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Comment by Jonathan on August 2, 2019 at 12:46am

Lost my wife 10th July 2018.

Life has been extremely low since that fateful day and has been praying for that day where I will be fetch by angels send by our loving Heavenly Father to with beloved wife again.

Just not very sure till now why she has to be taken away from me and when will that day of our reunion be......

By the way, I am from Singapore.......

Comment by bluebird on August 1, 2019 at 9:37pm

W0lfman,
That keeps happening to me, too. To a lot of us here, I think. I know you feel alone, and in some ways you are (we all are), but at the same time you can always come here and post what you're feeling and what's going on with you, and we will understand.

Comment by W0lfman on August 1, 2019 at 8:44pm

Well its been along time since i posted here I thought i was getting better then all of a sudden my life crashes around me again and i feel like i cant go one with out my dear wife.  Im running out of things to keep on going dont know why i am posting this i guess i just need to vent a little i have no one to talk with anymore

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2019 at 6:55am

Comment by Linda Engberg on July 7, 2019 at 6:54am

John

So sorry about your Sister. I myself spent the 4th with my sweet dog Babie J. I prefer her company to humans. She does not judge me she just loves me for what I am. 

I too believe that death does not do us part. We we love each other until we are reunited.

I had this this done the 2 year of his death.

Comment by morgan on July 7, 2019 at 12:05am

John,

The honesty we share here is of comfort considering we live in a hellish place. Death (or for me any kind of loss) provokes memories of what I had with my husband.  I too had my younger brother die at the age of 54 two years ago and it was another spiral I had to deal with.   I look at everything now through the window of the loss of my love.  Not a good perspective....

But what really hit me was what you encountered from the very people who are supposed to have a more compassionate attitude towards loss.  I had a grief psychiatrist tell me in the first two weeks after my husband died that the fact that I had the bamboo shades down in the Florida sun was because I was depressed.  First off I always kept the bamboo shades down as a shield from extra heat but I could still see light.  So she was wrong on count one.  But I was depressed?  Good lord, my husband had just died.  And she was interpreting my mental state from my bamboo shades??........Of course I was depressed......jesus, whats it take?

The other incident I have had with "professionals" was a PCP with her assistant which just happened about a year ago now.  After some quizzing as to how I felt, the assistant turned to me and asked whether I thought I felt I needed to be grieving because I had to prove how much I loved him.  I held myself back from punching her lights out and could only hope she chooses another career.  Maybe a fish monger. would be more her speed.....

You pretty much encapsulated it all  "....I love them and understand but the whole idea that we need to go on with life and enjoy the fireworks seems insane.  Feelings are feelings.  They aren't choices and we feel the way we feel.  There's no switch to throw that will turn them off, make them disappear, or give us control over them.  Grief is profound.  We survive.  There is really nothing else."

Comment by Joe Kelly on July 6, 2019 at 7:56pm

John, when two become ONE and one of the two is lost, the ONE is lost and the one left behind becomes nothing without the ONE.  In the beginning, I went to a psychologist who, lost his wife and gave me the BS "my wife would want me to have a full wonderful life" as a reason why he has a girl friend.  There is no replacing the ONE if there is true love between the two.  Then I tried a bereavement group.  After a few meetings, I realized that the whole idea in the social and medical field is to "recover"  "move on" "start a new life".  How can I do that if I'm nothing now without the one who made US ONE.  If one believes in an afterlife as I do because of an OBE after being hit by a truck years ago, my wife still exists and only want, my only "till then" is to shed my body (naturally as she did) and be reunited with her for eternity.  I only will go to two doctors.  My GP, who gets it.  He knows I will not let medical interfere with dying naturally and said "I know your wishes and I just want to make you as comfortable as possible".  The other doctor I see gets it too and is a very spiritually practicing Christian.  I go to him for ingrown toe nails.  That's just painful but won't take me where I want to go.  To the one that will make me ONE again.  Even though I am living in hell right now, I consider myself the luckiest man in the world having become ONE with my wife.  Having a wonderful life with her "IN LOVE" our entire life since age 16.  Our 51 years together was wonderful, but it wan't "till death do us part", it was FOREVER and we both wanted that, talking about it at times throughout our lives.

Most never experience what we experienced and in a way, I pity them for they may end up going to no one in the end.  I have belief and hope and no one will talk me out of that.  No one will "fix me" the way they think it should be.  Most think that this is it and when we shed our bodies, we just don't exist.  I KNOW differently.  We will spiritually exist in a different realm.  You are so right about our feelings.  And you are so right about how others want us to to be.  We make them uncomfortable.  It's for them that they want you to "recover".  Same as many in the medical and counseling field.  That's their job and they want to succeed in helping their patients "recover".  They just don't know how it is to be ONE with with our LOVES, and experience becoming nothing when we lose that one in our lives in this realm. 

Thank you for sharing your experience.  A lot of us here identify.  Your insights are right on except; yes, there is an answer.  Someday and it can't come soon enough for me, I will reunite and adore my LOVE for all eternity.  God Bless. 

Comment by John T. on July 6, 2019 at 4:27pm

I went to a family gathering for the 4th and was surprised with a birthday party.  My sister died the day before my birthday so it was a heartfelt effort.  I felt sick through the whole experience and I'm sure I didn't hide my feelings too well.  That's why I rarely socialize.  No one but a masochist would want to be around me.  Denial and distraction seem to be possible for others but I haven't found that possible.  What's strange is I don't feel the loss of my sister that much but I'm reliving the death of my wife as if the whole thing is starting over.  Again the earth has been pulled from beneath my feet and I'm falling through a fog of hopelessness.  A psychiatrist told me some time ago that my grieving has become "self-indulgent."  As a therapist myself, I couldn't believe it.  He seemed shocked at how I responded and it was with words I wouldn't repeat here.  The man has been married four times so loving relationships probably mean little to him.  I mean. what's the problem?  Just move on and pick yourself up and dust yourself off.  There are those, including members of my family, who don't want to talk about how they feel and just bury what's happened in massive denial.  The last thing anyone wants to hear is anything about my wife.  It's as if she didn't really exist and was never a real part of their lives.  I don't mean they're heartless, just that they don't want to see me in pain.  I'm the one who is supposed to have himself together, the educated know-it-all with all the answers.  My doubts, fears, and pain are disconcerting to them.  I understand my role in the family but again it's me on my own and please just pretend I'm just fine.  I suppose I'll do it all again and no one will understand what this is like.  I just don't see much point to the whole thing right now.  Lord, I love them and understand but the whole idea that we need to go on with life and enjoy the fireworks seems insane.  Feelings are feelings.  They aren't choices and we feel the way we feel.  There's no switch to throw that will turn them off, make them disappear, or give us control over them.  Grief is profound.  We survive.  There is really nothing else.  At least that's how it has seemed to me for the last four years and now it all begins again.  No.  I have found no answers.

Comment by Monty on June 30, 2019 at 9:12pm

Hi John.

so sorry to hear of the loss and the pain you're going through.

I hope the coming days get a little easier for you.

regards Monty

Comment by morgan on June 30, 2019 at 8:40pm

I just read the post on caregiving.....Even though my "caregiving" wasnt for long the loss makes my life not worth living...... 

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