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Comment by nicole irving on August 3, 2015 at 3:46am

that is going to be a very difficult thing to do Trina, half of mikes ashes are going to new zealand to his mum, its nice but also breaking my heart

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 3, 2015 at 2:26am

It'll be one year on August 4th that Joseph left this world. I don't know how I passed this unbelievably cruel and heartrending year. I think unless something is physically wrong with your body, no matter what unspeakable mental and emotional anguish you experience, there is no death. The body can endure an amazing amount of punishing emotional pain and suffering. Like so many of you on this forum, I have cried rivers of tears, have been living through inhuman mental torment, yet I go on living. My life has been reduced to nothing, no joy, only tears, loneliness, longing for Joseph and daily prayers for my imminent death. Is this going to be the rest of my life? The 25-30 years that I have left? What cruelty! What injustice.

I am flying to Ithaca, New York on the 3rd with a small jar of Joseph's ashes that I will bury in a park in Ithaca, Joseph's birthplace. There will be 18 of us honoring Joseph's wonderful memory and celebrating his beautiful life.

Joseph's life was full of poetry and literary flourishes, and in death too his story has a literary flourish. Like the ancient Greek hero of Homer, Odysseus, Joseph wanted to return to his birthplace Ithaca to be buried. Only in Odysseus' case, he was able to make it back to his beloved Ithaca after a 20-year-long voyage. In Joseph's case, I, his widow, will carry his ashes there to be laid to final rest.

I cannot even begin to imagine how emotionally charged the gathering will be. Maybe it will be cathartic? I don't know. I only know that I am fulfilling Joseph's last wishes. Until we meet again in the next life, I will wait; there is nothing else I can do.

Comment by Tildyc on August 2, 2015 at 6:00pm

"Ubfixable" and "Unbearable" - that's it in a nutshell Nancy.

I will never be whole again. Broken, sad and wanting nothing more than to just die. What a way to to have to spend the next 25-35 yrs.

Comment by Nancy on August 2, 2015 at 12:13am

It's 1:08am and I'm still awake. The wave has hit me tonight and I find everyone's grief comforting on here. That I'm not alone.
Trying to function today was challenging. The 2 yo was challenging. Trying to be pleasant and entertain him was virtually impossible, I suspect his bad mood was triggered by mine. Couldn't barely get out of bed, and then moved to the couch and did very little. Knew a big sob session was coming, as yesterday I cleaned out some of the 2 yo's baby clothes... Which wouldn't be a big deal, but I remember Will putting our kid in those clothes, and it's yet One. More. Reminder. that I'm on this path alone now. And that it sucks. And that it will continue to suck for just about ever. We are separated by time, and it is unfixable and unbearable.

Comment by rachel_micele on August 1, 2015 at 6:30pm

John T's comment - "This isn't like a nightmare anymore. It's just nothing."

That hit me. While the suicidal pain, as I wrote about in my latest blog, has seemed to dissipate during the last week or so, the last couple days I have felt something of a deep somber drizzled with soberness.

I also remember something else you posted John in mid July that stood out to me, "I wanted to scream at them [people going on with their lives as if nothing happened] and make them realize that something profound, something incredibly terrible had taken place."

I still can't believe my profound, incredibly terrible event happened. This is serious. This is a really big fucking deal.

A couple days this week that I wasn't working I purposely kept myself alone from everything/one the entire day. One day was in the motel; the other at my parents house. The particular day at my parents they were gone by the time I had gotten up. So other than the 2 cats meandering around, the house was completely still. I just sat, looking. The stairs that at times occupy movement, the pictures on the walls portraying a single moment in past time, the furniture that gets used, the furniture that rarely gets used … the stillness was deadening and deafening. Other than the cats, nowhere a current sign of true life. Just nothingness. A couple weeks ago while driving and noticing how green the trees and cornfields are, I felt nothing of connection, other than I was looking at a painting from the twilight zone.

I may be somewhat out of the nightmare, may be having a slight deepening of the realization it actually happened. I don't know. I'm still obliterated. Still not okay. “It's just nothing”.

Thank you John.

Comment by bluebird on August 1, 2015 at 6:10pm

I agree, John T.  It is like being in another dimension, a hellish dimension that other people don't see.

Comment by Tildyc on August 1, 2015 at 4:29pm

Day after day- after day-after day..................... All empty, useless, meaningless and sorrow ladened. The only escape would be the breaking of these chains, that hold me to this hell, so that I can be free to go to him. That- I've come to realize, is the only answer for me.

Comment by nicole irving on August 1, 2015 at 2:59am

i am meant to be organising our wedding :(

Comment by nicole irving on August 1, 2015 at 2:57am

hugs to all, as all are hurting beyond compare, i am about to sit and go through another saturday night alone, no mike to be by my side. but it doesnt matter if its sat, sun, mon, or the rest of the week, morning ,arvo or night, the pain doesnt go, it leaves me feeling tired, emotionally drained, i hope these next 30-40yrs travel fast so i can be by his side once again. went for tea thurs night with my family, felt alone and guilty for going without him. didnt enjoy it at all, would be more than happy staying home alone. i miss him, why did this happen, i just dont understand, we are good people and our life together had only just begun. why am i widow at 39yrs, i am not meant to be organising, funerals and estate etc for the love of my life at this age, i was meant to do that when i was 80. i lost everything in one split second.

Comment by Tildyc on July 31, 2015 at 2:18pm

- completely misunderstood. But I do not even care about that really. I actually could give a shit anymore about nearly anything, anymore. I know that sounds quite negative but this is where I'm at. Nothing else seems to truly matter- it all seems so insignificant now. I just need to be reunited with him and THAT seems to be the only answer to my bottomless pain and suffering. Only then will I be free.

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