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Comment by Tildyc on November 28, 2015 at 7:47pm

Bonnie- no I'm not offended. I just felt I wanted to give you a sense of this site. It's where I, you, Morgan, Bluebird, Trina, Hilary, Nicole, Rachel Michelle, George and ALL of the broken and lost souls can be honest and understood. It is the ONLY place I can go. I have no other.

I'm not upset miss Bonnie. Plz do not worry about that. Take care-

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 28, 2015 at 6:42pm

One of the first things that my grief counsellor told me and very wisely so is that grief is very individual. Each of us feel grief differently, personally, and in a unique way. There's no right or wrong way to feel grief. So it's not very helpful or comforting to hear, especially on this site, how one must/should grieve. The lucky ones are able to move on faster with their grief and those others like myself, Tildyc, m morgan, Hilary, or Bluebird are not so fortunate.

I live in an extremely painful and lonely world of my own. My dear siblings and good friends have no inkling of the depth of grief and sorrow I feel everyday almost all the time. In front of the others I wear a mask or a hat, not to show my true emotions and feelings too openly. Because after almost 16 months they are losing patience with me and want me to "move on." I have moved on some, I don't lie on the floor and weep and wail for hours. Now I just shed quiet tears when I am reminded of Joseph by a song, a sight, a smell, or a thought. And I shed tears when I pray daily and fervently for my early death. So on this site of all places I don't want to hear that I am not " behaving in right way," as there is no right thing to do when one is in deep mourning.

My deepest empathy to all those on this site who suffer daily and hopelessly because they love their husband/partner do deeply. Peace be with you all.

Comment by bluebird on November 28, 2015 at 6:22pm

It is the same for me, or very similar, as it is for Tildy and Hilary.

I appreciate what you're saying, Bonnie, and I'm sure that your advice will work for some people. For me, however, it will not.  My life ended when my husband died.  I died when he died.

I have no choice in the way I feel; my misery now is the only possible, natural response to the death of my soulmate and the consequent separation, even if it is (as I so desperately hope) only temporary. (I am agnostic regarding the possibility of an afterlife.)

I have a very loving family, whom I also love very much, yet despite that I do not wish to be alive, and I will never again wish to be alive. I want this farce of a life to be over.  I am done.

Comment by Hilary Christene on November 28, 2015 at 5:15pm

Outside of this group, I do not share the true extent of my grief.

Hiding the extent of my own suffering is a necessary kindness toward those who are in less pain, whose lives still contain hope, who can't imagine or accept that someone would come up against an un-traversable emotional obstacle. These dear souls get a warm smile, love light beaming from my eyes, and this keeps them comfortable, protects them from the ugliness of my pain.

Here, I feel so grateful when I am heard without being advised. I feel so grateful that I can reveal the actual nature of the damnation and the devastation I am experiencing. The emotional connection between me and D is far too intense and interwoven for many to imagine.

I find the strength and beauty of this bond reflected here among those whose loves are similarly cherished. Finding this understanding here has been crucial to my continuing to face every day, to learn from shared honesty that loving this deeply is in the spectrum of human experience, that the sensation of incalculable and insurmountable loss is its consequence, and to begin to learn from the pain, and what I am learning from the pain, incredibly, is that D still is, and we are in fact still together, though his physical existence has concluded.

D died just over three months ago. As I approached the first month's passing, I was still utterly bewildered by shock. Small things, such as a dish, or the lighter for D's candle, seemed strangely and insurmountably heavy. I myself felt as if I had no physical presence any longer, as if I were a ghost, or floating. Traffic sounded like an inviting stream into which I might step to meet what seemed like a gentle and light obliteration.

Now, I have become certain and peaceful in knowing that I have met and achieved my life's purpose in living out my destiny with D; that my inner certainty of knowing this is not an error or a situation over which I should exert any bullshit brutality of false cheer. Not everyone loves like this, and that is perfectly fine. Many value the experience of life in and of itself, rather than see it as a course to be navigated because of a certain companionship. Wonderful! Yet, this has never been me. And that is fine.

Each of us can be what we are. It's been healing for me to be able to acknowledge that I am a creature in divinely blessed tandem with another creature, for whom my life was meant. And without whom my life feels finished, without whom my physical existence is a torment.

Comment by Tildyc on November 28, 2015 at 4:24pm

Bonnie-
I am happy that you have been able to move through your pain and grief. You are a strong person and an inspiration for many I'm sure.

