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Comment by Joe Kelly on December 9, 2019 at 3:46pm

Wendy,

I too wish you didn't have to find your way here.  I identify with your feeling alone even around our children and grands.  That was very loving and sweet of your grand daughter.  Read and post here.  It doesn't make it easier but knowing there are others like us, we're not alone.  I meet many at the cemetery.  When I see some that come often, I say hello and we share our grief.  I've even met one who like myself had an OBE or some call it a NDE.  We know we will be someday reunited with the ONE we became ONE with when it is our time to pass over.  That's about all I can say right now.  Stay close.

Joe 

Comment by morgan on December 8, 2019 at 12:16pm

Wendy,

I hardly know what to say other than you have come to a place where we all know the anguish and heartache that you are feeling.  Death is hard enough to stomach but to have your husband murdered is beyond my imagination.  Although I think most of us feel robbed.  And all of us, even with family and friends, find it oh so difficult to get through a day. Processing the feelings we are having is an uphill battle.  

I am almost at seven years. This morning I said goodbye to a good friend who I had taken in my home for the last year and half for him to try and rescue himself after a suicide attempt that almost succeeded.  He is moving to a good place and though I thought I was ready as I need to reclaim my space again it all came crashing down because the worst part of death for me is the inextinguishable loss.  I CANNOT handle loss anymore.  I am bereft and alone and inconsolable and yet I have to get up day to day and get what needs to get done.. done.  I am 67 and long for the day I no longer have to deal with how the feelings of loss hit me when and where they want.  You are in the earliest of stages and everything you do will remind you of what was.  The best advice I ever got was to take baby steps.  Sometimes it is just to get to the next minute and sometimes you can make through an hour or maybe several.  Eating and sleeping will become elusive but try to do what you can when you can.  For the first year I slept alot.  I would just fall out.  The shock is more than our minds and body are equipped to understand so taking it minute to minute is the best way to manage.  

I wish you didn't have to join us here.  No one wants to be here but for those of us whose lives have been so altered we come here because we know others like us will be here.  Read, write and cope.  Nothing else I can say.......caring for you and all of us......

morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 7, 2019 at 5:28am

Wendy,

So sorry for your loss. Yes I know how you feel and it is a horrible thing to go through. Everyone in this forum care for one other and it is a place to go to share your most inner thoughts.

God Bless You and Your Family

Comment by Wendy on December 6, 2019 at 3:53pm

This is the first year in 31 years that my husband will not be here. I've not put up a tree or participated in any holiday celebrations. Instead, my Son, unpacked our tree and decorations we had collected thru the years and while visiting his family at Thanksgiving, decorated his home with them just as his dad had done all these years. It was beautiful but bittersweet.  My 5 year old granddaughter announced she would be asking Santa for Grandpa to come back. This of course reduced me to tears. It was always he and I, and our three sons and their families. Somehow even amongst my family, I feel out of place, and still alone. I wasn't supposed to be staying at my son's house, waking up there alone on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'd hosted the holidays all these years. I miss him terribly each day. Trying to navigate this life id known that was abruptly changed is so hard, it's all so different. I wasn't supposed to be a widow at 53. 8 weeks after my husband was murdered my mom passed away. This is my first holiday without her as well. My two go to people all my life, gone, just like that. Thank you for providing me a safe forum to navigate this process, learn from others, share. Here, I know, you truly do know how I feel. Thank you for being here. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on December 6, 2019 at 8:12am

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 30, 2019 at 2:58pm

Comment by Joe Kelly on November 28, 2019 at 8:44am

Today is the 2nd for me.  Last year I stayed home alone because my Love was always so involved with it every year at my daughters house.  Two years ago, we spent it alone together in the hospital.  Again, Catch 22 because whether I'm there or not, they will feel Her missing.  I don't know how my being there will affect everyone else.  It's not just my family but the extended family and I am afraid, but I said I would be there after the cemetery and I have no idea how I'll get through it but just have this feeling that my Love wants me to go.  I won't be staying very long and asked to eat at the children's table.  The only thing I'm really thankful for is the wonderful life my Love gave me.  Yes, I have great children and grands but it's just not the same.

Tuesday is our 50th wedding anniversary.  It would had been so wonderful celebrating it but I know it will be more painful day without Her here.  As I pray each night be my last, I hope so much this be the last holiday season I'm here.  That soon I will be dancing with my Love in Her realm.

I wish Peace for you all today, even though for many of us it won't be.

Joe

Comment by Fran on November 28, 2019 at 7:32am

Linda we share your pain here. It's been 5 years for me. I find myself increasingly pulling back, esp. at Holidays. I just wish family understood better that it's hard for us to celebrate anything. I don't wish this apathy on anyone. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 28, 2019 at 6:36am

Today is the 7th year of not sharing Thanksgiving with my Husband. I will be spending it alone from now on. It is to hard to bear seeing everyone happy and I am tired of faking it.

Comment by morgan on November 16, 2019 at 5:40am

Linda,

Your post is a perfect description of where I'm at.

Morgan

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