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Comment by Tildyc on June 7, 2015 at 12:44pm

I apologize if my posts upset anyone. I realize they are mostly dark and disparaging. Not at all uplifting or comforting. It's just that this is the only place I can come and state exactly how I'm truly feeling. I cannot do that with anyone else on the "outside." To them I have to fake everything. Hide the fact that I'm broken and empty. Dark- and so very different from them and who I use to be. A strange quiet outsider.

Comment by Tildyc on June 7, 2015 at 1:52am

I don't know what to do. I can't escape. The sadness just goes on and on........

Comment by Tildyc on June 7, 2015 at 1:47am

Yes bluebird- EVERYTHING.


Then there is the regular occurrence of reliving the final day and hours of his life. This is yet another memory that constantly haunts me. I go over and over the events of that day. The pointless what ifs and should ofs. The unavoidable heavy guilt that I cannot escape.

The look in his eyes..... My god- I will forever carry that vision in my memory. First- those beautiful eyes filled with so much pain and fear. Then... a few short agonizing hours later.... those very same eyes of my beloved and cherished soulmate...irreversibly and forever void of all light. For a brief moment my mind was confused and was trying to reject the unacceptable reality that was forcing itself upon me. But then I felt all the heavy crushing grief consume me and erase all that I had once been. Fracturing me into a million pieces and leaving me broken and empty. Forever un-raveled and weird. Sentenced to lifetime of pain.

Comment by morgan on June 7, 2015 at 1:22am

I would do pretty much anything to leave this earth……….

Comment by bluebird on June 6, 2015 at 6:07pm

Tildy, it's like that for me as well -- everything is divided into before-he-died and after-he-died.  Posts I made online, movies that came out, life events, books I've read, etc.  EVERYTHING.

Comment by Tildyc on June 6, 2015 at 3:43pm

Every single time I see a date that's earlier than Feb. 4th, 2014- I always always say to myself- That's when Mark was still alive- still with me. And I'll try to remember what he or we where doing at that time. And how unaware and oblivious we where of the upcoming destruction of our lives as we knew it. The irreversible damage to my very existence. So unaffected and vulnerable. It's one of the main events on my extensive list of triggers that makes my heart drop and the tears start. I don't believe I will ever recover- or ever truly be happy- ever again.

Comment by George H on June 6, 2015 at 3:40pm

Another really bad day living without very truly sucks it don't matter what I try to do physical activities are just a waste of time they do absolutely nothing the loneliness and the emptiness living like this is just not worth it

Comment by Richard G on June 5, 2015 at 4:47pm

Everyday I wonder how I got through the days since Cherie's death.

Comment by Fran on June 5, 2015 at 10:43am

We have to quit beating ourselves up for how we feel! 

Comment by bluebird on June 4, 2015 at 11:26pm

rachel_michelle, I so know what you mean about not being here, in the present -- I still exist back on the day my husband died, and  always will.

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