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Comment by morgan on August 18, 2019 at 10:12pm

Please somebody, tell me how I can continue to do this.  I am so depressed.  I get up every day and pretend.  It's what is making me so depressed.  It looks like I am functioning so normally.  Now that I have learned how to talk with people and hide my true feelings, I laugh and make jokes and help others and work hard.  And all of it is so hollow.  I'm such a fake.  I hate having to act like I am ok when I am totally shattered.  Like I have to pretend I care.  Like life means something.  
I have been cat sitting.  I love kitty cats, always have.  But even that is not enough.  It's a poor substitute for what I need.  I need him.  I need him to not be dead.  To be alive in my arms.  To be that intense beam of light he was for me every day for 35 years.  To be within me and care deeply for how I felt. 
I really don't know how to keep going in this on again off again painful place.  I can go through hours at a time and do the pretending and get stuff done but what for?  Why do I HAVE to do this?  
I know why........because I don't have the guts to take my life.  I was taught that it wouldn’t and isn't the way to leave this world.  So here I am, every day, doing what I have to do to keep a roof over my head, wondering why I was taught I couldn’t leave by my own hand and hating every minute of life.  
And at the same time, I feel like part of my day I am now anesthetized against having feeling.  A zombie.  I can't even explain how dead I am inside. I so want to die outside.  I long to, I wish to die.  It’s like an overriding wish above all else.
Sorry if this bums people out but I am just so fed up with continuing to deal with my real feelings.  The ones that make up my fervent desire to cross over and not have to keep making decisions.  It makes me physically sick in my stomach because, for example, I don’t know what to eat and I either eat too much at once or nothing at all or only stuff I like even though eating like that makes my stomach churn.  Or I can’t seem to get any decent sleep.  I fall asleep in the chair and then I go to bed and I'm wide awake.  Or I go to bed and fall asleep and then wake up two hours later and can’t get back to sleep.  And most of the OTC stuff makes me sick in my stomach or gives me other issues that I don't need. 
I hate to only come on here and be depressed but it’s about the one place where I know those who know where I am mentally and emotionally, are in the same place.  Wouldn't it just be easier on all of us if we could just trade our lives for someone who wants to be alive? Isn't there a way I could bargain for that kind of trade?
Enough depression for one night I guess.  Sometimes after this long when I have reached another impassable stretch when it seems life should have gotten better or at least think I shouldn't be having such a tough time understanding death I have to come here and just scream how fucking hard this is and how I wish I could do more about it than just scream in cyberspace.  The missing just won’t let up.  I can’t stop thinking about him and when I do I just want to end it. How can I go on like this?  For how long will the universe make me do this?

Comment by Joe Kelly on August 2, 2019 at 9:48am

My Love, My life, My ALL passed over on January 21, 2018.  Since then, every day has been the same day.  I was holding her in my arms on the bed and our four grown children arrived.  She smiled at them and then said "I'm sorry", feeling sad for them because they were crying.  I was also and She looked up at me and said "don't cry".  I said "I can't help it".  We spoke and she said I was the only man she ever loved in her life, along with her father.  We were together since age 16, close to 52 years.  I asked if She believes we will be together forever someday.  She shook her head yes.  I said you won't wait long for me and no one will ever replace you.  I said "give me a kiss"  She puckered up with such a sad look knowing it would be our last kiss.  We stared into each other's eyes and She took her last breath.  At that very instant, I thought to myself "I have to go where She just went".  My children left the room and I held her there for about 40 minutes talking to Her when my son came in in and said we have to call 911 now.  I was in shock and over the next couple of days and don't comprehend how I managed to arrange her funeral with my children.  It was as if She wasn't really gone.  Then, following Her casket out of church, to proceed to the cemetery, it hit me.  I was never going to see Her here with me again.  That's when the horror began and hasn't left since.

