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Comment by morgan on July 3, 2015 at 3:08pm

To all who come here to release the thoughts that create our anguish…..I wish I had the energy to respond to each of you as when I read the posts I have so many thoughts that rush through my head.  

Bluebird,  you're right, I forgot.  You are even ahead of me in time spent and it seems neither of us can get over, through, or beyond the feelings that are etched in our souls.  And now we hear from Betsy. As Anne said it is that endless loop.  

I cry for myself and each one of you and wonder how I missed this whole population of sad people in the past. Sad is hardly a representative word but anymore I just am at a loss for how to describe what this is like.  I just know that all of us have lost something more precious than our own lives and it has taken us into a totally different place than we ever could have imagined when we were happy and content and safe with our love.  Even during hard times they were always ok because our love pulled us through.  

I guess what I am saying is two and half years of this has worn me out.  I want to engage each time I read a new post but I cant.  But I want you to know I am so grateful for the expressions of what this is like.  I don't think the psychiatrists and people who want to fix us have a clue and if they were just to come here and read it would be an eye opening channel if they were really wanting to know about what help they might be able to proffer. Instead they prescribe drugs and offer suggestions that are nigh to impossible to implement.  My sister still cant help but infer that this is some kind of self inflicted masochistic maneuver I am delivering to myself.  Of course her love has been based on a totally different calculus. She would likely bounce back within a couple months.  As trite as it sounds "different strokes….."

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.  It has been tough leading up to it and I will see what happens tomorrow.   It sounds as though Trina you are going to have a tough day tomorrow and I guess you too Anne are going to be in the same boat I am rowing.  In all likelihood I will probably get some sleep tonight and have to face it because I will have survived another 24 hours.  The other night I think I came to a more settled spot though.  

I have a couple rather large "projects" I need to deal with that have been hanging over my head.  Ones that were not resolved when my beloved was alive.  After having come to another small epiphany in my thoughts I believe I might be able to find a solution. If so, it will release me from some of what has been such a burden as I walked this road alone.  As a result I am also hopeful that if resolved I will come to a crossroads where I can make a decision as to whether to continue on this road or take another.  I cannot say what might happen then because I no longer make plans, think ahead or have goals particularly.  I just know that if I can lighten my load I will have done something that my husband entrusted to me in haste and with no suggestions but that I need to deal with.  To be able to do what I hope he approves of I will then be free to review my own status and value of living.  Right now if I had dealt with these projects I would not be writing this.  Unresolved plans are unresolved angst.  I can barely stand the pressure which is why I am so exhausted and the crying just keeps pouring out of me whenever and wherever it decides to hit.  

ok I am rambling now but I think you all get it.  Rambling is what we do.  Haven't cried yet today so that in itself is a plus.  It's 3:03 and I haven't decided to curl up in a ball yet. ………they would call that progress.

Take care everyone…….thanks for listening.

morgan

Comment by Betsy Arnold on July 3, 2015 at 10:55am

Hello everyone, my name is Betsy, and I have been a member of this website for a while, but only just joined this group about losing your spouse. I lost my wonderful husband, Dale almost 6 years ago. He was 43, and I was 45. I am still having such a hard time moving on with my life. He had rare blood diseases that led to cancer, and a failed stem cell transplant. He died on October 31, 2009. He was my best friend. After he died, I continued going for a degree in music therapy. I had always been a caregiver and musician all of my life, so I and everyone else thought it would be a perfect career for me. I finished the degree requirements in 2013, and have taken the Board 4 times since then, but have failed it each time, although coming close to a passing score. It costs so much money to take it every time, and I am finding myself running out of money and in danger of losing my house, my life. In 2012, I began taking care of my Mom full time, as she started requiring more care. She died in 2014 from liver cancer that was diagnosed only a week before she died. She and Dale were my best friends. Family and friends have all gone on with their lives. Dale and I did not have children, and we were married for a little over 18 years. I know how to take care of everyone else, but I don't know how to take care of everyone else. My only full time jobs ever were caring for my Mom and my husband. I've worked part time jobs through the years, but nothing substantial. I start Monday part time as a caregiver/companion for seniors, and I am hoping it will grow into full time. I am also starting a business doing music at nursing homes, but it is so slow going getting started, probably because I am too depressed to move most days to get out and promote. I am having such a hard time, the hardest time in my life. I'm not suicidal, but it would be okay with me if God decided to take me home. I have so much love and compassion to give. I would love to be able to find a man again to share my life with. But again, too depressed to even think someone could be interested in me again. You are all in my thoughts and prayers, and I may be visiting here more often to listen and to talk, and offer comfort and support as much as I can. I'm great at taking care of everyone else, just not good at all at taking care of myself.

