pain. It is forever and always will be...the constant.

Comment by George H on May 4, 2015 at 6:24pm

well stayed in my room last night for the first time in over 9 months didn't get any sleep at all was out drinking coffee at 3 o'clock so it doesn't seem to be much different than sitting in the chair and of course I had to take everything with me the blanket the pillow so I don't know one place is just as bad as the next cuz there's no way of getting away from your

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 4, 2015 at 1:48am

Dianne,

A big smiling face of my husband is my computer saver image and I have gotten used to that. But I, too, after many weeks made the mistake of looking at his photos. Joseph was so handsome, so full of life and vitality. I felt a stab at my heart as the the thought struck me fresh that Joseph was cheated out of his life, he didn't get to have a natural lifespan, three scores and ten is the minimum prescribed by the religious Books. He was cut down at the prime of his life at 49, he still had so much to give and so much still to enjoy. Can't we even look at our beloved's photos without dissolving into tears? Oh, what a life it is!

George H, hope you pass your first night back in your bedroom with not too much heartache, and Nancy, hope you can finally get some rest after this day full of emotions.

I keep praying that we will all--the bereaved--get some respite where not every hour is a struggle and so emotionally charged.  

Comment by Nancy on May 3, 2015 at 10:47pm

Sold my husband's car yesterday, and gave his prized gaming table to one of his friends. I'm still awake tonight, must be churning too many emotions.

Comment by George H on May 3, 2015 at 9:29pm

the word I was looking for there is detached not tax sometimes this phone just types what it wants

Comment by George H on May 3, 2015 at 9:27pm

I move back into our bedroom today Mary hasn't slept in there since 2008 when she had her stroke and we put the hospital bed in the living room and for the last 9 or 10 months I haven't slept in there at all and it was on and off during the other times I don't see that as any kind of a big step considering I moved everything from the chair into the bedroom so all I did was change locations just being the tax stuff is really starting to get to me not sure how I feel about no emotion or nothing else I'll just I'm just now that's something I've never gone through before I guess we'll see how this bedroom works out tonight or will end up right back in the chair

Comment by Dianne M. on May 3, 2015 at 9:20pm

I made the mistake of looking through some pictures on my computer. He was so handsome and I have some really nice pictures of him. Makes me so sad and lonely looking at them. I am living my worst nightmare. How will I ever get through this?

Comment by George H on May 3, 2015 at 9:19pm

well it's been another long day heading into another long night heading into another long week one after the other after the other

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