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Comment by Tildyc on May 30, 2015 at 3:32am

Mark was the cook in our family. The best cook I've ever known. He prepared 99% of our meals. It was one of his biggest pleasures in life to cook and feed others.

Now- just opening a cupboard in the kitchen can cause for me such a deep sadness and feeling of loss. It literally causes me to completely fall apart... What use to be warm and happy times have turned into heartbreak. A simple can of Old Bay seasoning can destroy me. (He used it for crab and shrimp.) I can very easily end up crying for hours and hours over such a small event.

In fact- I'm surrounded by hundreds of emotional land mines. Everywhere. At any moment I'll have a flashback of a memory of us.... like when I'm at the store- and I'm in the very isle where we had discussed which type of rice to have with dinner that evening or when I see his warm winter gloves and how he insisted I use his them for the dog walk that day.

I try to avoid these situations but its like jumping into the ocean and trying not to get wet. It's just not possible.

Absolutely everywhere there are reminders of the empty space in my life now. This sadness......has become a permanent part of who I am.

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on May 29, 2015 at 9:56pm

My husband was a big man who lived to eat and as the Parkinson's progressed that was one of his last remaining pleasures.  The horror was that he lost the ability to swallow at the end and literally slowly starved to death.  One of the hardest things since he died is seeing treats in the store and thinking Paul would love that and then realizing I can't bring it to him.

Comment by Richard G on May 29, 2015 at 9:52pm

I haven't cooked since Cherie died. I either eat out or I have cereal.

Comment by Dianne M. on May 29, 2015 at 9:30pm

I cant cook any of the meals we enjoyed together. I also cant plant any of the things in my garden that he liked. I planted tomatoes so I could make huge pots of pasta sauce for him. So no tomatoes this year unless they come up on their own.

I have been having dreams about him this week. So strange. I hope he is trying to tell me something I just wish I knew what.

Comment by bluebird on May 29, 2015 at 9:26pm

It's the same way with me, m morgan and John T.  I don't really cook, and I definitely don't cook any of the meals my husband particularly liked. If he's not here to eat them with me, then I won't make them or eat them. I eat at my sister's 3 or 4 nights a week, although they're vegan and I'm not (but I don't really mind it).  Nights I eat at home, it's something microwaved, mostly.  Once every couple of weeks I'll make a big pot of spaghetti and meatballs (pre-made, frozen meatballs -- so really all I do is microwave the meatballs, boil water for the spaghetti, and open a jar of pre-made sauce), then I freeze it into 5 or 6 separate meals, so that I have them in the freezer and can just microwave them when I don't feel like cooking, which is usually.

Comment by morgan on May 29, 2015 at 7:46pm

Gee, another sandwich.  How many versions of those do you think I can have before I die?

Is there a way to stop this so I don't have to keep pretending this is worth it?

Comment by George H on May 29, 2015 at 6:38am

for the last couple of weeks I've been detached from all this pain and loneliness now I seem to be slipping back into the darkness every day seems to be getting worse and worse now I'm missing her more and more 14 weeks Tuesday and I got that little bit of relief being detached with during that time I felt guilty for not having all those hard emotional feelings this shit is driving me nuts

Comment by Richard G on May 28, 2015 at 8:28am

John, I completely understand how you feel. So many people think that there is a time limit on grief. I still grieve for my first wife and now I grieve for Cherie also. When we lose someone we love so deeply a part of ourselves dies with them. People who have never experienced such a lose can never understand how much it hurts. I had an old friend came yesterday and stay overnight. I told him I appreciated the company but that I am not very good company now. Having someone here who has never experienced this kind of loss made me realize that we live in two very different worlds. I think often the people who are uncomfortable talking about our deceased loved ones are the people who are afraid to face their own mortality. I am glad that we all have this site where we can talk to other people who understand. I can't imagine how much more alone I would feel if it weren't for this site. 

Comment by morgan on May 27, 2015 at 9:49pm

JohnT

Sorry you've had to go through the sickness and in health part without your spouse.  I've been sick twice now since my husband died and then the worst was when I fell off a ladder from ten feet up and landed in a bed for two weeks flat on my back.  That was the worst time I think I have ever had.  It was a combination of feeling so damn sorry for myself, angry for falling and then knowing that every other time I couldn't move because I was sick he was there to bring me comfort.  I'm sure you felt the same.  Our spouses were so kind to us.

I had a really bad breakdown last week and I am literally trying to recover from that.  A bad one.  I have realized that when I wake up now in the morning I know that I have to live but the really sad part is that I hate life.  I now actively hate life.  It's different from being alone and hating the fact that my beloved has died.   I have become very bitter and hateful that I am stuck here and will have to live by myself.  I know that because I am repelled by anything having to do with being with anyone.  No one could ever fill me like my husband did so I am going solo from here on in and the idea of that just revolts me.  It's a pretty visceral reaction on my part and sounds pretty strong but I am so tired of fighting to live.  So instead I decided to just hate it all.   Boy this death thing has really put me in a place I never thought I'd be.  I think people think this is some kind of choice I am making to be so hurt too.  They really think I want to be this way.  Some day they may feel this too.  I just figure you hate as deep as you loved so there is a lot going on inside me.  

Comment by Tildyc on May 26, 2015 at 6:31pm

I just walked through the door after work.... and he's still not there. Of course I KNOW he's not EVER going to be there again... But I can't stop looking expectantly at his chair. I do it without realizing it. It's heartbreaking. And that's when I have my 2nd bout of tears for the day.

I also still continually check my phone all day at work. A habit I can't break. He use to text me at least twice a day and call fairly often. Now- nothing.

I miss him so much. I feel so damn empty. Alone. Hopeless. My life is pointless now.

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