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Comment by Nancy on August 18, 2015 at 8:56pm

I think I'm getting worse rather than better. I've been listening to my internal dialog lately, and it runs something like this:
My 2 yo is so cute!
My husband is dead.
My dog is so sweet.
I wonder how much longer he will live before he goes to be with Will.
I had a good day at work!
But my husband is gone.

Over and over. I'm like a record on repeat. The end result to everything that is good in my life is... My life was so good. I miss my husband. I miss my old life. I miss having my companion next to me supporting me.
I have to go to a funeral on Friday for another friend taken too early by stupid cancer. I don't know how I'll hold up.

Comment by Angela on August 16, 2015 at 11:49pm

I am tired of being responsible for everything. Selling a house, getting one kid to college, being given power of attorney of my husbands aunt....then all the crazy stuff that goes along with it....packing up the other house that is being sold, rearranging stuff to store items not needed for immediate use. Paying bills, getting the car repaired,working full time, cooking, cleaning, laundry....Tom and I shared those responsibilities. Now it's all on me. It's coming up on 4 months since he died. I, too, like most of you here feel empty, lonely, disconnected from the life I knew. Dreams shattered, plans cancelled. I miss his kisses and hugs.
So, my husband's friend's wife wanted to meet up for dinner. It was a nice visit until near the end. She was telling me how her husband is so distraught over Tom's death. When Tom died, this friend came to the house so I would not face this alone. The police were there and would not let me upstairs to see him. So my friend went up and suggested I not see him because some time had passed and it would be better to wait until the funeral home fixed. Him up. Well, tonight, his wife told me her husband was having flashbacks of seeing my husband dead. If that wasn't enough, she said he was found in an "unnatural position." What the hell does that mean?? I imagined him collapsed to the floor, quickly, lying face down head to the side. So, I questioned her as to what she meant by unnatural??? She struggled to go any further, but said it just was not a normal position one would be in. After I left her I totally lost it. I felt so bad that my husband may have hurt himself as he collapsed and visions of him with a leg or arm twisted or something. It's not the peaceful quick pass out and drop that I envisioned for my own peace of mine. Her telling me that made me think his collapse was more violent and painful then my imagination. I so wish she did not say that to me. It really has me freaking out. i can't shut out the thoughts in my head. I hate these thoughts.
I can relate to feeling meaningless....he was my world and I was his. My world is surreal...familiar yet not the same. I can barely think ahead an hour or two, let alone a few days or month. I can't remember things, I have to write everything down and then I lose the paper I wrote on. It's kind of like losing a limb, you know it is gone but you still feel it's there.i keep trying to function like he is still here and get angry and frustrated because he is not here.
That's enough for now I guess. I keep all of you in my thoughts.

Comment by Tildyc on August 16, 2015 at 10:29pm

Hi guys. I'm just checking in. I don't have the words anymore to express the depth of my depression and hopelessness. I just continue to go deeper and deeper into this darkness. I seriously do not know what to do.

Comment by Nancy on August 14, 2015 at 9:38pm

Facebook decided to "share a memory" with me today, but it was the post where I told everyone that Will's treatments weren't working. That was a great way to start my day. It was the beginning of the end and I knew it. 7 months later he was gone.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on August 11, 2015 at 10:49pm

Hello All,

I came back from NY after marking Joseph's first year of passing. Twenty of us gathered in a state park and reminisced about Joseph and celebrated his life. It was very moving and powerful. Coming back home has been very tough. The ceremony was a huge comfort, but the feeling didn't last for more than a couple of days. I think I was hoping to see some change in my state of mind after the one year mark and after the ceremony. But no such luck. The loneliness is of a totally different order. As rachel says, it's beyond loneliness, it's the feeling of meaninglessness that so hard. There's very little that matters anymore. It's looking into the future and seeing all those years of emptiness and longing. No matter how loving or kind my relatives are, nobody and nothing can replace Joseph. He is/was my life, my joy, and my reason for being; now I only have years and years of living life in a grey world devoid of joy and happiness. Joseph, how long do I have to wait to be reunited with you?

Sending all of you vibes of sympathy and wishes for peace. 

Comment by rachel_micele on August 11, 2015 at 7:03pm

And I guess for me I'm not sure it's as much the loneliness that gets me. It's this empty, hollow, completely meaningless, obliterated existence that I am beyond broken and lost in.

Comment by rachel_micele on August 11, 2015 at 6:44pm

Hi George. I'm glad to see your post and that you're still here. You're our gem. Yes, AnneJ's comment of that has stuck with me. I'm sorry to hear such trouble with loneliness. Some of us were talking about that last wk on Jimbo's post, just in case you missed it. We're all here for you. Sending good vibes your way. 

Comment by George H on August 11, 2015 at 6:03pm

Hello everyone just wanted to let you know I'm still here I follow you all I just haven't posted in a while right now I'm having way too much trouble dealing with the loneliness so I really haven't had much that I can say but just wanted you all to know that I was thinking about you

Comment by Nancy on August 10, 2015 at 8:56pm

It is terrible. We relive the final moments over and over. I'm finding that the good moments are starting to fade already. It sucks. And it sucks every time I remember, and every time I need a helping hand, and every time I need someone to watch the kid for 5 fucking seconds so i can do something else. And it's just me again. And I get mad, and I cry, and I'll watch some tv show and they'll throw in some grieving person, and I'm crying again. Over and over. Groundhog Day on some nightmarish repeat cycle.

Comment by rachel_micele on August 9, 2015 at 11:47pm

Today was the first session for the bereavement group. On the drive there I just couldn't believe I was going to this. This was NOT supposed to be my life ... !

I joined this site May 16th, almost 3 months ago. Getting to know those of you on here is bringing me some small comfort tonight as the emotional aftermath of the group session has me feeling disoriented. Thank you everyone for investing and being a part of this site, sharing your story and continual feelings. The tears flow easily the moment I look at Gary's picture sitting next to me and think of how empty and hollow my world is without him. The love of my life. So cliche but so true. How he meant fucking everything to me. In every plan, in every scene of my future, a part of every "someday" that I will never have. I love(d) him so damn much.  

I just cannot mentally grasp how this degree of emotional heartbreak and pain is even humanly possible ...

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