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Comment by rachel_micele on June 4, 2015 at 9:37pm

As Tidyc posted, "why is my broken heart still beating?". Exactly. I don't know how I'm even alive, let alone how to survive this awful grief. As m morgan said, "I am just "doing" because I am breathing." Also, exactly. Each day that goes by I feel more stretched, pulled apart, something that I can't get my finger on. I'm not here in today, in June 4th. I'm still "back there" at 87 days ago living in March 10th.

Comment by George H on June 4, 2015 at 9:12pm

Finding it harder everyday without Mary I don't see any relief at all the loneliness is like nothing I've ever experienced before like you Richard I do my best to get through everyday I just sit here and wonder why i attempt it nothing means anything to me at all if the world exploded I don't think it would make a difference I'm just so tired of being without her

Comment by Richard G on June 4, 2015 at 9:07pm

I feel the pain of all the people in this group. Sometimes the grief is so over powering. I find it hard to be out in public and see couples knowing that my love is gone. I wonder if they appreciated what they have or take it for granted. I wonder if I will ever feel joy again. This is not living, it is merely existing. I somehow managed to exist my way through another day. If I'm unlucky enough to wake up in the morning I will find a way to get through tomorrow. I don't think most people can even imagine the depth of pain we are experiencing. I wish none of us had need of this site but I'm glad I have a place to communicate with others that understand. I wish you all some moments of peace.

Comment by Tildyc on June 4, 2015 at 2:31pm

The painful thoughts keep pummeling me today. It feels like my heart and mind are under siege the couple of days. This a type of darkness that eats me alive. I don't know how to escape it. I swear- I may as well find something strong to start self medicating for these darkest of dark days. I cannot bare this any longer. I need all these heart breaking words of loss to stop repeating over and over in my head. I don't want to cry anymore. I need Mark to make this all stop. But I will never have his help or love again. This needs to end.

Comment by morgan on June 4, 2015 at 12:23am

John…..We are all drifting in this boat on a vast ocean of sorrow.  Inability to get in the shower is very familiar.  And looking at things now and looking back at what we were saying to help our loves is just another dagger to the heart.  Yep, the pillar is familiar as well.  Sometimes I don't make it to someplace discrete.  Does it get to palace where it isn't so raw?  I've read that some people make it there.  I don't get those raw feelings as often but I am having worse times with the intensity now.  The begging and pleading to be removed from this earth has not subsided.  

Try not to beat yourself up for the love part though.  Your wife knew you loved her.  She wanted you.  Period.  With all the warts and bruises.  Trust me.  I can tell by the intensity of how you feel about her she felt the same about you.  And yes, it's painful, confusing, lonely and much much more…….how are we doing it?  I don't know.  I don't really feel I am "doing" anything, I am just "doing" because I am breathing.  That's it.  No more, no less.  Like bluebird said, this is a cruel way to have to live life.  And now I will have to go to bed and try to sleep and hope against hope I don't see the light of day tomorrow.  

Comment by bluebird on June 3, 2015 at 11:29pm

I do that too, m morgan -- beg my husband to come back to me or, if he can't, to come get me and take me to wherever he is.  And then I feel guilty for doing so, because if there is an afterlife then I might be causing him pain. But I cannot do this, I will not do this.

I feel so bad for all of us. This is a fucked up way to run life, letting our loved ones die and leave us behind, without even the assurance (in my opinion, anyway) that they continue to exist and that we will be reunited.  If there is a god, s/he is unspeakably cruel.

Comment by morgan on June 3, 2015 at 11:26pm

Count me in Tildyc and Bluebird.  I still cannot believe he is dead.  He's dead. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?  I beg him daily in my tearful breakdowns to please come and get me.  Doesn't he see me?  Can't he see I cant do this?  

Nothing in my life has broken me like this. I want nothing more than to not have to wake up tomorrow morning.  

Comment by bluebird on June 3, 2015 at 11:18pm

I know exactly what you mean, Tildy. I literally cannot comprehend this horror. I refuse to accept it. To me, the world does not exist anymore, I am just existing in hell, hopefully only temporarily.

 

I don't want to live without my husband, either. I have zero interest in any kind of life without him. You said "Why is my broken heart still beating?" -- I ask myself that constantly, too.

Comment by Tildyc on June 3, 2015 at 11:15pm

All day long I've been plagued by those feelings of disbelief that he's gone. My confused and broken psyche keeps trying to behave as if he's still alive. That he's going to be in all the same places he should be. That he's going to call and let me know when he's going to be home.

Every where I went today was a flash back. At work this morning- the memory of how he would come in and visit me for a moment was with me all day. I remember the exact look in his beautiful eyes, the shuffling way he would walk, that very slight California boy accent left over from his youth. It takes every ounce of my willpower to hang on long enough to go hide in the bathroom before the tears start.

All day- and now- so many many memories and moments... Some are beautiful and some that are gut wrenching- but all of it hurts so so so much. It never really stops either. This pain is always right near the surface and breaks through several times a day. But today- it's a bad one. Tears and sadness.

This weight is so heavy. This loss is so undeniably permanent. It has destroyed everything I was and has left behind just a shell. I don't want to live anymore. Not like this... Not without Mark.

Why is my broken heart still beating?

Comment by Linda Martin Warner on June 3, 2015 at 8:42pm

Another good article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheryl-sandberg/choosing-life-and-fin...

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