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Comment by bluebird on July 4, 2015 at 10:23pm

I feel much the same as you do, m morgan, especially this: "And the worst part is I have no idea where he is or if he still exists in another place.  Is he waiting for me?  Is he content or suffering?  Is there more? "

Comment by morgan on July 4, 2015 at 8:37pm

So another day is closing down around me.  Another day in the string of many and the kind of relief I need is no closer than it was two and half years ago.  I've just gotten better at pretending to the outside world that somehow the fact that I shower more regularly and I cook a meal periodically means something more than it does.  

I knew my husband since second grade so in total our history goes back 56 years.  I knew what kind of child he was. Once we tied the know we lived fully, passionately and with utter commitment.  How do I do with less?

So I sit alone watching the celebrants who still live fully, passionately and with commitment sharing the emotion of having love embrace them.  Children embraced by their parents feeling love, husbands and wives walking together embraced by the knowledge they will share their love later in the privacy of their homes.  I am not jealous.  They deserve their love.  I just want mine again.  I want that feeling.  I want that love that we had. And there is no more for me.  Never again.  And the worst part is I have no idea where he is or if he still exists in another place.  Is he waiting for me?  Is he content or suffering?  Is there more?  

Too many questions, too few answers. 

And Trina, tempestuous was the perfect word.  I feel like I am part of that "perfect' storm".  

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 4, 2015 at 5:48pm

Thank you, Erin for your kind words. Hope you are well, whatever "well" means for the likes of us. Just making it through another day without a major breakdown is being "well" for me.

m morgan, I can find no words of support or sympathy to calm your tempestuous heart. I don't know what to say...

Comment by morgan on July 4, 2015 at 2:49pm

As I sit here in the sun opening a little vintage shop I have put together in my garage I am brutally reminded how alone I am.  I have been working towards this for quite awhile.  My sister who says she cares about me and lives four miles away has yet to call.  Of course she is having people over for the fourth and invited me too but why would I go?  So I can be around people who are celebrating? It's bad enough that today is the day I would be celebrating 37 years of marriage to the love of my life.  Instead he is dead and I am trying my best to live through another excruciating day of missing him.  

What is this for?  Why do I keep trying?  Why don't I just end it? Why don't I have the courage to do it?  I'm certainly sick enough of what I have been living to do so so why don't I?  

This is so futile.  Life goes on around me and I try to participate but all I can think about is my love.  And then I have to try and be pleasant and stop myself from screaming out how much pain is involved in losing the one thing that meant anything to me.  How am I supposed to do this?  Why?  

I cant keep living alone like this and constantly remembering him.  I have no idea whether there is a pill that would make this emotional bomb I carry around inside of me defuse but something better happen soon because I cannot keep pretending this is a life.  

I read how some of you are volunteering (or plan to).  I have done it in the past but I am too exhausted and simply no longer have the motivation to do it.  It is pretty much everything I can do to get through the days and eat, shower and try to figure out how to make money to pay my bills.  I know my husband would never wish this for me and I am just as disappointed in myself that I cant seem to do better than I am but the keyword is "heartbroken".  I just don't know of any tools that will remove this sorrow short of him reviving from the dead and we all know that is not going to happen.  So I need to make a decision.  How long am I going to keep living this charade?  So far I have lived it as an apparition of my former self.  I don't want to live it without him.  He was too much a part of me.  

Does this sound serious? It's only serious if I muster up the courage and that seems to be the obstacle.  I just cant seem to take the pills. I want to but they sit there in reserve.  

Besides that, I am not sure what the whole discussion is about how everyone would be so upset if I did.  I mean, i did mention my sister who lives four miles away has yet to call to see how I am doing on my anniversary right?  She is tired of it all.  The only person who would have been destroyed if I did it would have been my husband which is why we suffer from the intention when it is our spouse but when it is within a family or circle of friends who are fair-weather and are going on with their own lives it would be a temporary upset. For me this pain is going on and on and on.  Living with this even with having it be less intense and less frequent when the intense breakdowns do come, the worst part is what I call the shadow.  He is never further away than a thought.  My thoughts revolve around his shadow.  And the thoughts are constant. So his essence is still as much a presence as if he was with me physically and yet I need that physical presence.  There is no pill, no substitute nothing that will bring his light into my own physical life. So I ask again.  Why? Why am I bothering? Why does my mind refuse to allow me to take the steps to unchain me from this hell on earth? Certainly it cant be any worse?

Comment by Erin on July 4, 2015 at 4:15am

Trina
You are doing a beautiful thing and I am sure he very proud of you.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 4, 2015 at 3:30am

As I remember August 4th last year, I cannot but feel admiration for Joseph. During the nine months of treatment following his terminal diagnosis, he had about 50-60 encounters with health care professionals, and every time Joseph was very courteous and affable with the staff. So many of them commented what an exceptional cancer patient he was, treating everyone around him with kindness, even when his pain was off the charts.

