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Comment by George H on May 13, 2015 at 6:53am

haven't posted much but I've been keeping up with you all my reading your posts I still feel very detached from everything and everyone don't do too much just bang around the house trying to get things done and try two make sense of why I feel this way detachment for some reason comes with a lot of guild but I'm sure a lot of you know that but just thought I'd let you all know I'm still here trying to exist and as of yet 11 weeks I still haven't seen her smelled or dreamed of Mary absolutely driving me nuts

Comment by Tildyc on May 13, 2015 at 12:19am

Perhaps it's not a bunch of BS. Because that dream I experienced about 20 yrs ago when my childhood friend walked in and bid me farewell... proves to me, that at least that aspect of visitation exists. It's probably the one thing that keeps me from driving off that cliff I pass by every time I head to the cabin.

Because these lucid dreams are- I believe- worth something.... Not enough to make the remainder of my life worth a shit but- it presents at least something I might try to believe in? A possibility that someday I may walk through that closed door to be with my Mark on the other side?

Yes- I'm a little out there these days. And this was just ONE example of the many strange and diverse aspects of my struggles to just try and make it from day to day. It's the world in which I have to live in now.

Comment by Tildyc on May 12, 2015 at 7:14pm

Trina- I do believe that our soul/energy/spirit go on after our body dies. But as far as where or how they go on... This is where I feel that metaphorical door slams shut in my face. My own personal experience thus far (my dreams) has perhaps given a slight hope that our loved ones may be able to be around us. But for me- each time I felt like there was a form of contact- it was only messages of good bye. And After those messages- it seems that it just stopped. At least so far.


And maybe these dreams I had- where just the desperate grasping of a confused and tortured psyche. Reeling from the trauma of the loss of someone so connected and important to my existence.

Maybe our departed love ones just move away from us and their old world over time? Perhaps they move on to a different far away realm?

Maybe they stay right there with us? Maybe they come and in out of our lives at will- unbeknownst to us.

Maybe... It's all a bunch of bs?

Honestly-I don't know much. Except that if Mark could provide me with something I can understand and believe in- it would literally save my life.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 12, 2015 at 6:49pm

Paul had already been diagnosed with Young Onset Parkinson's Disease for several years when we met online.  Before our first date, I had already researched the disease which was a good thing since it was love at first sight for both of us.  Perhaps because I married him knowing that it was likely that I would outlive him, the loss has been easier.  What was not easy was the horror of watching him lose the ability to swallow and slowly starve to death.  I made palliative care decisions for him slowly and thoughtfully as I did not want to be left with unhealthy guilt.  While there are aspects of his medical care I wish I could have changed, I know the decisions I made were based on the information I had at the time.  I married Paul knowing that the love we had for each other was worth whatever I had to do to care for him as the disease progressed and when he died eleven years later I still felt that way.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on May 12, 2015 at 4:09pm

Tildyc,

When you asked earlier about the existence of souls, I remained silent because I didn't want to offend anyone's religious/spiritual beliefs. I had wanted to tell you that I know that Joseph and my parents and all others who have died are still out there, in a different state and different plane, but they are out there. I personally do not have the slightest doubt on that score.

So your Mark has made his presence felt to you in your dreams. That's him communicating with you and telling you he is there next to you and will always be there for you, that he loves you.

I wish that Joseph would visit me more often in my dreams but he doesn't. What he does is makes his presence known to me. I know he is here with me a lll the time, of course, I can't see him, but I do feel his presence and know that he is watching over me and continues to love me from beyond.

Mark will make his presence felt to you more often too and that will bring you comfort. Take care.

Comment by Tildyc on May 12, 2015 at 9:22am

Within the first month of my Mark's passing I had two very lucid dreams that he came to me in. I never really remember any of my dreams but these two I definitely remembered very clearly.

