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Comment by Trina Mamoon on February 29, 2016 at 2:58am

Hello All,

Just a note to send you all love and to say that we here on this forum understand the pain of our kindred spirits. 

It's so true about people not having a clue as to how it feels to have lost the love of your life, your life partner. There is NO time limit for grief. Some people get over their loss in a few months, and for some others the grief and sense of loss last until the day they die. I am one of those who will forever mourn the loss of my wonderful husband Joseph.

More than a year and half have passed since he left this world, but that doesn't mean that I've "moved on." Well, in some ways, in terms of practical, day to day things, perhaps I have. I am doing better than I have in the past one year in this regard, but the ongoing, everyday intense feeling of void, loss, and pain hasn't, and it will not go away anytime soon.

People who haven't experienced a devastating, life altering loss like us don't have any point of reference, so they can't fathom the depth of our pain and suffering. So for a long time now when people ask me: "How are you?" I just say okay or good. And that's what they want to hear. I don't want to explain to these people b/c they wouldn't understand even if I did. So why bother? 

I am so glad that we have this forum to come to, so we can commiserate and comfort each other. 

Hang in there, all of you! Know that there are others here who relate and who understand. Be well.

Love, Trina

Comment by Mel Royer on February 26, 2016 at 10:10am

I get that same feedback as well. It's as though my daughters and my brother have written me off. I guess they figure I should be over all this grieving shit by now and getting on with my life. What's left of it that is. Until they experience the same gut wrenching life altering loss  that we have experienced, they haven't a clue!  And like you, Joanne, I'm getting to the place where I prefer my solitude. At ;east, when I break down and lose it, there's no one around to judge me. Nancy knew me inside and out. There is no one like her and never will be another like her.  I miss you, Nancy!

Comment by joanne on February 26, 2016 at 8:18am

Hi lizzie, I feel no one wants to listen to me too, especially as it's been 7 months now, I know they all think I should have'got over it' I can tell how they look at me, they don't want to know, I have distanced myself from nearly everyone I know, so much now that I can say I don't have any real  friends anymore, and thats fine by me, I don't need them, they don't understand anyway, apart from my children and my parents,  I prefer my own solitude now. Andrew was the only one I could tell anything and everything to anyway, I feel in some strange way that this group is my only friend now, its the only place I can express myself and know someone is listening, so lizzie I'd say you have this group as your friend too,they are listening to you, me,everyone and they understand us, we understand each other xxx

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 26, 2016 at 6:32am

Thanks all for letting me share this poem with you.

Comment by Mel Royer on February 26, 2016 at 3:08am

Bluebird, as I recall she mentioned that he HAD been associated with the university but didn't mention exactly when. I don't think he was there at the same time she was taking classes but I don't remember. It was Hollins University. Nancy went there in the 70's and I think Auden was there sometime in the 60's.

Comment by rachel_micele on February 25, 2016 at 11:06pm

I also liked the poem Bluebird, thanks for mentioning it.

I remember recently, Linda, you posted a picture of Julian. He's got a million dollar smile.

Oh how I hear you Alice on the out of control sensitivity to stimulus. An example - I remember finishing out last spring semester when Gary passed. Something as simple as the teacher talking close to the mic for even one minute had me white knuckling with everything I had to endure. Noise, movement, music - practically anything would put my nervous system on excruciating torment and it wouldn't take long at all. I'm still dealing with it, granted not as bad as the beginning, but people don't understand how it's not just our mind that is in grief. It's our entire physiology. To go to a lively jazz concert at four months, oh my word ...

Comment by bluebird on February 25, 2016 at 8:32pm

I'm glad you (joanne, Alice) like the poem.  I find that it close to perfectly expresses what this hell is like. And I understand what both of you mean, about good things now being bad -- that is exactly how it is for me, especially when it comes to the good things my husband and I used to do together, like going to flea markets hunting for cool vintage stuff.  I used to enjoy that for many years before I met him, and then when it turned out he enjoyed it too that was great, and we did it together. Now I don't have any interest in it at all, and in fact actively avoid it most of the time, because like everything else I used to enjoy I just don't give a damn about it anymore, I don't want it because he isn't here to do it and enjoy it with me.

 

Linda, what you wrote is beautiful.  Sad and beautiful.

 

Mel, that is kind of cool about your wife and Auden. Did she take any classes with him? 

Comment by George H on February 25, 2016 at 7:02pm

Very beautiful Linda

Comment by Linda Engberg on February 25, 2016 at 4:18pm

There is one day that has brought me unspeakable pain.

And the effects of that day continue to cover and erode my world like rust.

I suspect that someday the rust will eat through the joists and posts of my life and will topple literally as well as figuratively.ratively.

Comment by Mel Royer on February 25, 2016 at 1:36pm

Kind of an aside but my late wife attended Hollins University (near me) where W.H. Auden was a "poet in residence"  back in the 60's I think?

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