I relive that day every day.  I visit our permanent bed (our cemetery plot), her grave, every day.  I will be there every day till I'm there with Her everyday.  Every day, I pray it is my last and this body goes on even though it is not a healthy body.  I feel like it's been too long and I promised She wouldn't wait long for me.  I hope there is no time in Her realm because I feel like I'm letting Her down somehow as all this time passes.  I have to go naturally as She did, with all the suffering felt as She did.  I could and sometimes think that I could just end it all now but have an instinctive feeling that if I do that, I might not end up where She is.  I can't take that chance.  I must go on and suffer for that chance to enter the realm She is in.  Loneliness is part of the suffering but I would feel that loneliness no matter what without Her here anyway.  I had the most wonderful life with her.  She was a gift beyond description and all I want, my only "till then" is to go to Her and continue our Oneness for all eternity.  How will it be?  I'm not sure but as long as we both know we are together as ONE spirit, we will be in Paradise.  The suffering is unbearable but worth it for what is a couple or few years compared to eternal Joy?  Never lose that hope all my fellow sufferers.  God Bless.

   

   

Comment by Jonathan on August 2, 2019 at 12:46am

Lost my wife 10th July 2018.

Life has been extremely low since that fateful day and has been praying for that day where I will be fetch by angels send by our loving Heavenly Father to with beloved wife again.

Just not very sure till now why she has to be taken away from me and when will that day of our reunion be......

By the way, I am from Singapore.......

Comment by bluebird on August 1, 2019 at 9:37pm

W0lfman,
That keeps happening to me, too. To a lot of us here, I think. I know you feel alone, and in some ways you are (we all are), but at the same time you can always come here and post what you're feeling and what's going on with you, and we will understand.

Comment by W0lfman on August 1, 2019 at 8:44pm

Well its been along time since i posted here I thought i was getting better then all of a sudden my life crashes around me again and i feel like i cant go one with out my dear wife.  Im running out of things to keep on going dont know why i am posting this i guess i just need to vent a little i have no one to talk with anymore

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2019 at 6:55am

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2019 at 6:54am

John

So sorry about your Sister. I myself spent the 4th with my sweet dog Babie J. I prefer her company to humans. She does not judge me she just loves me for what I am. 

I too believe that death does not do us part. We we love each other until we are reunited.

I had this this done the 2 year of his death.

Comment by morgan on July 7, 2019 at 12:05am

John,

The honesty we share here is of comfort considering we live in a hellish place. Death (or for me any kind of loss) provokes memories of what I had with my husband.  I too had my younger brother die at the age of 54 two years ago and it was another spiral I had to deal with.   I look at everything now through the window of the loss of my love.  Not a good perspective....

But what really hit me was what you encountered from the very people who are supposed to have a more compassionate attitude towards loss.  I had a grief psychiatrist tell me in the first two weeks after my husband died that the fact that I had the bamboo shades down in the Florida sun was because I was depressed.  First off I always kept the bamboo shades down as a shield from extra heat but I could still see light.  So she was wrong on count one.  But I was depressed?  Good lord, my husband had just died.  And she was interpreting my mental state from my bamboo shades??........Of course I was depressed......jesus, whats it take?

The other incident I have had with "professionals" was a PCP with her assistant which just happened about a year ago now.  After some quizzing as to how I felt, the assistant turned to me and asked whether I thought I felt I needed to be grieving because I had to prove how much I loved him.  I held myself back from punching her lights out and could only hope she chooses another career.  Maybe a fish monger. would be more her speed.....

You pretty much encapsulated it all  "....I love them and understand but the whole idea that we need to go on with life and enjoy the fireworks seems insane.  Feelings are feelings.  They aren't choices and we feel the way we feel.  There's no switch to throw that will turn them off, make them disappear, or give us control over them.  Grief is profound.  We survive.  There is really nothing else."

