Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Christian on September 6, 2010 at 12:47am

Hi Jennifer - I think it's very soon for you to be expected to not be withdrawn. That said, all the books I've read on grief counsel us to fight against being withdrawn. The more you can interact with people, the more you'll find a reason to keep living. I looked on your profile and it sounds like your husband's death was just a terrible accident. Please don't blamed yourself. My brother and I have (and still) struggle with our Mom's death (she passed away in April from a bacterial infection), and could we have done something different. But, if you we knew then what we know now, we would have. And so would you have, but we didn't. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, but your husband loved you and he would want you do go on. Even if it's incredibly hard,which it is.

Permalink Reply by Jennifer Friedel on September 6, 2010 at 1:07am

Hi Christian, I'm so sorry about your mom. I just hate living so much now. I only had 2 great people in my life my 18 yr old son and my husband Mark. Now my husband is gone and my son is leaving for college soon. So I will be all by myself. I just so much want to be with Mark. My depression and anxiety attack are so bad my medicine isn't helping any more. I lost my husband, job, car, and home I had to move in with my brother all in 2 months. I just don't know what to do.

Permalink Reply by Jodi Denton on September 6, 2010 at 5:48am

Jennifer~ We dont know each other but I feel like I can help you. I was "Stuck" just like it sounds like you are. I found a way to go on about 2 weeks ago and I would like to share it with you.
2 Weeks ago I was stuck, I thought there would be no way for me to ever have any kind of life now that my son is gone. I thought sitting in my favorite chair crying all day... to the point that I would have chest pain and I am sure I came close to making myself have a heart attack was what a "Good mother should do". I didnt eat at all.. I have lost 30 pounds since the day my son died (7-13-10). I did not sleep hardly at all for weeks. I was a mess.People kept saying to move on and get over it and that was very offensive to me.. I thought they ment to just go about my business and pretend my son never existed...that is not what "Move on" means. There is a long story of how I came up with what is working for me but I will spare you the details...what freed me from the chair was by looking closer to what I was doing and why...I read something somewhere that said if you have all the above things happening to you and if you are paralyzed and not living then there is only one answer to why. What I was reading sais that if you are not moving forward in your grief it is because you are subcontiously waiting for that person to come home. I thought that that was crazy.. I knew my son was dead and never comming back..then the next day I was so upset I thought I was going to die... I was out of control.. and I was thinking "I cant do this for the rest of my life I will die.. something needs to change"... I made myself stop crying.. I didnt calm down I just made myself stop crying. I made myself go lay down on my bed.. I was so anxious I thought I would never go to sleep.. I ended up getting up twice because I couldnt lay there. but I made myself get back in bed by telling myself if I need to get up 30 times thats ok but I need to get back in bed.The next day when I started to get upset like everyday before I stopped myself and said to myself " Am I really waiting for my son to come home? could it be possible?" the answer that came back to me was yes, that is exactly what I was doing.. that is exactly why I am not pregressing... I thought it was crazy and I thought I really wasnt until I honestly asked myself .. when the "Yes" came back to me I cried about it for 2 days... BUT.. after I admitted to myself that that was what I was doing it freed me up after I thought about it and processed my emotions. I woke up on the 3rd day and went to my chair I sat down and thought "Hmmm... I am feeling better today.. I dont feel like I need to cry." so to test it I went over to the sink to do some dishes that had been in the sink since my son died.. I told myself I needed to do the dishes and that I could run back to my chair anytime I want and cry.. it's ok." I did the dishes... I didnt need to cry..I went to put a load of laundry and told myself if I needed to run back to my chair and cry it would be ok... I told myself if I needed to cry while I did the laundry then that was ok too.... did the laundry and didnt need to cry or run back to the safety of my chair.By forcing myself to do things I taught myself that I CAN do the things that need to get done and still miss my son.. I can take him with me in whatever I do I am not leaving him behind at all... he is comming with me and I am being productiven I.E. "Moving on"....once I realized all this stuff I didnt feel like crying so much and there have been a whole day when I have not cried... I've missed my son still but when the tears start comming I stop myself, not because I want to block them out but because I want to cry when I feel like I want to cry and I didnt feel like it just then. I gained control and gave myself permission to cry and run back to my chair anytime I want to and it worked and it keeps on working... I know I am going to have some out of control days ahead but it doesnt have to be every day... I hope my story will help you...but if it doesnt then it was just a story...you can talk to me anytime if you would like..and if you dont then good luck to you.....you arent alone.

