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Comment by stewart p on April 10, 2016 at 10:34am

You dont want to but you must, you can from it a well spring of hope,faith and strength will come forward that you never imagined could exist much less with in yourself. I am learning to live with the daily yearning in my heart instead of believing one day it might go away.  If there is any hope know that it changes with time.  I recall a while ago having a thought and sharing it in a group and I remember it today as well as then and that is that only the context of my relationship with my dead spouse has changed, but the relationship I have with her still is very much alive, just in a different form.  And today while my heart yearns in pain as it does to a different degree every day I grudgingly get up and set out to proceed with the day's tasks as I have for many months now.  But lately Ive noticed sometime more than not a little spring in my step beginning to appear and maybe even a little glee that if nothing else I remember dear you are no longer here but I am and I am grateful for the chance to be here to remember you and I so well.  Of course to be honest if I dont force by shear will to get up it becomes just as easy to lay back down and spend most of the day in what I call relapse.  A perpetual state of sadness that keeps stagnant watching mindless reruns of breaking bad, playing solitaire or any thing else to keep me distracted and out of touch with life and this new reality.  Of course for those first few months I think that is just fine and it helped me get through the intial shock and loneliness of being alone stripped from my partner so abruptly .  But eventually and for everyone it's different I guess, weeks, months or even a year or two and I had to begin to find some way to begin to move.  Baby steps, one at a time.  I will admit though many times currently I find myself facing one inner conflict that really bothers me and that is many times after or in the middle of a particular task, I find myself or asking myself "why", or " what does it matter" if I do this or not?  I have no one to share it with and soon one day I will be gone as well and so what does it really matter, what does any of it matter?  Now that Im talking about it the answer is beginning to appear.  Funny thing about losing someone it makes me question and scrutinize everything so much closer and seek more clarity in what I say to others, what I do and how I spend my time.  In this way she, my wife has a big impact on my life I feel everyday. And in that sense is one of the many ways in how our relationship still exists, only has changed.  I don't know, maybe Im just fooling myself and my mind is playing tricks on me at this time, but it seems to help, it works for me and it does make sense.  So what does anything I do matter any longer?  I guess I just found what might be my answer; I need to be careful how I choose to spend my finite and infinity valuable time, what I do, who I do it with and most importantly what I say or don't say for and to others.  When my wife was around physically it always caused me to have to step up to do the right thing more often I wanted to sometimes in many ways, but now that she is gone physically Im really having to step up my game, thanks sweetie. And thank you for allowing me the space to speak, this as always helps a lot and now I need to go and get the day started, plus because I took the time out to reflect on this i will need to alot a little extra time for those sad feelings to strike me again, I wish to God every time I think about her she was here, but she cant and isnt and my rambling on here is just one more small part how I am learning/adapting as an unwilling participant/partner to this gruesome adventure.  Have a good day to you all and may the grace and peace of Jesus Christ be with you this fine day.

Comment by Joseph on April 10, 2016 at 8:59am

Another heart broken day filled with pain and longing to be with my Jerry.  Five weeks in now and the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in.  I don't want to live like this.

Comment by mo on April 7, 2016 at 11:11am

Hi Lisa, I understand the feelings you are having, I lost my partner five weeks tomorrow, I still can't believe it is real. I am still waiting to find out the cause of death for definate, so I just keep thinking if this had happened, if I had been there that afternoon, if the medics and hospital had done something different, I just don't know. I struggle to get up or get out the house some days. Everything around seems to remind me of him or something we did or said. Friends have been good, but being alone in the house and nights are the worst. I don't know how long it takes or if life will ever seem really worth living again. I really know how you feel x

Comment by stewart p on April 7, 2016 at 8:46am

I remember those months in the beginning, after 23 years to drive home from the hospital alone being thrust unexpectedly into a world unknown and where few at my age of 53 had been.  The immense pain and guilt one can feel is indescribable, but here it is a few years later and I have learned to navigate through these waters and survive.  Does it go away? It has not for me but it has changed as have I. There are days I can almost begin to look forward to again.  I can step out on the front porch in the morning as the sun rises from the east and am reminded how wonderful the sound of birds singing truly are, something I may have barely noticed in the past.  The point is I have now today I notice much more about every detail of every moment and person I encounter today and grasp it more than I could of ever before partly because I am so aware of the fact it could be the last and I appreciate all of it as I could never have before.  Some of my guilt is felt through that now too, I ask myself sometimes why couldn't I have been more in tune with life around me then as I am now?  Stupid question when you think about it because then I hadn't experienced what I have now.  Just another one of those "lies" that if I follow it will lure me into a false sense of guilt.  Guilt which will serve no useful purpose but to disable me from living and participating in life and those around me.   Truly a blessing that could only have been gotten one way, this terrible ordeal I have been made to endure.  It wasn't like this for this for me at first, and its been an extraordinarily difficult climb out of that sorrow and depression, but it is doable and I am only a man of ordinary abilities, if I am standing here today with hope so can anyone else.  Are there days I fall backwards or regress as if almost near the beginning? Absolutely and I recall another thing someone told me early on, be easy on myself, allow myself to feel what i feel and do not become too disheartened when I have a worst day than before.  There will be bad days and some better days and then some worst days again, and that is ok.  Notice I didn't say good days?  There are good ones, they just are few between and take longer to arrive, but I have noticed with time they begin to appear more often. Don't get me wrong, I wish to God more than anything she was here with me everyday, but apparently God has other plans for me and Im only privileged to get to be a part of that plan and participate. Best to you and I pray for you that you will find some comfort, peace strength through a truly difficult time.  I will say one more thing, I think many people underestimate the help attending a bereavement group monthly has. I did for the first year+ and Im not sure I would of survived had I not.

