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Comment by Joe Kelly on September 9, 2019 at 8:31pm

I have nothing that I want to or have to, to keep me busy except doing what I'm doing which has to have something to do with Her.  Like yesterday, I found a small  3/4 X 2 1/2 inch bottle with a cork when I went to the dollar store for essentials I need (even going in there without Her causes pain).  I have/had 5 locks of Her hair that I had the funeral director cut for me before burial.  I wear three of them on a necklace I made with open glass/stainless steel screw together cases with mini pics on one side and Her hair on the other.  One is at the bottom of the ocean on a memorial cruise we had booked with our youngest daughter.  I put it in a very small sealed stainless steel case, and added a little of mine.  She wanted so much to go on that cruise because it would had been the first for our last grand daughter.  It was painful being on a ship without Her so much so that I'll never step on a ship again.  She had told my daughter that She wanted to make it to that cruise when She was sick, but we knew She wouldn't (of course we didn't tell Her that).  So, I made a small pic of Her and took the last lock of Her hair and made a nice heirloom for my daughter.

Every day is the same with me always going to the cemetery and spending a couple or few hours there.  Sometimes, maybe once a week, I'll go to the store for some food (I hate eating and like nothing).  I'll go to one of my children's house maybe every other week, but always once a week with my youngest daughter.

Other than that, here I sit.  I have her 750 pics playing on the TV (Her whole life from about one till days before She passed).  I talk to Her all the time.  I ask for signs.  I saw a yellow butterfly at the cemetery that hung around her grave with me for quite a while.  Last night, I looked up yellow butterflies and found the one I saw and then looked at colors of butterflies and what they supposedly signify.  One of the meanings is that when they are near a grave, it means that the departed soul is happy in Heaven and trying to let the grieving person know.  That same butterfly was back today.  It was solid yellow, which is female, (males have a brown spot on their wings).

In order for me to keep busy, I have to do something that is about Her.  That said, I have very few diversions or anything that takes Her off my mind.  I had a visit with my GP today.  We always had the same appointment times and sitting in the waiting room is hell without Her next to me.  My GP is a great guy.  He know my wishes and I can share my grief with him.  I cried in his office talking to him.  He had told me in the past that he knows my wishes and just wants to make me as comfortable as possible.  Today he told me that he has the same spiritual beliefs I have and understands that I want to go to Her.  That someday I will.  This is my life now.  That and my first born with stage 4 incurable cancer which will eventually leave my two oldest grand children living with my son as their father abandoned them years ago.  I want no pity from anyone so please don't feel sorry for me.  I just want it over.  I'm done but have to wait for that F.... bus to come.  I had a wonderful life because of my Love and all I want is to go to Her.  She gave herself completely to me since the day we met and I want nothing more than to continue giving myself completely to Her.  OH GOD, I have to stop typing cause I'm in a frenzy right now.

Comment by morgan on September 9, 2019 at 7:15pm

Trina, Check your inbox for a message from me.

Joe,  So true.  That's exactly why I post here too.  I keep thinking if I get it off my chest and out into cyberspace at least I know I wont be suffering alone.  That consoles me.  But you're also right about it not taking the pain away.  There's only one thing that is going to do that and we all know what that is.

Ellyn, Yes, I too have kept myself so busy I don't have to think but then when I do slow down or try to get up in the morning it all hits hard.  I have found after this long that rather than desperation all the time it is mixed with hatred.  Hatred that I have to be here without him.  He always had my back.  And now there is no protection whatsoever.  I hate it.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 9, 2019 at 3:01pm

Hello All,

I am sorry that I have not posted here for a while now to show my support for you. On August 4th it was the fifth anniversary of Joseph's passing. I just don't have the strength or energy anymore to keep pushing to survive each new day. That's why I have not visited here, but I think of my family here often and empathize with your pain.

John, morgan, Linda, Joe, Elynn, Nancy, Bluebird, and many others on this forum who are having to survive the loss of our soulmate, I send you all healing vibes and prayers for peace. 