The night before Joseph passed, in answer to my question to how I go on living for 20-30 years after he is gone, he told me to live for the good works and for my family. So for me personally, it is very important to be of service to others. I am in no way suggesting that that's how it should be. As noted here, we are all different people and we have unique and individual ways of trying to cope with our irreparable loss and deep sorrow. There is no right or wrong way to cope with our loss; we do what works best for each of us. For me, trying to live up to what Joseph wanted me to do brings some purpose to my sad life.

Joseph received our university's Excellence in Teaching Award a few months before his death; I donated the money from the award and established a scholarship fund in honor of his memory. Many of our students, friends, colleagues, and family members helped the scholarship to be endowed. The first recipient of the scholarship will be this coming fall. I hope Joseph is looking down and is pleased with the progress of his memorial fund. Rest in peace, my darling; I will join you when my time comes.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 4, 2015 at 3:11am

m morgan,

It's almost midnight in AK and so it's 4th of July for the rest of the country. Your anniversary is today. I sincerely hope that you can make it through the day without a major breakdown. Please know that I will be thinking of you and sending you vibes of peace and forbearance.

Our anniversary is December 21--Winter Solstice--as we got married in Alaska, we thought it a great day to choose. I spent the whole day on our anniversary hiding under the covers. I was staying at my sister's house and my nephew had just gotten married and they had a houseful of guests on that day. It was excruciatingly painful, needless to say. 

The lives of the members here are in shambles because the one person in this whole wide world who was our raison d'être is no more, life has very little meaning (I have four siblings who would be devastated if I were to die today, so I have some semblance of meaning for their sake), everyday is a struggle, full of tears and sorrow with no respite in sight. There will be no respite for me like many of us here until the day I die. So my heart goes out to you (also 4th July is 11 months since my beloved Joseph took his last breath) as you remember your wedding day. May the beautiful and happy memories of that day bring you some relief, even if it's miniscule. Best regards.

Comment by Tildyc on July 3, 2015 at 3:58pm

Watching the weather channel- looks like its going to be very warm for the 4rth. Its so easy to be whisked back to a time when my life was so very happy and my world was completely untouched and pristine from this loss and pain. I look back at how I felt and I long to be happy again. I yearn for those days. Holidays now are depressing and just another way of amplifying the sadness and the feelings of loss of an already deflated and broken life.

And I want to mention that I do quite a bit of volunteer work in my community and I try and be altruistic as much as I'm able. I'm not going to get into all of it because I'm not wanting to sound like I am being defensive or making excuses. I truly do find ways to make others happy due to my nature. It is a trait I learned from my dear sweet mom.

But here's the thing – being of service to others no longer brings to me those feelings of joy anymore. I know that sounds terribly self-centered perhaps. And I am ashamed of it. But I have no control over how I feel anymore. I can put on a good front for others to avoid any problems or judgments but- It's extremely deflating and depressing to not be able to find anything that used to bring me so much happiness. Losing Mark destroyed me- I'm afraid that my little flame of happiness was completely extinguished when he left and I found myself in this world that is nothing but darkness and with very little "soul sustaining oxygen."

Comment by Betsy Arnold on July 3, 2015 at 3:32pm

John, You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad that this counselor may be able to help you. It does help to talk to someone. Almost every time I do, though, I also get the sad faces looking back at me. You're right, it isn't easy to reach out to someone for help. I feel like I'm a burden on people.  I'm stuck in what now feels like quicksand. It sounds like we all need to keep talking to each other, too. Even after almost 6 years without my husband, and now almost a year without my Mom, I still miss the life I had with them. They were my world. I know they would want me to go on, and I know Dale would even want me to find another man and be happy. I would honestly love to do that, and have tried dating sites, but I just don't know if I can trust someone like that again. I've had enough hurt and pain from supposed friends and even family since my husband died, and since my Mom died.

Comment by Betsy Arnold on July 3, 2015 at 3:21pm

I am reading all of the posts here, and you all express things so well. I used to be able to express myself much better, but in the last few months, it seems like the chaos has taken over my brain and heart so much, the chaos of trying to figure out how to take care of myself financially without losing everything. I would much rather be taking care of others any day. I definitely don't want to focus on my own issues at all. I guess that's the problem. I've been trying to escape in any way I can. Music has always been a great escape for me, which is why I really felt like I would have been a good music therapist, because helping others through the use of music has really helped me in the past, too. Giving is getting back. Just like taking care of people; the rewards far outweigh the burden. That's what I always said in taking care of my husband for the 18 years of our marriage and then taking care of my Mom. M, you are right about professional people wanting to fix us having no clue. I've done personal and professional and pastoral counseling, both for grieving and personal issues. The only real answer is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but honestly, I'm so exhausted from grieving and having to do everything on my own. I don't even know how to do anything on my own anymore, but here I am doing it. I need people in my life who get it. I'm tired on so many levels.

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