These dreams had a very similar feeling to a dream I had back in the mid 90s when I was living in Fairbanks. At that time I had a dream about a childhood friend who I had known all my life. And although we were good friends when we were younger and grew up as neighbors we had not spoke to one another for years and years. But for some reason that night he showed up randomly in my dream. He walked up to me and gave me the warmest, most caring hug I've ever felt. Then he smiled at me and walked away into the woods. When I awoke I thought that was quite random- since I had not had any communication with him for so long but it was nice seeing him. And I also thought it quite strange that I actually remembered that dream and how lucid it felt. Three days later my mom called me from my home town and asked me if I had heard yet that my childhood friend had died in his apartment in Anchorage ...three days ago. That was the one and only time that I ever had a dream like that in my entire life. Until the two dreams that I had after losing my soulmate.

Another thing I did after Mark had passed were meditations and I felt I received some possible signs from him as a result of it. But anymore – no matter how hard I try – I can no longer hear him or feel him or see him in my dreams or any other way. And each day that passes without him-I become more and more broken and desperate and hopeless. I just want this to end.

Comment by Tildyc on May 11, 2015 at 11:37pm

Wow m morgan- that's it. You just put it in words- the cancer that is eating my soul.

"What is not possible for me to do is to love anyone else ever again and in order for me to feel like this life is at all worthwhile living I need that."

The absence of Mark= a life w/out love= a life that is not worth living.

Comment by morgan on May 11, 2015 at 10:51pm

I have had some really bad moments lately and I have been analyzing why.  I just had a breakdown with the one person who keeps in touch with me on a daily basis and I think I know better what is going on with me.  

I can spend hours of days trying and doing stuff to keep me busy.  I can do all that without drugs or counseling.  That has gotten better over the period of the years that have passed.  What is not possible for me to do is to love anyone else ever again and in order for me to feel like this life is at all worthwhile living I need that.  I need love for me to feel purpose and it would be despicable of me, mean and unfair to try to bring someone else close because I could never love them.   I loved my husband to the point that no one could ever touch me that way.   It will never happen.  Knowing that and realizing that the rest of my days will be spent without the purpose of love is killing me.  I cant keep lifting myself up and doing things and pushing forward without love………my husbands love.  My lows are so low now.   Time is fuller with doing things, being creative, watching tv, reading and writing, trying to cook etc but it will never be enough to bring this to a good end. 

I know there are some who write on here that will be able in time to find a companionable asset to have some purpose in their lives.   Whether that will be their children, grandchildren, siblings, work,  travel, something  will provide a purpose.   They will limp along pasting a collage together of ups and downs and endure the best they can and find enough purpose to call it good.  I have tried to do that too but with no children, no religious absolution, and no one close enough to be there when I dive headfirst into my hole I am wearing down.  I don’t want pity,  I have quit looking for understanding.  This is beyond a test of my stamina.  This is emotion that transcends anything I can understand.  Reasoning that will not be answered in this earthly realm.   How long I will last is anybody’s guess but I do believe that grief for those who are left behind because of the death of a loved one needs a lot more attention than a pile of pills, a stack of prayer and some books asking us to give it time.   Hopefully sites like this will be the starting point for study in order to help those whose lives are irretrievably shattered by shaking hands with death. 

Comment by George H on May 11, 2015 at 9:49pm

manage to get by another weekend Mother's Day was a rough day there seems to be no way to get around all this stuff happening to us I just know that being detached like I am at the moment seems to be the only thing giving me peace but along with the detachment there is a whole lot of guilt for not having any emotion for not feeling anything I'm just trying from day to day I just hope I can get through this

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 11, 2015 at 9:34pm

That is what I felt too - the immediate and total loss of connection.  I have taken to talking to Paul in my head at night.  Reminding him how much I loved him and miss him.  Telling him he better be there waiting for me when my time comes.  He has only been gone two months so there are times when I can still feel his arms around me and sense his presence.  Is it just memory or is he really there?  I prefer to believe that he is looking over me.

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