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Comment by Tildyc on October 21, 2015 at 1:00am

I've tried (am still trying) to find an escape- if only temporary sometimes. Some how, some way....

This pain and the constant reminder that I will never be with him again- that I am now forever alone..., that I will never be whole... It leads me to understand that there is no true escape.

And to be truthful, I am not that strong. This is something I cannot do. To try and live my life without him. I will continue searching for something to relieve this pain. Whatever it may be. Not proud of some of it ... But this pain and despair is eating my soul. I already know that I will not truly be at peace until the day we are finally together. And the only answer is to die.... It just is. I did not make these stupid rules. But I am absolutely bound to them. There is no other way to find him but to pass on.

And honestly- there's a chance that it may
not be the the truth when we get there later. There is no way of knowing for sure. But I believe at some point I most likely will be compelled to find a way out of this pointless life I'm forced to endure.

Ok- classic rambling thru tears. I apologize for that. Try and sleep tonight. Take care..

Comment by morgan on October 21, 2015 at 12:58am

Angela, I am so glad it wasn't a miscommunication.  And I do understand how those two opposing forces work only mine is just a tad different.  Because without children I don't have anything really to have to worry about or live for so in that way I could do what you have said which is "you probably wouldn't be here".  Unfortunately that is the struggle I have which is even though I don't have that responsibility/committment to others and I can say I don't want to be here (because really, why?) but taking one's life has all of some of those same conflicting emotions that you struggle with only based on different reasoning.  How to do it?  Can I get the means necessary to do it?  Will I have the courage to do it when I do?  And then the big one, if I do have I made a decision that for some reason eliminates the "possibility" that I will be rejoined with my husband.  So for different reasons I end up with you and Anne and Tildyc Nicole, George John Trina Tom Suzy Sam and all the others whose names we don't even know yet but we walk this same damn path along a constant set of unknowns.  Here we are.  Not one of us wants to be here and yet we come together because we do find some solace in the shared anguish.  

It actually scares me that I can write about this sometimes and be comforted and other times I am like a raving lunatic, inconsolable. I have not had to ride a roller coaster like this……ever.  Nothing was easy but the shared seat with my husband was all that I guess I needed.  Now, like you said broke, disconnected, yearning, and Anne, like you said climbing that granite mountain with no summit.  Our analogies are profound, our perspectives deep.  And in the interim while we are dealing with all of this, it is (I believe), wreaking havoc on our insides.  Literally, physically.  How long we can last against such tide is anyones guess.  It would be just so much easier if we could turn the spigot off.  Yea, right.  Fat chance.

Comment by Angela on October 20, 2015 at 10:33pm

No, Morgan, you did not upset me.. It's just different that I have kids and you do not....I love my boys and know I have to continue on for them. I was trying to just convey that my struggle is entangled between wishing for it all to end vs. pushing through for my kids and others that depend on me. If it were just me alone, no kids, or family that depend on me...I probably wouldn't be here. I was just describing what you could not imagine. It's a tug of war of of emotions and thoughts....for me to have those really dark, hopeless, wishing I were dead too moments to I need to be there for my children(even though they are adults now). They can't lose both their parents....it's quite tiring...2 opposite forces, and looking at it, it takes so much more energy to battle the conflicting thoughts and feelings. It's just additional chaos to my already mangled life I have...alone in so many ways,because as we all know so well, losing your spouse, soulmate, best friend,leaves a hole, a brokenness, a disconnection, yearining, loneliness within that can't be filled, changed or replaced by anything or anyone.

Comment by morgan on October 20, 2015 at 10:15pm

Angela,  I hope I didn't write something that upset you.  When I said I was lucky I didn't have kids I was just trying to say how hard it must be to have to balance that on top of the grief for those who do.  I simply cannot imagine how you are doing it.  Aspergers, financial affairs on top of just trying to function?  I am so confused about my own life much less having to manage others affairs.  I wish somehow it was easier. 

When you talk about having to push through and then when it all quiets down after a day and you go to that place of despair and aloneness it seems to be the one of the things that doesn't change much.  It lessens it just never goes away.  For me it's still everyday, every moment of the day his essence colors everything.  I live with his being there in my head all the time. All the time.  

And I couldn't agree more about why when I see people who could care less about each other still having time to live it out.  I know that even given 35 years and you having had 25 and many others who just loved their spouse more than life itself it wouldn't have mattered if we had 50 years.  We never want to give them up to death.  There never would have been enough time to have that love.  

Comment by nicole irving on October 20, 2015 at 9:59pm

Angela, everything you wrote, could be taken as if i had written it myself, my thoughts, my life etc etc. not sure what else i can say other than, i understand exactly what is going on with you and your family. i have a 10yr old boy and 19yr old girl, and sadly we werent together as long as you were, i wish that we had been, wish that we had had more time, i look around at all the lazy people the people that are selfish, the drug addicts, the violent or spuses that treat their partners like shit, and i have known more than my fair share of them and i ask, why take mike, why take the one man that treated me like a princess, and loved me and my family unconditionally, someone that worked so hard to provide for his family, someone that would help any person or animal if h possibly could ( even if he couldnt) why take my mike, my best friend, my dream come true, my soulmate