Permalink Reply by Stephanie Eagle on October 9, 2010 at 12:15am

My husband Richard & I net on myspace in fall of 2007...We were friends for 2 years & then I went from PA to MO..We got married a month after I got there on Feb.9,2010 in Rolla,MO..A few months later we moved back to were Im from in PA...8 months into marriage we were pregnant...We had our baby girl Amelia June 25,2010..He had his 40th b-day on July 2,2010 & moved out of my moms place to a new apartment on July 9,2010...On July 12,2010 our baby girl & I woke up & I found my husband-best friend Richard dead in his sleep in our bedroom...I feel shock too...My mind can't beleive he is gone...It feels like he is on a vacation & will come home at anytime...I called 911 & the guy told me to move him,move pillows,turn him on his back...I couldn't do it cause I had stiches from having baby...the police & emt's came they made me take baby downstairs while they worked on him...They came down about 15 to a half an hour later & said hun he's gone...I started screaming no he's not go back upstairs & work on him more..They said we can't he's gone he has been dead for hours...He died right after I told him to go to sleep...When I think of him all is I can remember is when I found him dead..Also fights we had & ect...I feel like Im lost without him...He wanted to be married so bad & have another child...He got that but it wasn't for very long...I thought him & I would of been together to see our children grow & have kids of their own...Grow old together...God had other plans for us but I don't understand what it is...Thanks for Reading this

Permalink Reply by Stephanie Eagle on October 10, 2010 at 10:07am

My husband Richard & I met on myspace in fall of 2007...We were friends for 2 years & then I went from PA to MO..We got married a month after I got there on Feb.9,2010 in Rolla,MO..A few months later we moved back to were I'm from in PA...8 months into marriage we were pregnant...We had our baby girl Amelia June 25,2010..He had his 40th b-day on July 2,2010 & moved out of my moms place to a new apartment on July 9,2010...On July 12,2010 our baby girl & I woke up.I found my husband-best friend Richard dead in his sleep in our bedroom...I feel shock too...My mind can't beleive he is gone...It feels like he is on a vacation & will come home at anytime...I called 911 & the guy told me to move him,move pillows,turn him on his back...I couldn't do it cause I had stiches from having baby...the police & emt's came they made me take baby downstairs while they worked on him...They came down about 15 to a half an hour later & said hun he's gone...I started screaming no he's not go back upstairs & work on him more..They said we can't he's gone he has been dead for hours...He died right after I told him to go to sleep...When I think of him all is I can remember is when I found him dead..Also fights we had & ect...I feel like I'm lost without him...He wanted to be married so bad & have another child...He got that but it wasn't for very long...I thought him & I would of been together to see our children grow & have kids of their own...Grow old together...God had other plans for us but I don't understand what it is...Thanks for Reading this

Permalink Reply by Julie Dolsey-Weiss on October 10, 2010 at 7:58pm

You are being too hard on yourself. We all go through woulda, coulda, shoulda's during times like these. I felt like if I had been with my mom I could have changed the out come. Your loss is so fresh and all your feelings are normal....Do the things like spreading his ashes when you are ready. Talk to people you feel safe with expressing yourself with. Don't rush yourself, go at your own pace.

I pray for you
Juls

Permalink Reply by Tammy on October 22, 2010 at 7:58pm

Dear Jennifer,
I'm sorry it has been so hard for you, but we all grieve in different ways and there is no "start" and "stop" time. November 12, 2010 will be the one year anniversary since my husband died from a massive heart attack. I have tried to return to work three times and I finally resigned on October 1st. Because of the nature of my work, it was the best decision I could make right now. Almost one year later, I still sit in my husband's recliner most days and cry. I'm always looking at old pictures and I too have a lot of guilt about his death, like "Why didn't I see this coming? What could I have done to prevent this?" I wish I wasn't in this emotional space, but here I am. I think most of us have guilt over things that we had no control over. Your husband's accident was so tragic, but it was NOT your fault.

Jennifer, your husband died only 4 months ago. It is still so fresh. You do what you need to do for yourself right now. I believe that one day you'll be able to separate from some things. If you never sprinkle his ashes, just remember that he is with God and those are his earthly remains, which we all cling to. Mark is not angry with you, he wants you to be comforted and you will be reunited in Heaven one day.

God Bless you Jennifer!
Tammy

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on November 1, 2010 at 5:07am

Jennifer,

Do whatever you need to do.

Nobody knows your pain or grief and loss like you do.

There is so much expected in the first few months, and then every one wants you to get on with it.

And you wonder what 'it' is.

I reclused over the winter. Didn't even go to the supermarket (online shopping!). And this weekend I went to a get together with seventy people.

I had my plan A, B and C and went with a special person who understood. I had a fabulous time. Laughed, cried, and most of all realised that those seventy people all had their stories and pain as well.

Even when you feel like you want to die, there will be something when you most don't want it, that drags you back into life.

Big hug to you and hope. XX