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Comment by morgan on September 6, 2015 at 8:08pm

John, 

How can I say in words how sorry I am that you have come to this point in your journey without Diane and are still flailing around trying to make sense of this agony.  I am so so sorry.  

I too, keep thinking this is somehow going to change.  Change to the point where everyday is not a struggle.  All I can say is it becomes a different kind of struggle as time goes on.  For me the first year and half the struggle was constant, waves of meltdowns precipitated by anything and everything.  Exhausting what little energy I had.  Raw primal crying.  Surreal.  By the two year mark I was emerging a tiny bit from the shell I had created but not by much but I was thinking I might be able to manage better.  Since I hit the  two and half year mark I function better to the outside world but inside I am mentally broken and the shadow of my beloved's death looms just as large as it did the day he died.  Today in the supermarket I saw a young couple shopping together and ended up against a wall bawling my eyes out.  Fifteen minutes later after trying to compose myself they were in front of me in the checkout lane and he put his hand on her back in a loving gesture like my husband would.  That's all it took.  The poor checkout woman.  She had no idea what to do with me.  I stumbled my way out and went nuclear in the car. 

I think I am getting closer to the day I won't take this anymore.  I seriously believed my intellectual self could bring me to a place of some kind of acceptance.  I'm not doing it. I cannot seem to grasp what my future holds.  I've tried.  Really hard.  I was so in love with that man.  

Right now I am resting again from the meltdown and I had also tried to do a local swap meet the last two days and made little to nothing for a lot of work and energy expended.  I just can't seem to find any real reason to keep up this pretension of "living".   I keep thinking I am going to get over the hump and then "BAM". Today was just another reminder of what you so exquisitely said, "reality just doesn't exist anymore."

morgan

Comment by Nancy on September 3, 2015 at 9:28pm

I try so hard to remember the good days and the good moments so I won't forget them, but inevitably they morph into the last days for him, and of course the image of him dead in the little hospital bed in our bonus room. Some images you wish you could unsee. I miss him every second, he was the light in my days.

Comment by nicole irving on September 3, 2015 at 7:43pm

feeling absolutely heart broken, miss mike so much, i cant be bothered doing anything, feel like just going back to bed and rolling up in a ball, but i know i cant, i have responsibilities. fathers day is in 2 days, my brother took a trip to nz for work and mikes brother took some of the spreadable ashes to nz for his mum. think everything is just getting on top of me. i have no idea how we are going to survive financially, i want him by my side still, i want to talk to him, to hug him, to hold him, i want to rewind our life. life isnt fair why did this happen, why couldnt god just let us be happy. why take him from us, i just want him to come home, how are we meant to go on and live life after this has happened. have to try and pull my self together in the next couple of hours so i can go to work. please lord let him come back to me .

Comment by Sammie on September 3, 2015 at 9:25am

Thanks Rachel. I'm sorry for your loss. I know it gets worse I feel it every day I know it's been only 8 weeks but I have 15 weeks today since he had the aneurysm .thanks for your advice I try to cope with this will see ...hugs

Comment by Tildyc on September 3, 2015 at 1:49am

There are a multitude of bad moments in a day and so many painful triggers. Since I've woke- I've been struggling to distract myself from the pain- to try and keep it at bay. But this futile battle- I will never win.
It's been yet another lonely, hollow and love-less day. And this grief is a merciless and cruel master. Exhausted from this never ending fight, I must go to bed... Our bed. It's so damn cold now, our bed, and without comfort. It use to be so warm and safe. Now it's my crying room. A sad and scary place of lost love and a destroyed soul. I thoroughly dread it.

I need the life sustaining touch of his arms pulling me close and snuggling in. Inducing the deepest sense of joy and peace I've ever experienced. To have the freeing feeling that we are together and our future (although not perfect) would be shared with one another. To never have to endure this complete and utter isolation and to suffer all these years alone........ without him.

Comment by rachel_micele on September 2, 2015 at 10:00pm

Hello Sammie,

"but every day is so very difficult since then and everybody is telling me that I'm getting worst". How sorry I am to say that, yes, it will get worse before it gets better. I'm just under 6 months into this nightmare and I feel like shock is just beginning to wear off and I'm looking at the devastating mess, like a massive, horrific plane crash, in front of me asking, what happened? My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years died sudden and unexpectedly of cardiac arrest. Collapsed and gone. He was finally the one. I'm 35, he was 46, and every scene and someday of my future had him/us in it.

I've done and continue to do so much working to cope with my life and future being obliterated. From what I read and am told, you'd be lucky if you come out the other side of this in less than a year. Not only is there the incomprehendable processing to do, the ghostly existence to come back from, it's the year of firsts for everything without them. And that's just skimming the surface.

What I can tell you for advice, be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, nurture yourself. This wound is just as real as anything drastically physical. There will be those who can't understand/give you well meaning advice but are so far off it only makes you feel worse. You may need to isolate from them and that's okay. Surround yourself with those who can understand or relate, talk to counselors, whatever helps you survive because that's all it's about so early in grief.

It is pure hell, a living hell, and I'm still trying to believe it actually happened. As others have said, you will find good people on here. 

Hugs

Comment by Sammie on September 2, 2015 at 7:48pm

First I want to thank everyone for your support and I'm sorry for your losses . I know everybody here deals with this pain so I find a little comfort reading your advise . I know we are all suffering so I guess how we deal with it it's different but it's always good to talk with somebody who shares the same pain and understands you.i have a difficult time every Wednesday because Sorin died 8 weeks ago ...but every day is so very difficult since then and everybody is telling me that I'm getting worst..maybe but by this point I don't really care how I am..

Comment by nicole irving on September 2, 2015 at 7:10pm

hi Sammie, i am sorry to hear about your loss, my fiancee passed away on the 18th of may from 1 major heart attack, we had no idea he was sick. you will find the people on this site are wonderful, they do truely understand how you are feeling and its comforting to know that we are not the only ones going through it, we are not going in sane and everything we think and feel are normal. i find the people around me as much as they love and try to support me, just dont know what to say or how to deal with me and my emotions. thinking of you, nicole

Comment by bluebird on September 2, 2015 at 5:36pm

Sammie,
All of us here have some understanding if hiw you feel, as we are in similar positions. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Comment by Sammie on September 2, 2015 at 4:00pm

Thank you John

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