Comment by Steve Suehiro on July 3, 2015 at 10:22am

AnneJ:  Like you, all of us are struggling to make a new life out of the remains of our old lost lives.   What you said about finding it difficult to do this because you gave the best part of your soul to another who has vanished hits home for me.   My wife was the center of my universe, the sole reason I wanted to be a better person, my best and only friend who I chose above all others - even above my own family - the one entity in my life that I cared about more than anything or anyone else.  I liked who I was when I was with her.   Though I am still here doing my best to live without her, I not only mourn the loss of her from my life, but the death of who I was and who without her I will likely never be again.  That Steve is gone now, and he has left the stage in the dark in cold theater.

It would be quite easy and understandable if I were to become embittered, angry at the world around me, resentful when I see happy couples holding hands when I am so lonely.   I battle with this every day.   About a month after my wife died,  a family friend who meant well (I suppose)  told me that I should go out and start dating again, so that I wouldn't be lonely - as if this was a matter of buying a new goldfish to put in the bowl when the one you had goes belly up. I had to hold back from going off on him. 

But what you said about giving the gift to the customer service woman, about how did it for you as much as you did it for the happy couple, because you wanted to "blow air into that tiny Flame where Love is, somewhere inside" of you -  I think it is still inside us all somewhere.  For me perhaps it will never burn as brilliantly as it did for my wife, but that I still might have something inside that will allow me to do something to help someone and to care about someone else, be it just to help someone push their car into the gas station, or by opening a door for an old dude who has his hands full - these little things when I do them makes me feel a little better.

While I won't ever be who I was before my wife passed,  I intend to do the best I can to live in a manner which she would have approved of and would make her proud.  And losing all sense of love and hope would not have made her happy in any way.

Comment by Tildyc on July 2, 2015 at 10:51pm

The comments today really struck home for me this time. I mean I always find comfort and support on here but for some reason today, I felt like this time some of you were witnessing my life and personal thoughts and recording it here for everyone to read.

M morgan- "I read here daily and wonder if I should stop but then I also know this is the only place where I read about the same emotions I still have and I know they are real and they are not about to go away."

- I'm on here every day also. And I often worry that my constant lamenting might be annoying sometimes. Then I remind myself that I have no one else or any other outlet besides here. This is all I have.
And as far as these emotions never going away.... I realize that I will never be OK. I will never recover from this – ever. This IS my life now. I'm unable to escape it.

Bluebird- "I more often feel dull, flat, depressed, interspersed with times of horrific pain."
"But I never feel happy, I never feel at peace, I never feel hopeful, and I never will, while stuck in this life."

-You have put into words exactly how I feel...There is no such thing as happiness are being hopeful anymore. Those are completely unattainable emotions. And the dull, flat, depressed feeling is now my constant state. Except of course, when I have those overwhelming attacks of grief and gut wrenching pain and loss.


Trina- "Every morning when I open my eyes, my first thoughts are: this is another day that I will have to pass without the love of my life, Joseph is no longer here; I am condemned to spend the rest of my days in this sad, sorry manner."

I also begin every single day with tears. Not a morning has gone by that I haven't woke up and looked at his side of the empty bed and started yet another day of continuous mourning.


AnneJ- "Every other day I have a bad case of the Fuck Its. One day it's Fuck It, the next day it's Who Gives A Shit. Loop Loop Loop."
"I lost it night before last and started sobbing and crying out, "Where are you???? Where are you??? Please, please, please, please come back!!!" "Where are you???" and I raced from room to room, mad with grief and nightmarish understanding that my He would never, ever, be again."