But for me- it's the complete opposite side of this coin. There is no amount of medication, therapy, counseling or grief group that can change this deep sadness in me.

And if I where the one to die and leave Mark behind I would not never, ever want him to suffer like this- of course not. It goes without saying. But for me- this is a pointless statement. You see he is the one who left. I am the one left behind to try and live without him. I wake up to this devastation every single time. He- is gone. He is free. Nothing changes that and this is just the way it is. No ones words or actions will EVER change that. This heavy weight of pain and loss is forever mine to carry- alone.

I also truly believe that the depth of my pain is in direct correlation to the depth of the love I carried for him. And still carry for him. It will never fade or go away. Just as this grief will never fade or go away.

And the statement-
"I can either accept it and move on like my husband would want me to do, or I can curl up in a weeping ball and be of no good to anyone, especially myself."
I find quite insensitive for this sight.

I understand your point you are conveying here and I know you are trying to help. Trust me in all other aspects of my own life I have always been tough as nails and have no patience for making excuses. Commercial fishing under stressed out and sadistic captains most my life and now managing a high pressure sales position does not allow for any curling up and weeping. Although that is truly all I wish I to do now.

And when I'm alone, honestly- that's pretty much exactly what I do.

I truly hope I haven't offended you. But many of us here are in un-imaginable pain. And many of us have already heard the "get your chin up and get on with life" speech. It only causes for me- more distress and anger.

But I say again- I am so happy that someone (you) are able to perhaps move through this loss. I'm sure you inspire many. Take care-

Comment by nicole irving on November 28, 2015 at 3:56am

ok so mike is meant to be 50 in a week, im meant to be organising him an awesome party, not putting in for a day off work cos i know im gonna be a mess, then 19 days later xmas! how am i meant to cope with dec. what did we do so bad that we have to go through this, i miss him all the time, people are sick of me talking about him. i want him back.

Comment by Tildyc on November 28, 2015 at 2:17am

Been out walking and crying in the freezing cold Alaskan darkness for hours.

Wandered down to the harbor where his commercial troller used to be moored. I stared into the cold, dark water there- where his 1st love used to wait patiently till the spring. Until they would cast off for the fishing grounds once again.

The stall remains un-occupied. Empty. Except for a few spots of white paint we spilled on the dock 2 yrs ago when we where doing a little touch up on her. The sight of this literally brought me to my knees-in the cold, wet snow. My tears- unstoppable and the memories flooded my weary mind and tormented my broken soul. I pleaded with myself to just plunge into that ice cold sea water and to go to him. To finally put a stop to this never ending hell I've been existing in.

I stayed there on his slip for what seemed a very long time. I was numb from the cold. Pathetically watching my useless tears fall on the snow. I'm so fucking pathetic. I know how I sound and I make myself sick. I feel so helpless and weak under this onslaught of loss and pain. I cannot find one sensible reason why I should continue living like this. Not one.
It is inhumane.

Comment by Tildyc on November 28, 2015 at 1:21am

Hi Landra- this is the single most painful and horrific event I've ever faced. It's destroyed me. I'm sorry you you are now here. But "here"- can help sometimes.

Comment by Landra Quick on November 27, 2015 at 8:56pm

My husband my best friend

I lost the Love of My Life few months ago. I miss him so much, and I love him sooooo much. My husband was a wonderful strong man. He was a man I could depend on. We  were the perfect couple, if I may say so myself. He loved me and I love him...

Comment by Sammie on November 26, 2015 at 10:17am

Morgan this is the reason I never went to a psychologist because I know what I feel and I know what they saying I know this pain will never end only the day I will die which I hope will come soon. I do have a supportive family my brother said do what you have to do only you know how to grief nobody can tell you how to feel, they are very affected too so I'm not that lonely I do have their support . And my friend lost her husband 8 years ago and now she has cancer so I try to be there for her she was diagnosed the same month when my husband died . I told her I wish I can take her diseases .. Everything around us is do sad I'm nit alone this day my family is with me but we are all sad . Sometimes my niece who is 3 makes me smile she use to call my husband Soe after his death she told me look Sammie let's go there you don't see Soe is waiting there for us even this days she always mention him , she said she is holding his hand so I really like to be with her she amaze me so I try to think that he is really there and I can not see him.. This is what my life now i pretend that he is next to me but I can't see him and listen to my 3 years old niece who even hold his hand .. And maybe that day is coming when I can see him too.. Hope everybody has a easy day hang in there

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