For the likes of us living is now pointless; we have to go on because Death hasn't come to fetch us yet...

Comment by Joe Kelly on September 9, 2019 at 12:56pm

I'm in the 19th month and don't know what to say, except that the only time I'm not living this horrible nightmare is when I sleep and don't dream at all.  Even when I post in a way to try to console anyone here, in a way, I'm just trying to console myself.  It sort of helps when I'm writing it because when I try to give empathy, comfort, or hope, it's those things that I need so desperately.  That's why reading everyone's posts and chiming in my own suffering at least I'm not alone having to hide from the whole world.  It doesn't take the pain away though.  Only ONE thing will do that and it can't come soon enough for me.

"I will live to the end of my days only desiring one thing. To be reunited with my soulmate." 

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 9, 2019 at 5:47am

Morgan,

Once again I want to Thank You for sharing you thoughts with us.

You put into words the things I don't know how to express.

Comment by morgan on September 8, 2019 at 8:09pm

John T,  

I saw your post late late last night.  I see you are still doing your best to cope. I remember a time that I wasn't even coping. I was barely standing.  After six years seven months I have become anesthetized.  Took at least up until the beginning of the sixth year before the numbing really started to set in more often.  I walk and talk and do things in order to pay the bills that keep coming and in order to keep my brain from having to think.  Because when I THINK, when I slow down and allow my thoughts to drift they immediately take me to how my life was comfortable, secure, safe and most of all loved.  It wasn't because we had an easy time of finances etc but we had love.  I woke up this morning and contemplated how he always had my back.  There wasnt anything that was ever going to break us apart.  Plus I ruminated about how some people marry and they have a husband or wife.  People like us had a soulmate.  Husband/wife is a term of legal stature.  I had an integrated soul and now I am torn apart.  

Luckily I am seeing my body start to deteriorate.  The rheumatoid arthritis and my immune system is working against me.  I am seeing manifestation of cachexia.  This is good.  I am having more pain throughout my body and I will stand it as long as I can.

You are absolutely right when you say it wasnt one day you lost her.  It's all the days that follow.  We all get to a point if we had the kind of love that leaves us still "coping" after the initial six months society gives us, that we understand only those who have had the experience of the loss of our soul can really know the pain.  It is why most of us come here to share our pain.  

I know I have transitioned so many times in the years since his death into different phases of how i handle my grief but the missing never stops.  It is with me every second of every day.... it's just longer periods of time between my terrible breakdowns and in between it's just managing the drudgery of living.  

And you are also right.  How is one supposed to find meaning in life?  I can't.  No matter what I do, it's not there.  It won't be.  I will live to the end of my days only desiring one thing.  To be reunited with my soulmate.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on September 8, 2019 at 6:59am

John,

We are blessed to have this wonderful group to come to and share our grief.

Comment by Nancy on September 7, 2019 at 9:02pm

Thinking of you John T.  I understand.  

Comment by John T. on September 7, 2019 at 6:04pm

Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the death of my wife.  I spent the day unable to believe it has been 5 years but somewhat surprised at how well I handled the day.  Today I have kept having outbursts of crying and overwhelming memories of our life together.  I realized it wasn't that one day that I lost her that was so unimaginable and painful.  It has been all the days that followed.  Now I have all the days to come.  This is a truly an awful day and the sense of loss is agony.  No one around me today would understand my feelings and they're not really in listening to them.  I needed somewhere to express them and I have always returned to this group over the last 5 years.  I probably will be here for all the days to come, all the days in the future from which she will be gone. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 31, 2019 at 6:41am

Joe,

This grief site is the only place I can go to share my feelings and my friends here really care about what I say.

Elynn,

It has been 7 years since I lost my Husband, Julian. I don't post much on Facebook anymore because nobody really gives a shit.

I live in Florida and hope Dorian takes me to him.

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