I really cried when I read your last post. Your words are the exact words that I use – Where are you? Where did you go and please come back! I also beg him to please come get me. And that I would do that for him if he were the one left behind. I realize this makes no sense but in those moments that's exactly how I feel.

And the "Fuck it's" and "Who gives a shit?" That's who I am in a nutshell now. I use those phrases every day. Nothing in my life truly matters anymore. Everything seems so senseless without him here. I don't understand why I have to put in all this effort to keep living a life that I just don't want. Why do I have to keep living this nightmare? I want out.

Comment by bluebird on July 2, 2015 at 7:12pm

m morgan,

You're not the only one. My husband died nearly three years ago now, and life is as horrible for me now as it was then, only slightly less immediate.  The thing other people don't understand is this -- it will never change, at least not for me. My life is hell now because my husband is dead, and since he will never come back from death into this life, my life will always be hell.  Cause and effect.  Time neither erases the cause nor alters the effect. 

I don't understand why some people expect time to change anything. For me, at least, it doesn't make any of this any easier. I would say that the only change between the first year after my husband died and now is that I more often feel dull, flat, depressed, interspersed with times of horrific pain, rather than more often feeling horrific pain interspersed with times of feeling dull, flat and depressed. The ratio has changed a bit, that's all, and only because I have no choice but to function at least minimally in the world if I don't wish to become homeless. But I never feel happy, I never feel at peace, I never feel hopeful, and I never will, while stuck in this life.

You mentioned that your 37th wedding anniversary would have been July 4th, and I'm sure it is horrible not having your husband here to celebrate it with you, and also hearing people say to have a great holiday weekend and the like.  My husband's favorite holiday is the 4th of July, as he loves summer weather and he loves food.  So I just don't celebrate the 4th of July, just as I don't celebrate any other holidays anymore, either. And I know there is never enough time, but you truly are lucky/blessed to have had that many years with him.

I agree with you that part of this is about the nature of the relationship. My husband and I were and are very much in love, and that makes any separation like this absolute fucking torture. I've never minded spending some time alone, nor has he, but we prefer to be together as much as possible. People in unhappy relationships, or just not great relationships, would not be as affected by their partners death.  But my husband's death has devastated me, it has destroyed my life. There is literally nothing I want to do anymore. I constantly beg for my life to end.

I don't ask for courage to "accept this new reality as my new life".  In fact, I vehemently refuse to do so. This is not reality, as far as I'm concerned -- this is some sick, twisted version of hell, and I will never accept it.  My life ended when my husband's life ended, period. I'm not saying everyone (or anyone) else should be the same, but that's how it is for me. I am not the person I was; neither are you, none of us are (in my opinion).

 

 

Comment by morgan on July 2, 2015 at 6:23pm

I don't know what to do anymore.  I seem to be the only one here that is much further along in this journey at 2 and half years and I am still having many of the same problems with functioning as I had when my husband first died.  Right now I am having horrible waves.  Our 37th wedding anniversary would have been July 4th and everyone is saying "Have a great 4th" or "enjoy your weekend".  All it does is make me want to cry more and then I just crawl away and stay out of the public .  

I just don't know what to say to myself.  I think some people just never get through this.  I believe part of it is how "in love" we were.  Everyone's relationship is different and I know some people would find themselves enjoying being single, alone to do things they wanted to do.  I can't seem to find a single reason to want to be alone.  

I read here daily and wonder if I should stop but then I also know this is the only place where I read about the same emotions I still have and I know they are real and they are not about to go away.  I am able to function so much better than I used to but the gravity of the loss, the aloneness, the fact I have no one.  No one.  I just cannot get used to it.  He was ALWAYS there for me.  Always.  

Your last sentence Trina was quite profound.  "let me have the courage to accept this new reality as my new life."  I've tried so hard to have that happen.  I really truly have and yet I am still so incapacitated when a wave hits me and unfortunately I seem to not be able to go much longer than about a day and a half until I break.  Then depending on what the universe seems to be dishing out to me I can recover or I will keep breaking on and off for days before I get some reprieve. 

I begin to wonder if there is something wrong with me because I am not fitting in to the old mold of me.  But then I know why and I know I am just destined to have to live with this pain.  I guess its like having crippling arthritis or MS or some physical disease where the pain can be debilitating and then it will ease.