Comment by Joe Kelly on July 6, 2019 at 7:56pm

John, when two become ONE and one of the two is lost, the ONE is lost and the one left behind becomes nothing without the ONE.  In the beginning, I went to a psychologist who, lost his wife and gave me the BS "my wife would want me to have a full wonderful life" as a reason why he has a girl friend.  There is no replacing the ONE if there is true love between the two.  Then I tried a bereavement group.  After a few meetings, I realized that the whole idea in the social and medical field is to "recover"  "move on" "start a new life".  How can I do that if I'm nothing now without the one who made US ONE.  If one believes in an afterlife as I do because of an OBE after being hit by a truck years ago, my wife still exists and only want, my only "till then" is to shed my body (naturally as she did) and be reunited with her for eternity.  I only will go to two doctors.  My GP, who gets it.  He knows I will not let medical interfere with dying naturally and said "I know your wishes and I just want to make you as comfortable as possible".  The other doctor I see gets it too and is a very spiritually practicing Christian.  I go to him for ingrown toe nails.  That's just painful but won't take me where I want to go.  To the one that will make me ONE again.  Even though I am living in hell right now, I consider myself the luckiest man in the world having become ONE with my wife.  Having a wonderful life with her "IN LOVE" our entire life since age 16.  Our 51 years together was wonderful, but it wan't "till death do us part", it was FOREVER and we both wanted that, talking about it at times throughout our lives.

Most never experience what we experienced and in a way, I pity them for they may end up going to no one in the end.  I have belief and hope and no one will talk me out of that.  No one will "fix me" the way they think it should be.  Most think that this is it and when we shed our bodies, we just don't exist.  I KNOW differently.  We will spiritually exist in a different realm.  You are so right about our feelings.  And you are so right about how others want us to to be.  We make them uncomfortable.  It's for them that they want you to "recover".  Same as many in the medical and counseling field.  That's their job and they want to succeed in helping their patients "recover".  They just don't know how it is to be ONE with with our LOVES, and experience becoming nothing when we lose that one in our lives in this realm. 

Thank you for sharing your experience.  A lot of us here identify.  Your insights are right on except; yes, there is an answer.  Someday and it can't come soon enough for me, I will reunite and adore my LOVE for all eternity.  God Bless. 

Comment by John T. on July 6, 2019 at 4:27pm

I went to a family gathering for the 4th and was surprised with a birthday party.  My sister died the day before my birthday so it was a heartfelt effort.  I felt sick through the whole experience and I'm sure I didn't hide my feelings too well.  That's why I rarely socialize.  No one but a masochist would want to be around me.  Denial and distraction seem to be possible for others but I haven't found that possible.  What's strange is I don't feel the loss of my sister that much but I'm reliving the death of my wife as if the whole thing is starting over.  Again the earth has been pulled from beneath my feet and I'm falling through a fog of hopelessness.  A psychiatrist told me some time ago that my grieving has become "self-indulgent."  As a therapist myself, I couldn't believe it.  He seemed shocked at how I responded and it was with words I wouldn't repeat here.  The man has been married four times so loving relationships probably mean little to him.  I mean. what's the problem?  Just move on and pick yourself up and dust yourself off.  There are those, including members of my family, who don't want to talk about how they feel and just bury what's happened in massive denial.  The last thing anyone wants to hear is anything about my wife.  It's as if she didn't really exist and was never a real part of their lives.  I don't mean they're heartless, just that they don't want to see me in pain.  I'm the one who is supposed to have himself together, the educated know-it-all with all the answers.  My doubts, fears, and pain are disconcerting to them.  I understand my role in the family but again it's me on my own and please just pretend I'm just fine.  I suppose I'll do it all again and no one will understand what this is like.  I just don't see much point to the whole thing right now.  Lord, I love them and understand but the whole idea that we need to go on with life and enjoy the fireworks seems insane.  Feelings are feelings.  They aren't choices and we feel the way we feel.  There's no switch to throw that will turn them off, make them disappear, or give us control over them.  Grief is profound.  We survive.  There is really nothing else.  At least that's how it has seemed to me for the last four years and now it all begins again.  No.  I have found no answers.

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