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Comment by Lisa James on December 8, 2015 at 6:11am

I will never forget the last words my husband said too.My husband was a good man in life.I still have the birthday gift he gave me for my 36th birthday last year,A 2015 Dodge Challenger R/T and I am keeping it.Plus I put a Busch beer bottle cap by the shifter in memory of him.He loved Busch beer and I do too.Remember having a couple Busch beers with him on the front porch.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on December 8, 2015 at 5:04am

Dear Tildyc,

So sorry to read your heartrending post. Don't know what to say. One thing I have noticed since it started to get dark earlier in the day is that I've felt more depressed and despondent than before. Our anniversary falls on December 21st. Joseph and I chose this day b/c it is winter solstice, the shortest day of the year after which the days start getting longer; winter solstice is the celebration of the returning light day. The solstice is supposed to symbolize our love. It would have been our 16th anniversary (we were together for 19 years). I miss Joseph to the point that I can't even say how badly. I know that my deep and ongoing sorrow is testament of our deep and abiding love. That's all I can say. You yourself said something to that effect, that your pain of loss is in direct proportion to your love for Mark. So hang in there, my dear, and keep visiting this site.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Tildyc on December 8, 2015 at 12:41am

No matter what I do- I can't get better. Morgan, AnneJ, Bluebird- wtf?!? Plz- I don't want to be doing this for the rest of my life. It's relentless and I miss him soo fuckin much. Another cry-a-thon today. I want to die....Plz- plz plz. Make it stop

Comment by Lisa James on December 5, 2015 at 12:04pm

Lost my husband to cancer 8 months ago.I miss his laugh and he had a good sense of humor.Also miss the times having a couple beers with him and was always Busch beer.It was hard and moving on with my life since his death.His last words to me were I love you

Comment by Tildyc on December 5, 2015 at 2:33am

Linda- this is no place anyone wants to find themselves- no one ever wanted to have to be here. But here we all are. Broken humans.

3 yrs for you and the devastation still continues.... And only gets worse. There are a number of folk on here who have lived with that pain for years as you have- (Morgan, AnneJ, Bluebird) to name just a few. I've only been in this living hell since Feb 4th, 2014. But for me, it's been an eternity. And I know I will NEVER be ok without him. My life now and forever will be.... a colossal waste of time. Now- I'm only waiting to die and to be free from this pain.

If not for "here" I would not have a single solitary outlet for this overwhelming grief. Nor would my thoughts and words ever be heard and actually truly understood. No one else is able to relate. Just myself and all the broken humans that come here. I'm truly sorry Linda...So very sorry for all of us. Take care-

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 4, 2015 at 4:05pm

My Husband has been gone for 3 years, died of colon cancer, for 5 long years we battled this ugly cancer together. They say it gets better with time, but I say bull to that, it is only getting harder each year. I miss his tender touch, conversations together, laughter and just enjoying life. My life will never be the same. The day he died I died with him.  

Comment by rachel_micele on December 4, 2015 at 2:58pm

"I don't know what else to do." How I've said that statement plenty of times in this hell. I haven't known what to do from the get go. I still don't. It's enough to drive me truly crazy. Enough to put a bullet in my head. Nothing in the damn world feels right but I don't know what to do. Semester is wrapping up and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Which is good, I got burnt after a month. But it dawned on me this past week, I've been thinking how semester needs to just get over with like there's some prize at the end. And normally there would be. But there is no prize this time. I'll still be in the same damn boat I've been in - Gary is physically gone and I don't know how to live without him here.

That line I read in a book months ago about how we've managed before and we will manage again sticks with me. I think it's because I feel that's true thinking about any other relationship in my life. But with Gary, it's completely different. He changed everything.  

"We disagreed alright but we were committed to one another." I can relate to that too. Gary and I fought a lot. Sometimes when I really think about it I'm baffled how love won out. But it did. We just knew how much we fit, how much was in store when we would get past all that bullshit. 

Good to see you John.  

Comment by morgan on December 3, 2015 at 10:53pm

That's love John.  That's what never giving up on us meant to our spouses.  Love was that they trusted us and believed in us.  Love was the commitment that always permeated an argument.  

I have written recently as to my own isolation that is proving to be almost unconquerable especially when everything around me is reminding me of times that were so important to the relationship I had with my husband.  The songs, the greetings shared on the street, the shops, the decorations, I am withdrawing from all of it in order to survive the feelings that come on me.  

My family continues to believe that I can be fixed.  That if I get the right kind of help I can find a way to live without my husband.  Drugs, therapy, time, activities…. all the normal applications of what reality used to make us better if we were ill.  None of them work for grief.  Grief is a separate universe.  

I beg, plead and cry, over and over for my husband to please come get me.  He never would let me go because our love was too strong and yet he cannot hear me.  He cannot hear my pleas.  He is too far away.  And no one can understand what that is like for me.  Except all of you.

Your family won’t.  They will want to fix you.  No one can listen like our spouses did and not only did they listen but they were there 24/7.  We need that constant connection of the someone who never gave up on us.  No one can hear us now like we need to be heard.  I’m sorry.  I wish our lives were so different.

Comment by nicole irving on December 2, 2015 at 9:19pm

How did it end up like this, i go from being really happy with my life, wedding plans running through my head, dreams of our farm ad our future, now hear i am doing split shifts at work 4am til 10am and 3pm to 7, totally exhausted and i am not seeing my little man hardly, court case on thurs to PROVE i am his defacto, too bad that we went through the long haul, it has to be proven! i miss him so much, am half the person i was, all i can think about is him, why did he go? i am poking along not seemingly succeeding at anything, why am i even hear? how am i going to cope with his 50th birthday on sunday, how do i cope with xmas. how do i stop blaming his workplace? him and my kids were my world, my world is ruined, i dont know what to do to make things easier and yes Tildy C we are merely existing. was sitting listening to my boss talking about her husbands 50th the other day and their wedding 3 weeks later! what am i meant to say to that! um well thank your lucky stars you got there............. happy fucking people around me all the time with perfect little lives

Comment by Tildyc on November 30, 2015 at 1:33am

George- I hear you. You and I are on a very similar time line with the loss of our soulmates. I myself am crumbling under the weight and dread of these looming upcoming holidays and marker days. I try very hard not to think about it and keep it out of my thoughts. But of course- this is truly an impossible feat. I cannot win this battle. It is destroying everything about me and has taken away my will to live. Now- I am merely existing...
without love.....
without hope.....

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