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Comment by Linda Engberg on June 27, 2019 at 6:17am

John & Morgan, I am so sorry for another loss for both of you. When my Husband passed he had hospice and the care was wonderful. He was treated at our home when he died. The Nurses will just wonderful. 

I am also lucky to have a great Psychiatrist who I see every month to help me keep sane.

Between her and our group. It is the only way to help me make it through each day until Julian and I are reunited. 

Comment by morgan on June 27, 2019 at 1:23am

John, Haven't heard from you in quite awhile.  Guess you've been having another round of death grief that like most, is just another guilt ridden, overwhelming bout with the universe.  

About three plus years after my husband died my youngest brother died at 54.  He had been divorced but never quite got past all the hurt and though he tried valiantly he fell off the wagon for about the third time (1st time he almost died) but finally it took him.  The worst part was no one found him for three days.  I'll leave the details out.  I screamed to high heaven when I found out.  I am still not over it.  He didnt deserve to die that way.  I have no way of combatting what loss has done to me.  I am able to function better now on the outside, but the hurt, the pain, the desire to remove myself from this earth has never really diminished inside.  I just look better on the outside.  

And as far as medical treatments and the subsequent hospice......While treating my husband for diabetes they neglected to really follow up much when he got a cancerous spot on his face.  Within the year he was stage 4 Involving his pancreas, appendix colon and lungs.  How? How does that happen?  Of course our medical system treats for what is obvious but unless you are a platinum member they aren't going to waste a good scan on the parts that might also need treatment.  And to beat all they sent us home and without any insurance we were left to fend for ourselves.......no hospice care.  Dead 27 days later.

Am I angry?  Oh yeah, I am steaming.  But now, all I want is to depart this earth.  I've had it with everything.  At this point I keep hoping I am dying as I waste away. And you know what?  Its ok.  I'm so ready and determined to will myself into my grave.  It will be a glorious day when I can see whether I will reunite with my husband.  Just can't come soon enough.  Rather than the desperation of the first five years I am now more determined than ever to get out.  I will find a way.....this is not living in any shape or form........

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 26, 2019 at 10:24pm

I meant to say that here on this forum, you are not alone.

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 26, 2019 at 10:15pm

I'm sorry for the tragic way you had to watch your sister pass John and of course the sudden passing of your wife 5 years ago.  Most of us here live in a nightmare we will never wake up from and those who haven't experienced the hell we live in can't understand it.  Strange as it seems the most ignorant of them all are some members in the medical field.  I have two daughters that are nurses.  They grieve their mother deeply but they have families of their own and must go on, and one is seriously ill. They get it.  They know my wife was my life and pray I go to her soon because there is no other way my nightmare will end.  Time for me only means longer in hell.  As mentioned in a post below by Nancy, I'm in my second year and it just gets worse and I know it will never get better.  My only "till then" is being reunited with my Love when I pass.  There's no managing anything other than financially  helping my children, especially the sick one, who I constantly fear for.  I'm alone, and take it that you are an elderly widower alone also.  Yes, why do we survive?  I too have no idea about anything anymore.  I post here and sometimes go all over the place with my thoughts.  The only thing I can say is that you're not alone. 

Comment by Nancy on June 26, 2019 at 7:32pm

I'm sorry John. Often Hospice will administer medications to help with delirium.  Some are very good and some not.  I'm a nurse so I can say that even though I dont work in Hospice.  I think it is the helplessness is the worst.  You did not let your sister down. You were present and she knows that now I believe.  Take care of yourself.  

Comment by John T. on June 26, 2019 at 7:18pm

It's been a while and I don't remember exactly how this works.  It's coming up on 5 years that my wife collapsed and died in front of me.  Yesterday I watched my 85-year-old sister die in agony.  I thought she should die at home and hospice would take care of everything they said.  Unfortunately, they said what was happening was natural and wouldn't intervene in any substantial way to ease her suffering.  She was delirious and afraid and unaware I was there.  Once again I felt completely helpless as someone I loved died as I watched.  At least with my wife, I could do CPR and feel like I tried to save her.  I could do nothing to make it easier for my sister and if I hope I never hear the word "transition" in my life.  My wife always reminded me that I cope with pain and hurt with anger.  Maybe that's all this is but I know what happened was unnecessary and my doctor said today that there are things that can be done to help make it easier. My sister never did anything to deserve this and I feel like I completely let her down.  I am feeling pretty lost, angry, and none of it seems real.  I've had nightmares as terrible as this but I have awakened to feel so relieved.  I will never wake up from this, just like with my wife.  This is reality and what's strange is it seems to be so unreal.  I know too well there is nothing anyone can say.  Before I ever experienced this horror of loss I used to say the standard nonsense to devastated friends and family.  I know now that there is never a time in anyone's life when they feel more lost and lonely and that it only becomes manageable with time.  Manageable.  Whatever the hell that means. I survive but I have no idea why.  I have no idea about anything. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 24, 2019 at 6:04am

Thanks Nancy, I am sure everyone in our group can relate.

Comment by Nancy on June 23, 2019 at 10:16am

Love this Linda.  Thanks for posting it. 

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 23, 2019 at 8:24am

Comment by Nancy on June 22, 2019 at 1:30pm

I relate to you all who have posted lately.  2 years for me.  2nd year was worse than the first as reality set in and shock lessened.  I am still in a trauma state of mind.  Forgetful, irritable, less patient.  I isolate when not at work and feel the best at work.  Weekends my mind just plays it over and over.  I am empty.  Go thru the motions.  Cant talk about it much as people dont get it. It helps me to read on here the other people who are in the same place.  At least I know I am not alone or completely crazy.

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