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Comment by George H on June 24, 2015 at 6:36am

hi everyone still here haven't posted much and I truly have nothing to add Mary's been gone 16 weeks yesterday and as you all know life is not getting any better not getting any lighter and the loneliness is still staggering I keep up with you all and I wish you all good luck in trying to move forward as for myself like most of you I just don't see that happening at this time but I just want you all to take care of yourselves in the early days you guys were the only support I had and actually still are

Comment by rachel_micele on June 23, 2015 at 10:37pm

Thank you John. Reading your profile info I can understand where you are coming from. And it goes to show another twist to this time concept. My heart goes out to you for the guilt that is eating at you.

I only had Gary for 5 years, 3 1/2 of what we were officially together. Our relationship was rough at times also. There were a couple issues we always fought about and at one point I considered breaking up. But neither of us wanted to be with anyone else, we loved each other so much, and I knew if we could just work these things out, it would be perfect. We finally had a breakthrough after a 3 day fight in December, 3 months before he passed. It was like a new start to our relationship. We were both different people. The fruit that was coming from that was wonderful. So not only so little quantity of time, we were just getting started.

Comment by rachel_micele on June 23, 2015 at 8:48pm

PotatoLord - Out of my pain, I too will feel envious of those who had more time with their love than I did. It's like I want to say to them, at least you had the time you did when I had so little, almost to dismiss their grief. But I know that's just my anger talking and while I don't think it's right to judge anyone's pain, I've just concluded for now it's the same world of grief just a different twist. It's like we're heartbroken because we didn't have the time and what comes with it and they are heartbroken because they did. And each one is still an awful hell. 

Maybe when it comes to being grateful for the time we did have is where we can struggle more and where this envy roots from. I don't know.

Nor do I mean any offense to anyone, just working to process is all. I wish none of us was going through any of this.  

Comment by morgan on June 23, 2015 at 11:41am

Every day is something different but this morning I have determined that I am a functioning invalid. I've known it for a time now I am just writing about it. Sounds contrary but I can't say I have healed or am healing from the ripping open of my heart, but to the outside world I stand and walk and talk and seem to be getting better.  

I have always been a pretty emotional person.  I was brought up in Catholicism but pretty much understood when Santa went south that the stories were about the same.  Then I just tried to go inside myself and become as aware as I could about natural law…. the earth, the dirt, the sea, who we all were and get together a philosophy of why.   I practiced yoga and explored astrology for awhile and I still get some small benefit to my psyche from wind chimes and things that sparkle.  Lately its been studying physics and getting further away from the distractions of the noise of living.  But technically I am sick.  An invalid.  My emotional side has been hijacked to the ward of the sick and it isn't coming back.

Every day something intrudes into my space and time and lets me know like a sledgehammer that nothing about my former life exists.  I suffer inside every moment.  Emotion torn asunder.

I think there should be a place that people like me could go and just sign on the dotted line and let them finish what has left me in limbo because this is certainly not living.  I may breathe, I may eat and do daily task but I am only a functioning invalid.  I am hurting as much with my pain as anyone who has a terminal illness.

Am I in the worst shape possible?  No.  I can think that there are millions of people that have it worse than I do living in my old reality of war and poverty and plague and overall dismal conditions and yet I feel as bad about my own condition as I they must do about theirs.  

So I will get up and get my tea and at some point eat something and with all the conveniences that I have I will go about my day as though nothing has happened and to most people that is exactly what it looks like.  But at some point the sledgehammer will hit (actually it already has which has precipitated this post) and I will be the blubbering incapacitated invalid that I now function like on a daily basis in the inside and look normal to those who have no idea that I died back in 2013.  

All I want is my husband.  I'll take him in any form I can get him and if I can't have him then let me go.  Please.  Life has gone on plenty long for me.  Let me go…..

Comment by Richard G on June 21, 2015 at 11:54am

Angela, It is really hard to be in the empty house I shared with my love Cherie. I know how you feel. It has been just over two months and I don't how I make it through the days. It is frustrating how all the rest of the world goes back to their lives. When I lost my first wife to cancer someone stayed overnight with me the first night after she died. When I told my second wife's family that they said we won't let that happen this time. So when I lost Cherie my second wife to cancer they were right it didn't happen. What happened was nobody stayed with me the first night. I don't know how I got through that night and all the days that have followed. They only comfort I can offer is that you are not alone. Hugs and prayers to you.