Comment by Robin Quinn on April 7, 2016 at 7:19am

Thank you Stewart.  I am at the point where I know there is nothing that I think, say or do that will bring my husband back. It just gets so hard being without him, life after 30 years with someone that is no longer there is just so overwhelming.

Comment by Lisa on April 7, 2016 at 6:53am

Thank you Stewart for posting your experiences and feelings about guilt.  It's 5 weeks today since I lost my husband and that's what has been killing me for the last few days. Immense guilt that is so strong it brings me to my knees.  I've copied your comment so I can re-read your words when those horrible feelings take over me again. Thank you for sharing.

Comment by stewart p on April 6, 2016 at 11:01pm

In my case I played out so many would, should and could of's I filled dozen of pages in a journal. Then I read somewhere a couple of things I suggest anyone dealing with this feeling of guilt bear in mind.  That unless I intentionally caused the death of someone, all the should, would and could ofs' were of no value because at that moment in the past I did not have the benefit of the wisdom, experience and knowledge I now so painfully have earned.  If you think about this for a moment this is true in most areas of all our lives, the choices we made at a given moment in time were based on the best we could do with what we knew at the time, without knowing what we know now.  Oh how life might be different in so many areas of my life had I known then what I know now, right? 

The other thing I read was a comparison between our culture and those where death from natural disasters are much more common.  In our culture we have deluded ourselves into believing we have control over life much more than we really do.  In some cultures around the world particularly those accustomed to loss due to frequent natural disasters the death of a loved one is better understood. The point is only because we have this erroneous belief largely driven by our culture that we somehow posses such power over life and death we actually begin to believe that we somehow could have changed events.

Many not agree with these statements and Im not saying they are absolute, for me they made me realize that a) I did the best I could with what I knew at the time and with the knowledge I had AT
THAT TIME in the past,and b) life is by its very nature outside of my control.  Do  I still think sometimes I should,could or would of, of course, those thoughts sometimes still pop up, but when they do I question their authenticity with the facts and remember,they are only beliefs you have, you do not have to continue to believe in them, act them or accept them.  This type of guilt is falsely grounded in a pack of lies, dont you go on believing them.  I suspect one day in the future I will look back to now and realize if I had only known today what I will know then I would not have allowed so much of my conscience to have been torn apart by such misplaced feelings of guilt, and they are only that; feelings, not the truth.

Comment by Robin Quinn on April 6, 2016 at 9:01pm

At what point does a person stop feeling the survivors guilt?  How long before you stop the "what if's, should haves, why didn't I's?"  It's so hard day after day knowing they aren't coming back.  The nights are the worse, laying in the bed you shared with them and the emptiness of their side.  I at least got to say goodbye, so many on here didn't get to do that with their loved one.  I get signs from him, other people are still waiting for their loved one to contact them.

Comment by Deborah Bailey on March 30, 2016 at 4:13pm

Hi everyone,

It makes you realise how cruel life is. I lost the only man I will ever love six weeks ago and if I'm honest you think you are the only one going through the torment of just drifting through the day, doing what has to be done, saying what has to be said but it's not true there are lots going through exactly the same pain and torment. I hope we can all find peace somehow but I don't know how xx

Comment by Trina Mamoon on March 29, 2016 at 4:13am

Hi Angela,

Auto pilot is right. Like you, and I think all the other members here, I don't know how I survived the first few months after Joseph's passing. I did things that needed to be done as if in a bad dream. I just did them; it's all a blur, except for the unspeakable pain. The pain is not a blur.

Joseph: Until people experience the loss of their beloved spouse/partner, they have absolutely no idea what kind of pain--emotional, physical, and psychological--that we survivors experience on a daily basis. It's inhuman, cruel, and unfair.

19 months have passed, and I had to face my husband's 50th birthday, then the first anniversary of his death, my birthday, and then another birthday... it's unending. For me, there will be no peace until the day I die and am reunited with the love of my life. I am waiting for that day to dawn.

Sending good thoughts and prayers your way, all of you who read this post. Take care. -- Trina

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