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Comment by morgan on November 12, 2016 at 10:45pm

I've been struggling along for three years and nine months.  I really don't have any strength left to keep enduring the pain of losing my husband.  I seem to get up and get through days, some less painful, some debilitating (like today) but to think I am going to have to continue this kind of life is beyond the pale.  

And it isn't for lack of keeping myself obsessively busy.  I provide myself with as much distraction as my body can withstand and then when I sit down and take stock of what the day has been I simply disintegrate.  I cant keep this up can I?  How does a body with a mind in such desperate pain still function?  Why is it not giving out?  

Am I desperate enough to do something?  I don't think I could but I wont rule it out and even though I think that time has passed I cold still see where if I am like this far out in the future my mind could change.  I know the phases of this grief have changed so nothing is written in stone.

 But the suffering has gotten so bad when I go into my hole. I thought it was horrendous at the beginning (and it was) but this is  getting to be unmanageable when the crying hits.  UN manageable because at that point there is no reality that matters.  Nothing.  I can even sit and reflect while I am in pain crying about what I've been doing to try to live and what I have been capable of doing and yet it doesn't make a difference.  It doesn't make the pain of wanting him beside me go away.  Or the wish that I want to join him no matter that I don't know what actually happens.  

And after this long, only my one sister and my good friend who suffers from emotional anxiety of the highest order can I still express my deepest disturbances of what losing my husband has done to me.  I've stopped trying to have others understand.  Time to them has passed and they simply cannot grasp how devastated I still could be.  I think they don't want to be seen as enabling my sorrow when I will never be any other way.  Unfortunately we have all been brainwashed to think that this is a fixable bump in the road.  What they don't realize is that I now live on an island in the middle of the ocean and there are no boats to get to me.

I want this to stop.  I've tried everything I can to make it stop.  I feel like I come to the end of my rope every day.  How can I go on like this.  I just dread the breakdowns and whether they are long or short the thoughts of him are just so strong.  What on "earth" is happening that some of us are suffering so?  Someone needs to give me a reason for such pain.  This is just wrong.  Something must be happening on a much bigger level in this universe because nothing should be this painful emotionally for this long.  I didn't do anything that bad in my life to have this happen to me.  This has to stop.  

Sorry to dump this on the thread but this is the only place I know where I can come and let it all out and know it will be understood in the frame of reference it was written.....each and every one of us thankfully have this place to come......thank you for listening to me tonight. 

P.S.  And to those who cant sleep......its just one more part and parcel the grief journey.  I sleep when I can.  Nothing normal or regular about it anymore and that too has changed over the years.  The one thing I try to do is not hit the caffeine or sugar too heavy.  I actually was drinking some new flavored spring water I found at Walmart this past week until I discovered it contained aspartame......threw me for a loop all week long.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on November 12, 2016 at 3:53am

Dear Elynn, Irwin, Libby, George, Bluebird, and All,

It's been been more than two years for me since the love of my life Joseph passed. I have accepted that he died, but with that acceptance I haven't "moved on." Like so many of you, I'll never move on, I'll never be okay that Joseph is gone. I don't want this life.

I just turned 56, so there's a good chance that I will live for another 25-30 years. The very thought terrifies me and fills me with anger and indignation at the unfairness of it all! Joseph was 49 and had so much going for him. But I have been condemned to live without him for another 25-30 years, a life that lacks purpose, lacks joy, lacks meaning. What kind of justice is this? I don't want to go on living without my soulmate. Period. Everyday I pray that I may be granted a shorter life, that I may be spared this existence that has no meaning for me. The days go by so painfully slowly, at a snail's pace...

I feel for you, my heart aches at all this sorrow and pain that we find on this forum. I send you all my prayers for finding some measure of peace.

Hugs, Trina

Comment by Irwin on November 11, 2016 at 10:35pm

"When my Soulmate died, my soul died as well."

Comment by Irwin on November 11, 2016 at 10:33pm

I have made it to day 52 since my wife passed. Yesterday a very beautiful woman told me that she would be very interested in getting to know me, but she sees so much pain in me. When I'm ready to move on, then she wants me to contact her.

I will never be ready to move on. I will always be thinking of her and that would not be fair to any woman that I would have a relationship with. I'm only 61 and I have this feeling I will live another 20+ years. I cannot fathom that thought without Jodi. I sincerely hope I pass away sooner than later. When you Soulmate died, my soul died as well. I have a heart....just wish it would stop beating because all I feel is pain.

Comment by Libbie H on November 11, 2016 at 9:37pm

Desperate to put my heart together...Tomorrow is 24months, 730th day without my husband...Last year I ran to the beach, stayed drunk, came home many days later praying this heartbreak will end. Well 365 days later its the same...but this year I'm home alone,  trying to do this sober.  Not that any other day has been different but just expected this to get easier. The morning he died movie wakes me every morning...just want him back even sick...how selfish....and my life with him. HELP GOD!

Comment by Elynn m on November 11, 2016 at 7:37pm

Thanks for sharing, george.   Just expressing myself in this group has helped today

Comment by George H on November 11, 2016 at 7:22pm

Evelyn i truly don't believe there are stages my wife is been gone for 21 months and I still do it all anger depression loneliness emptiness you name it it's still here I'm sitting in my room most of the time I stare at the TV that's not even turned on I don't know how I'm getting through this

Comment by bluebird on November 11, 2016 at 7:20pm

Elynn,

The "stages of grief" thing is just a guideline. It doesn't work that way for everyone; really, it hardly ever works exactly that way, because people are so individual.  Even for people for whom it does more-or-less work that way, there is almost always some overlap of the stages, or some back & forth between them, etc.  

I know it's not "hopeful", but I can tell you that my husband died four years ago, and I am still severely depressed, and I always will be. Basically I have felt and always will feel every one of the stages except for "acceptance", as I will never accept my husband's death. I mean, I know that he died, but I will never "accept" it in that I will never "move on" or "move past it" or any of the other cliches. 

Now, as for you -- I can't tell you how long your depression will last. It could last another week, or another year, or forever.  Personally, I much prefer to just sit around the house, since I just want to make my "life", such as it is, as small as I possibly can, and then die as soon as possible. If that is not how you feel or what you want, then I think it would be a good idea for you to call your husband's family, especially as you said they are very supportive. Even if they are busy, they will likely want to make time for you.  Same for your friends.  Do you have your own family (parents, siblings, etc.) on whom you can rely as well, relatives on your side you can call?

Comment by Elynn m on November 11, 2016 at 7:10pm

I miss my husband.   It was one year in seotember.   I know that depression is one of the stages of grief, but how long will it last?  Seems that lately, I am having trouble finding things to do.   Just sit around the house.  Don't feel comfortable calling friends. Always feel that they are too busy.   My husband's family is very supportive, but am having trouble calling them too.   Should call them, but I think they are too busy (probably not true, it's just my mood.)

Comment by joanne on October 29, 2016 at 5:19pm

Irwin I've recently discovered that movie, and although it breaks my heart and I cry constantly whilst watching it, it makes me hope that one day I can find my Andy and be with him always.x  A couple of months before he died it was my birthday and one of the walls in my hallway is painted with blackboard paint and when I returned home from work that day, he had wrote in chalk 'happy birthday my queen, love for for all eternity, for 14 months I have made sure nobody touches that message or brushes past it and rubs of the chalk, I read it everyday knowing he will love me forever, as I will him. For all eternity Andrew,always xxxxxx

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