Comment by Angela on June 20, 2015 at 11:39am

I never realized how much he filled my world. There is so much quiet and empty space. It stops me in my tracks. I don't want to do anything. It does not feel right walking through the house...the kitchen, every room is different now. There is such a huge void in my world and the sadness and yearning for him can be so unbearable. He has been gone 55 days...i hate this. I get angry that my husband was taken from me.
I can't even fathom thinking about my future without him in it. I struggle with each hour, minute, and second!
I just crash here on the couch alone among his books and art that he loved to much and I just cry.

Lord give me strength. I know life goes on but it's not how I want it. We had plans fur our future, things to do, places to go...TOGETHER.....I am fearful of navigating the world alone now.
This truly sucks!
The other part that sucks is all those people that came to the service and wanted to do things for me are nowhere now. They have all resumed their lives and mine, the way I knew it, stopped 55 days ago. I have called several people who are busy, don't answer their phones. It's so lonely.

Comment by Nancy on June 18, 2015 at 10:01pm

I had someone hit on me today. It was the first time in a long time, and my man was not here to defend me. It made me feel very alone and vulnerable. I wanted to respond to the guy with something really nasty or really direct but in the end I didn't say anything at all.

I miss him. I just MISS him.

And I'm mad at that idiot that tripped my "sad" switch and threw me back into crying sobbing mode. I was doing really good too. It takes so little to trip it, and then it takes days to recover. I go back to all those days, the good ones and the bad ones, and the rush of mixed memories and feelings. And I have to come back here to this little group and see how everyone else is doing. And you're all still here. We are all still just here. This sucks.

Comment by Tildyc on June 18, 2015 at 1:00am

It's unreal that he is not ever going to be there again. If there are future upcoming events- all I can think is that Mark is not going to be there to do that with me. And how much more sense it would make if he were there- like he's suppose to be. My conscience cannot seem to adjust to this fact that I will be doing everything alone from now on. Without him.... For the rest of my life.


Without him.

Comment by Tildyc on June 17, 2015 at 10:04pm

I often flash back to the day he died. Today I cannot keep my mind off it. Not sure why- but the image of his eyes just before I called the ambulance is haunting me. The last words he said to me rip through my memory and heart. I'm right back there again- the evening he died. I began crying right when I walked in the door from work. I had been fighting back the tears all day. I cried until I exhausted myself and fell asleep. Then as soon as I woke up, I immediately began crying again.

I cry every day. But today- I cannot escape this onslaught. I just wish he would come get me - now. I just want to die and be with him. I'm sick of my existence. I can barely form a coherent thought right now. My soul has been turned inside out.

Comment by morgan on June 17, 2015 at 3:00pm

PART 2--I feel like I am living in hell.  Not all the time but when it comes now it comes in spades.  I am leveled by my own thoughts.  I feel so much for people who still HAVE to work and having problems with finances and need to still bring up children.  It’s so hard.  I mean how hard does life have to be?  

I thought because we struggled and sacrificed to live when we were together that was hard but NOTHING we did compares to this.  Nothing.  I just never imagined I could have been so tied to another person that this kind of damage could be done to my psyche that I couldn't fix at some point.  
Maybe that time will come but given the time record so far I am less distraught all the time but when I am it is horrendous.  35 years was a long time to wire my brain to the love and company of a person in whose eyes I saw myself because of the love I saw in his eyes.  I am bereft.  I am stunned.  I picked myself up off the cold hard stone floor to write this after crying myself to exhaustion so it probably isn't the best post I will ever make but I thank each and every one of you and this website for allowing me the space and time to unload and as I see new names appear on this board I want so much to help all of us find a way through this mode of communication to find out the answers as to our ‘whys’ so the pain is not so difficult and yet I see each of us struggling to make sense of death.  We are a changed species after shaking hands with death.  We no longer live in the old reality and the new place we landed seems surreal.  Like each of you we would all prefer to be somewhere else.  Anywhere but here.  I think that is why we isolate.  It is just easier not to have to explain why we cannot tolerate the old reality anymore.  

I just wish for those who can adjust, the best life possible, given their experience and for those of us who find it much more difficult I wish a speedy exit in the quickest least painful way possible.  Maybe some day we will all understand the big secret of the cosmos and the big question of why will be answered.  In the meantime thanks to all who write.  It helps me to understand that pain like this is not abnormal.

Namaste.

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