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Comment by Elynn m on August 31, 2019 at 12:50am

Tomorrow  will be our 45th wedding anniversary.   Joe has been gone 4 years in September.   I miss him so much.

      I'm not going to post  our anniversary on Facebook because I don't think anyone cares.   Loneliness is the worst condition to be in!!!  I only have one friend I can call a "true friend.".   The rest have become aquaintainces since Joe is gone.   

       Keeping busy by myself is a way of hiding my pain.  But when I sit down at night, without Joe here, I realize how much I miss him.   It's really lonely around here!

Comment by Joe Kelly on August 30, 2019 at 8:58pm

I'm not sure what I'm going to post but have to say for starters that we few on this forum group are the only ones I can find who have hope and belief that we will reunite with our Loves when we go where they went.  I search and search so many grief sites and haven't found one that is like us.  

Yes, many explain that grief is forever, life changing, and hard, but I haven't found one like ours where we believe our Loves still exist and are waiting for us.  They all focus on going through the grief and in some way starting a new life minus their Love, albeit keeping their Loves memory alive.  In other words, their Loves don't exist anymore, try to move on even with the pain of their lost Loves.  I look at their comments and have found no comments about what we post here.  Many do come close to the missing of, pain, and suffering, but their loves are just gone, like forever.  I'm talking about a lot of grief sites too.  Glad I found this site to share on and it's strange but this was the very first grief site I found.

Comment by Nancy on August 20, 2019 at 7:30pm

Bless you Morgan.  You say it all.

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 20, 2019 at 9:07am

Morgan

Thanks for sharing how you cope without your Husband. 

You put into words what I cannot express. 

Comment by morgan on August 19, 2019 at 3:30pm

Part 2Linda, yes and yes, I "laugh on the outside and cry on the inside".  And the laugh (or just plain conversation) is just part of how I cope for when I have to be around others.  But it means nothing.  It’s like we are forced to suffer in silence as though we’re supposed to capitulate to society's idea of bereavement.  I can only throw my hands up when I still hear how the psychological analysis talks of how it’s "complicated grief" after six months.  Hell, what is it after six years of feeling the same way?  By now I should be in a looney bin and yet here I am.  Talking, walking, working and still hating my life.
And Joe, you're right.  All we have is hope.  Hope that we are going to be reunited with our beloved because the thought of anything else other than that would be reason enough to cut our earthly cord without a second thought.  It’s that inculcated idea that disallows us from taking the wrong bus.  And it is only hope that makes us believe we can’t screw it up or eternal torture awaits us.  If only we knew huh?  The aspect of the unknown in death is the driving force behind what keeps us going when pain works to override our logic or reason.  Do I suffer now or later?  Which is the better choice and how much pain can I deal with?  Suicides are patently obvious results of too much pain. I have reached the cliffs edge so many times wanting to end it and yet I can’t. It’s not like I don’t feel like I have reached the end of my rope many thousands of times but I can’t seem to pull the trigger. I want to but I am held back because of the damn bus. That frickin bus. Do I dare take the chance and get on the wrong bus and see what happens? As of yet………..no.

Comment by morgan on August 19, 2019 at 3:29pm

Part 1
Bless you and thanks to each one of you who keep writing about how you feel and how you cope.  I always feel support knowing I am not alone.  What I don't get (and not that any one of us can give it) is the answer to how I can stop missing him.  And it’s beyond missing.  When I buried him, I buried me.  That’s even more evident as time passes.  No matter what I do to "pretend" that I can function like a regular human being I am simply unable to get over not having him beside me.  And then the pain.  The incessant, shadowy pain that is always lurking ready to slam me upside the head.
To each of you:  Bluebird, I feel your pain.  It does fucking suck, big time.  Nothing alters that.  And as far as the "pretending” goes I think I need to clarify.  I call it pretending but I think Joe put it better. I "hide the horror" of him not being with me in order to do what I have to do to keep a roof over my head interacting with the world at large.  I can’t go around crying ALL the time even though I would like to.  I did cry for many years.  In the supermarket, at the post office, the big box stores were some of the worst times because I was having to rehab houses and I was there alot.  That has slowed down and now it's only when I have to go out.  I could easily become a hermit, a recluse.  I could care less what happens beyond my bed.  I still have a horribly awful time getting going in the morning.  To know I have woken to another day of torture is unfathomable.  So, I end up getting up and getting going and "pretend" because as I live and breathe I still have to pay bills and eat and shower and do the things required of a living being.  That is of course unless I can figure out a way to make it all stop "naturally".  I beg for that day.
Nancy, you put it better than me in fewer words.  I get wordy......but you said it all.  Lost, fake, hollow, empty, apathetic, tired, disinterested and with the qualifier where you feel worse because you thought by now you would feel better.........Yep, exactly.  After six years, I THOUGHT I would find a way out of this hole of despair. I would somehow feel better.  Six damn years of thinking it might break, and even with being able to "function" better (I can actually get up and shower without crying my way through it daily) I find myself just going through different phases of pain but the grief still punches me down.  And I too wish I could be more encouraging but it’s not in me. It would be a lie.

Comment by Joe Kelly on August 19, 2019 at 10:07am

It's a Catch 22, impossible to solve.  I accept Her body isn't alive anymore, but I HAVE TO HAVE HER BODY ALIVE AND STILL WITH ME and I want that to be forever.  I know that's impossible, but I STILL HAVE TO HAVE IT!!!  The only thing there is, is HOPE.  Hope that when my body dies, She will be there waiting for me.  I tasted being separated from my body but didn't go all the way.  I HAVE TO hold onto that HOPE.  I have to believe She is waiting for me.  SHE STILL EXISTS !!!  If I didn't believe that, I'd be gone, but no one will ever convince me or in any way cause me to believe that She no longer exists.  That moment will eventually come when it will be, or... it won't.  One thing for sure is that I'M NEVER GIVING THAT HOPE!!!

Every second of every day is HELL, but this is the one thing I can't screw up.  I have to go where She went and how She went.

"I just don't understand why God won't take me. Until he does, I have to suffer in silence."  Exactly Linda.

Pretending?  No, not me Per Se, but I notice that even my children are showing signs of (I don't know what to call it), but I can see myself leaning toward trying to hide my "horror" of Her not being with me to make them feel comfortable around me.  That will take some practice and pretending.  Got to be off to the cemetery now......

Comment by Linda Engberg on August 19, 2019 at 6:05am

Hello Friends,

As all of you have stated, I too fake my happiness. I laugh on the outside and am crying for him on the inside. I ache so bad that my Julian is not in my life. I just don't understand why God won't take me. Until he does, I have to suffer in silence.

Comment by Nancy on August 18, 2019 at 10:23pm

Morgan.  I wish I had answers but I am in the very same place.  Lost, fake and hollow.  I feel worse than I did a year ago I think because I thought I would feel better and don't. Empty and apathetic.  I'm tired all the time and am disinterested in everything.  The only thing I can say that may give you comfort is you are not alone.  I wish I could be more encouraging.

Comment by bluebird on August 18, 2019 at 10:19pm

morgan,

I don't know why this has happened to us, our soulmates being torn from us, but it fucking sucks. Have you considered not acting happy and normal, since that isn't how you feel? Especially if acting that way isn't helping you. 99% of the time, I refuse to pretend. I simply can't do it, and I don't give a damn what other people think of that, or of me. It would be too hard to pretend, and I see no reason why I should. I don't know if this is the right/best way for you, but it may be something for you to consider. ((((hugs))))

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