Well, sleep is not my friend again apparently. I have been having lots of nightmares, waking up in panic attacks, and just not being able to fall asleep at all. It had been better for a couple months so it surprised me that it was being such a problem again. Tonight as I sit here at 1:30am writing and thinking I think I figured it out. My mind is rebelling against the steps forward I have taken. Ever since I decided to get back to work I think is when it started to get bad again. But why? It doesnt feel like guilt, Im not feeling sadder but I will always be sad without my family members who have passed away, and I am loving doing daycare again. So why is my subconscious punishing me? If I cant sleep I wont be able to work and I cant take anything that might interfere with my attentiveness durning the day because I work alone with babies and toddlers. The first really bad nightmares this time around were after working all day and having to be "ON" for a 10 hour day. I havent had to do that since Tom died and it is mentally exhausting to keep the smile plastered on so the little ones enjoy their days. Could it be that I work so hard at pushing all the feeling back all day that they come up at night? And if that is what it is, why tonight cant I sleep? I didnt work today. So I guess I will go get some milk, and my book and try again to slip into a peaceful sleep. Good night everyone. I hope you are all sleeping gentle restful sleeps. Be good to yourselves.
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