Not in a million years would I have thought this could have lasted this long nor still feel as I do but it is my reality.  This Saturday will be the third wedding anniversary I will try to get through without him while the nation is celebrating and being happy I am going to do my best.  When we chose that day we thought it would be fun, and it was.  Now, its sheer agony for me.  Time, chronos and kairos seem to be blending into one excruciating painful journey.  

Comment by Steve Suehiro on July 2, 2015 at 5:46pm

I can totally relate to what Trina said about time.  I lost my beloved on August 8, 2014 just a few days after she lost Joseph.  It's been a little short of 11 months for me as well, and some days it feels like it's been years, but at other times it feels like just a few weeks have passed.   And while I am no longer experiencing the same level of chronic pain that I had in months past, I do not believe that I will ever be at a place where I can ever move beyond feeling the massive  void that was left in my heart and soul that sadly has become my new normal.

I will do my best to live as well as possible without her in my life, but I won't ever forget her or stop missing her.  I am reminded on a daily basis how different my life is no without her.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 2, 2015 at 5:27pm

It will be 11 months on July 4^th that my beloved Joseph passed.  And a month later it will be exactly one year since that devastating event that changed my life irrevocably. I was reading a very good article about grief and time. The author talks about two different measures of time: chronos time that can be measured by clocks, the calendar and the passing of seasons, and kairos time, the inner time that each individual experiences in his/her unique way. So by chronos time Joseph will have been gone for almost a year, yet by kairos time, it seems to be like it was just the other day. I think you can all relate tis this very familiar feeling. Time goes on according to its own laws, but we have our own way of experiencing the passing of hours, days, months, and weeks.

For me, time moves in tiny, snail-like steps, excruciatingly slowly. Every morning when I open my eyes, my first thoughts are: this is another day that I will have to pass without the love of my life, Joseph is no longer here; I am condemned to spend the rest of my days in this sad, sorry manner.

Joseph was deprived of his life at 49, yet even though I have no desire to live any longer who knows, may be I have another 25-30 years left? This thought is so sobering and scary and it fills me with deep sorrow. Unless I take my own life, which I cannot do, I will have to live out my natural life and live like this, one sad day at a time, inconsolable in my loss, always longing, longing, and longing to be reunited with my darling Joseph, and praying for my early demise.

As some of you have said about your departed loved one, Joseph lives in me. Every moment of my waking hours I feel his presence, very strongly, inside me, next to me. My every thought, every action--big and small--every experience is colored by Joseph’s spirit. It’s no less stronger than it was when he was alive. Actually, it is stronger now, because in the past I wouldn’t think of him every time I did something; there were things that I did that were not connected to him. So in death Joseph has become an even more substantial part of me, guiding me, watching over me, sending me his love, letting me know that he is right next to me. These feelings and the wonderful memories that I have of my life together with him will have to sustain me for the rest of my life. Please, God, let me have the courage to accept this new reality as my new life.

Comment by Angela on July 2, 2015 at 11:52am

I so appreciate the expressions from within from all of you. It has bee 2 months since my husband died and there has been no reprieve, it feels worse as time goes on.
He was my friend, my confidant, the one I turned to for everything. We had so much love, respect and support for each other. I keep trying to close my eyes, and hope when I open them back up it was all just a nightmare. Well, it is a nightmare and a real one.
I have not yet picked up Tom's cremains. I don't think I am equipped to face that reality. Tildyc I relate to your excruciating pain.

Anne and Steve...I struggle with your conflicts with your in-laws. Sorry it has to be that way when you just need their support and comfort. For me, there are no in-laws left. He had no siblings, both parents and grandparents predeceased him. One aunt in personal care age 94...really no one. I long for his family. I loved the all dearly.
The emptiness, sadness and heartache are unbearable. I don't know how to find any relief or joy in my days. The burden is heavy.

Anne, I also get the friends thing. I relocated to his hometown after we married 25 years ago. All his friends were mine because of marriage. There are almost none to be found. It truly is sad.

Comment by George H on July 2, 2015 at 11:36am

Steve picture next to my comments is Mary's urn she was a singe we're musicians and I thought she would like that

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