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Comment by morgan on November 17, 2015 at 2:15am

How can he be dead?  How can he be gone? How am I supposed to continue living?  I don’t want to do this anymore.   I want to touch him.  Wrap him in my arms and hold him.   Touch his lips to mine and feel the fire. 

This is not right.  I do not belong here. 

The crying has finally lessened.  I can go a full two days before the cork blows.  But when it does, I find myself having to start over again.  When each morning comes I still have to find a way to open my eyes when all I want is to have them never open again. 

Two years and nine months of this….  to move from the point of desperation to this newer attitude I now have.   A hatred I now live with.  A boiling inside of me.

I was so desperate to try and find a way to honor his life and not take my own so all I did was crawl along for two and half years waiting for the pain to subside.  It has.  A bit.  But just in the last three months. It is now replaced by extreme exhaustion and a burning hatred of everything.  I am vicious in my hatred.  Determined.   Not outwardly to others but I avoid everyone so they think I am a snob.  Inwardly I am seething.   Not at anything or anyone in particular just at everything.

 What it is, is I am so deeply opposed to living I want nothing to do with anyone or anything.  It is different than the desperation.  It is a premeditated action that is growing in me to isolate myself even more because I want to die and I can’t.  So I hate…...  A hatred that I have been forced to pull on this mask and pretend that I am participating in their universe when I don’t even live there.   I barely have two people left who talk to me.  I guess I just want to plan for when I do depart no one will have to feel any hurt.  They can just be glad they don’t have the task of caring about me.  I’ve convinced myself it will hurt less. 

I think I am spiraling into a new phase of this grief and it isn’t pretty.  I am reading but not writing much.  When I come on the site and I see all the new blue boxes and I read them and see the new people who are now having to carry the hurt and pain we are all living with I just want to crawl in a hole.  I can’t stand to feel the loss.  I read their stories and hear their pain and knowing what it is like and what it has been like for me I am beyond words. 

Yet I have been so grateful for everyone’s words.  I come to read your words and know that the words expressing our feelings mean so much to each of us.  Hilary and Rachel and HollowHeart all of your words have been profound.  And when I see Tildyc, and Trina, Bluebird, Anne and Sara again and I think of John and George and Nicole and Linda and Joanne who are sort of new and how Mel is hurting and Michael Thompson and I know I am missing others but I honestly am finding it hard to bear seeing more people come here because I know their pain and I ask myself over and over. Why do we have to deal with death?  Why after such love?  Why? Why? Why?  Why?  Why does this have to happen to us? 

Where did he go?  Why I am crying again?  OH Help. Me.  I just want out of here so badly.  Why can’t I die?  Why can’t it be me? I can’t understand how a body can take this much crying and still live…………

Comment by nicole irving on November 15, 2015 at 5:22am

Hi Joanne, sadly i have to say welcome to this site, only sadly because we are all here for the same reason, i am sorry for your loss, but here there are people that totally understand what you are going through. i lost my fiancee, soulmate, best friend to a sudden heart attack on the 18th of may. the pain is unbearable but we have to trudge on through. i miss him every moment of everyday.

Comment by Joanne on November 15, 2015 at 2:01am

Thank you it's vey hard,I miss him so much...I'm very sorry for your loss as well

Comment by Tildyc on November 14, 2015 at 11:27pm

Joanne- I'm sorry you have to be here.... There really aren't any words that describe the amount of pain we have to live with now. But here- we are allowed to say what we need to at anytime. It's been the one and only place I've been able to go- period.

For me- this loss of my soulmate has consumed me and has left me irreversibly broken. I will never be okay.....

I know my words are of no comfort but, I and most of us here, will hear you and understand. And I'm so very very sorry for what has happened to you, me and everyone else here...
So very sorry.

Comment by Joanne on November 14, 2015 at 6:02pm

Thank You Trina, My condolences to you as well yes it's so hard... no children so he was my everything my best friend

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 14, 2015 at 5:23pm

Hello Joanne,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. I have no words of comfort to offer you, only that you have come to the right site where you can talk freely about your grief and find support and empathy. 

I lost my wonderful husband Joseph to lung cancer in August 2014, and I am still struggling daily trying to come to terms with his death. It was much harder the first year, it's gotten a tiny bit easier. To give you perspective, in the beginning the pain and anguish was like being hit by 100 foot-high waves all the time, now the waves are more at 70 or 80 feet high for me, and I do get respite once in a while during the day. So while it's been a tiny bit better after 15 months, I am not healed, nor am I "moving on". The loss of a beloved spouse is one of the most harrowing and painful of all human experiences. It's unspeakable had, and unless one has faced it themselves, one don't know what kind of a living hell this is. There is no answer or tip that I can offer, except to say to take one day at a time. 

Again, you have my deepest sympathy. Hang in there!

Comment by Joanne on November 14, 2015 at 3:49pm

Hi my name is Joanne I lost my husband Chris, June 11 2015 to suicide. We met in 2001 we were together 10 years before we married in March 2011. We were engaged for many years. I miss him very much this has been a living nightmare Chris was a wonderful husband he suffered from a eye condition he was on doxycycline for 10 months and had horrible side effects from the very beginning but he thought he could fight the feelings he was having. He was my best friend I also lost my mother in law on July 20 2015

Comment by nicole irving on November 10, 2015 at 12:56am

Tildyc i am glad you didnt loose your job, would be the last thing you need, being tough/ strong doesnt help much in the position we are in, i too have always had people telling me how strong i am, raised 2 kids by myself and stil accomplished alot, but seriously not feeling very strong at the moment

Comment by Tildyc on November 10, 2015 at 12:46am

Nicole Erving- yup- I hate. Very much so. Damn near lost my job today due to this bubbling anger underneath my facade I put up every day. I seriously had my Hans raised up in a strike position today..... I've always been tough, yetbfair to even my most difficult rm

Comment by nicole irving on November 9, 2015 at 10:00pm

i wish i knew how to stop the sadness, mike was such a happy person, he would hate to see me so sad all the time, i just got put on full time at the job i love, i should be bouncing, but i just dont care. i am not a hater but... i hate his work place that had him working up to 72hrs a week, 72hrs of hard manual labour, 72hrs of bullying, as far as i am concerned its their fault. i hate the ex wife that was giving him a major hard time, i hate the man that prevented us from going away at xmas last year for a few days, we never got to go away together for any extended period. i hate that i only got 3 yrs with him, i hate that i am not going to get to marry him and grow old with him, i hate that we cant continue with our dream, i hate coming home and not having him here, i hate the thought of the little silly half arguements we had, i hate happy couples/ families, i hate special occasions, i hate going to bed, getting out of bed, i hate not being able to give him a call, a cuddle, a touch, i hate , hate , hate. I just want him to come home, i am half the person i was, i need him, want him, cant live without him

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