Comment by Angela on October 20, 2015 at 8:59pm

Morgan, you mentioned " luckily I don't have kids".... Well, I do have kids, 2 boys. A 22 y/o that lives with me, he has Asperger's and rarely leaves the house and I have. 19 y/o as a Freshman in college. I so just want to collapse and sink. I want to remove myself from the responsibility. I am so overwhelmed with everything. I work full time...I don't know how I have been able to work...it's challenging to stay focused for any meaningful amounts of time. I take care of our home and all the issues that go along with it. We have a second house that we were going to move into together...but all of that dream has been shattered. I am trying to sell it now. I had to take over power of attorney for his aunt and deal with the aunts house and finances...she is is a care home. It's just one big tangled heap of crap to manage. If it were just me...no kids or people to have to take care of....then my existence wouldn't matter. I have to push and survive through all this. Alone. Part of me is angry, then I am tired, then I am super woman doing it all. When my house is quiet and I am alone, I sink deep into that place of despair and loneliness. I get resentful that I have to do it all....my husband and I shared all the responsibility. It was a good balance. We took time for us away from t he kids and stress. We were good for each other. so not fair he is gone so suddenly.

Tildyc, our anniversary is next month. 26 years...we didn't quite make it. On our 25th anniversary last year, we wished for 25 more...not too many married people wish for that....I hate when people say how lucky I was to have had the relationship I had with Tom. To have had the love, fun and life we had. I agree, but when people say that in response to my grief, it doesn't help. Why let the good ones die? Why not the abusers, manipulator or the disrespectful and cheating ones? Why rip apart the relationships that are good and working?

Comment by nicole irving on October 20, 2015 at 4:02pm

i cant imagine how you feel Tildyc, but i will find out in a couple of months, mike was meant to be turning 50 on the 6th of dec.

Comment by morgan on October 20, 2015 at 3:25pm

Oh Tildyc,  when does it end?  When does the hurt, the loss, the pain of carrying this inside of us stop beating the crap out of us.  I don't know.  We can go for a little bit and then-bam! I know there are portions of it that become less of a struggle but why isn't he here for his 51st birthday.  How cruel.  How unfair.  Gone way too soon.  

I wish there was any thing I could say that might make your day in any way better remembering how you spent your time with him on previous birthdays but I know all you want is to have him on this day. What would have been this birthday.  So so sorry.  

Maybe he is spending his day fishing on one of the best rivers in the universe, one we haven't seen.  Maybe he will send you a little sign.  I had just about given up on the whole sign thing for quite awhile now and then just in the last couple days something happened that I want to believe is him.  It takes a ton of searching and awareness to interpret something as a possible sign as so much of it seems so rote but keep looking.  Maybe in a small glimmer he will throw a light your way.  

The disappearance of our love--- poof --- is a hard place to go to.  It's unexplainable.  There is a desperateness about it that all we want is a little tiny answer.  Is that so damn much to ask?  I guess it is.  So look for that little glimmer.  I will hope in your pain you can find a little relief.  Even a little.  The best we can do is know we are one day closer to being with them again.  Pretty meager consolation but it's the best I can do.  

Comment by Tildyc on October 20, 2015 at 4:01am

Today would've been his 51st birthday. We are suppose to be together but- I don't even know where he is anymore. He's just gone. All that life and love gone- nowhere. Fucking poof! And here I sit confused, traumatized and diminished. Alone. I can't find where he has disappeared to. How heartbreaking and cruel.

Comment by morgan on October 18, 2015 at 12:07pm

Ok, so Alice and Nicole have climbed into my mind and explained exactly the process.  What is going on?  Nicole you are doing the same thing I did.  I was manic.  Still am.  I packed up and sold by myself (no agent) our home of 35 years of life and love into a container and then took another truck and moved 1500 miles within 7 months of his death.  Had to.  Couldn't afford to keep it.  Would have wiped me out.  Then proceeded in the next year to remodel two homes pretty much from scratch (auction buys) to a finished product.  Helped that I  had done this before and my career was in interiors but it took everything in me to get up everyday and deal with it.  Yes, I do some of the manual labor myself, painting, tile demo etc as well as the design decisions.  But during that whole time I was like you.  I would go into one of the delapidated rooms and just bawl my eyes out and then go back out and try and work with the guys.  Luckily I didn't have kids and I cannot even imagine how hard that must be.  Constantly conflicted about wanting to end it all and then having to know you cant because you have the children to care for.  How hard that must be.  Then I fell off a ten foot ladder and pretty much realized how alone I was.  

Since then part of reality gobsmacked me around a bit and I have tried to do a bit less physically but I still force and push myself through a day fighting going in the hole while looking on the outside to others as though I am progressing towards healing.  Yep, Jekyl & Hyde all rolled into one.  

And yes Alice, no gradation from one state to another.  Now I can pretty much feel it coming where before it just came constantly but it is way different.  Savage murder would be fine.  Anything would be fine just get me out of here.  I cant stand another day of this living without him.  His absence has now taken up residence as a presence and it is driving me insane.  The last two days the stuttering appears out of nowhere whereas before it would be associated only with when I was crying badly.  I cant measure it because now I have no one to talk to for most of a day so I cant tell why it is now snapping like this.

Every freakin day it's like I go off the rails.  And I keep trying so hard (minus any meds which I wont take) to reconstruct. I am now going to have a cup of tea and see if I can do something in this day.

thank you thank you thank you to each of you who come to write.  It is the panacea that provides me with the assurance that I am not crazy mentally but so lost in the surreal thing they call death.  Wow, rambling much????  I don't dare reread this……..

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