Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Pastor Jenine Marie Mason on May 18, 2010 at 9:44pm

Im so sorry for your pain and your loss, but it IS why you are here. You need support and someone to talk to even if it is on the net. I am here for the same reason. I help alot of people with their issues, but for mine, I need others to talk to as well. It is healthy even to just come and "vent" . It has to come out or it will fester inside and feel like a bleeding wound. It hurts bad enough on its own without us becoming isolated. Im glad you are here, and I will "listen" any time you want hon. just vent away..

Permalink Reply by rodan99 on May 18, 2010 at 9:58pm

Thanks so much, I'm waiting to join a grieving group and was told that it should begin in early June. I have the support of friends and both of our families as well as a good friend/roomate that has lived with us for 15yrs.
Yet with all this I can't seem to get it together, i find myself wandering, not being able to focus and just being SAD! I feel so out of control and think that I'm loosing my mind a little. I was told that I should read a book called "I wasn't ready to say goodbye" have you heard of this book and do you have any thoughts or recommendations on other books that I might find helpful. Truth is i don't know if anything can help my state of mind but I'm willing to try anything and the only thing I know is that Rob would want me to continue on but it doesn't seem possible right now. Thanks for responding and I'll come back here again.
thanks,
rodan99

Permalink Reply by Pastor Jenine Marie Mason on May 18, 2010 at 10:04pm

I found that there were no books that I could even focus on when the grief was new. I clung to God, was sad all of the time, and often just numb. It is how grief goes. Kind of like a cycle or a wave. Just keep riding the wave, be good to yourself. No one can completely understand your feelings, but those of us who have gone through the same can understand to a degree. We all grieve differently. Im glad you have a grief group to go to. We dont have a good one around here so I might just start one myself. Ive been thinking about it for a long time. Sending you hugs for those difficult nights and many tissues too. I know it does not seem like it will get easier and in truth you will always feel a void, but it will become easier to tolerate in time. People used to tell me this when my son first died and I did not believe it possible. I still grieve but it is not like it was before. I function, find happiness in the world, and when the time comes, I grieve when I need to.

Im glad you are here and that you are coming back!
hugs
Jenine

Permalink Reply by rodan99 on May 18, 2010 at 10:16pm

Thank you, I am and have been clinging to God. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your son and you give great hope to those of us at the beginning of our journey through grief. Maybe starting a group would be a good thing, I can't imagine not being able to find a place with others to begin the road through this process. I will take your thoughts and good wishes as well as the tissues and remember your kindness to me today.

sincerely,
rodan99

Permalink Reply by Pastor Jenine Marie Mason on May 18, 2010 at 10:28pm

(( hugs ))

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on May 28, 2010 at 12:51am

Rodan,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is a lonely and painful experience to lose the love of your life.
I hope you have moments where the pain is slightly manageable.
I lost my partner eight months ago. It was never an experience that I thought I would have to go through. I am 47 and he was 55.
I have some days that seem almost normal and then others where it seems that the pain is not something that can be survived.
Today I missed him. I woke up this morning (Friday) and had a flat tyre, simple, but I realised that I didn't have any one that could help me. Last time something like that happened was also on a Friday morning and that is when is when I found him dead. I just wanted him so badly today and I have spent most of the day in bed bawling my eyes out.
People want to try and help but the only person I really want is not here and so I push other people away. Which is silly I know.
You take care and keep talking on the good and bad days. My heart is with you.
Toni

Permalink Reply by rodan99 on May 28, 2010 at 1:52am

Thanks Toni,
I'm sorry for your loss as well. iIt's so true that everyone tries to console and offer their support but no one can give me what I want and that is him, here with me now.
I still can't seem to accept that he's not coming back and as each day goes by I fight the idea because its to hard to face. I'm not alone but am lonely for just one person. He passed away this past Feb 22nd and I am not near ready to move forward even though I know thats what he would want. Having loss your partner eight months ago, are you doing better now? I can't imagine thats its gotten any easier for you but I hope so. Like you there have been so many things that I wished he was here to take care of or do. He was the one who took care of so much ie: our home, the bills and me. I have to figure out who I am now and what my life is going be like and that's a daunting task. Thank you for reaching out and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
Rodan

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on May 28, 2010 at 5:14am

Rodan,

Better is not a word I would use. Changing, challenged, questioning and grieving...yes.

I have to remember that life is a precious gift. You know that more when it is taken. So we still have a gift, even though on some days it feels like a chain.

So what what are we going to do with our gift? Sometimes you get presents that you really don't want and say thanks and then chuck it some out of sight.

To be honest sometimes I throw the gift into the back of the cupboard and then the next minute I drag it out again because there is so much love, hurt and promise.

Rodan, I wish I could say that it gets easier. Some bits get easier and other bits get harder. The flat tyre and ten days of rain didn't lift my spirits but there are lots of kind people out there and even when I thought I couldn't sort it I did. Had to move the fridge, inch by bloody inch, to obtain the phone number of the tyre people.

They sent a lovely man who likes dogs ( I have two rescue ones) and he changed my tyre and escorted me to the workshop to get two new tyres fitted.

The strange thing is, is that the kindness of others can send me into fits of sadness.

Your a long way away but you feel close enough to hug. It is going to be OK. Daunting yes, but if we go gently we can still be glad to be here.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.

Permalink Reply by rodan99 on May 29, 2010 at 1:40am

Toni,
Thanks for sharing, its heplful to know that you are surviving and I know that its not much easier 3mo, 8mo or even a year and a half later but hearing you speak does give me hope when I'm feeling hopeless these days. I went to see Rob's Dad in Palm Springs today, he's 86 and recovering from open heart surgery himself.

Its been a hard time for all of us and his Dad is very sad about loosing his son and I'm praying for him and love him so much. He calls me his adopted son and we talk about Rob and he tells me stories about Rob when he was a little boy and I look at him and see my dear sweet Rob in his eyes. I'm lucky that I still have his father and it makes me feel both happy and sad. I'm glad that you've found kindness in others and I understand what you mean when you say that it can send you into fits of sadness. It seems we're all to aware of how fragile life is and that we should be kinder to people. since this has happend I found myself moved by people's genrosity, including your towards me. Even though you are in New Zealand and I'm here in LA and feel your hug and hold you back with all the strength that I have.
best,
Rodan

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on May 29, 2010 at 4:59am

Rodan,

Not sure if you are getting this message.

But all of us have to keep going on...choose it or not. The best we have right now is helping each other.

Your not allowed to go. I am great with bills and budgets but crap with cars and mechanics.

Do you know? You are allowed to love Rob forever. XXX

Permalink Reply by Anita Kelly on June 17, 2010 at 12:06pm

I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with all of you. I lost my husband suddenly on October 26, 2009. He was sleeping that morning when I left for work. When I came home from work I found him on the floor. I always came straight home from work. But that day I ran an errand. I beat myself up over this. Maybe I would have saw him I don't know. But I was told by my priest that The Lord had already taken care of Joe. Losing my job 2 months after, the sadness & depression is horrible. I was told maybe I need to talk to someone by his family. My God I said it is not even 8 months yet! A friend of mine told me about this site, I am glad I think it does help.
My thoughts are with you.
Anita

Permalink Reply by rodan99 on June 18, 2010 at 12:42am

Anita,

Thanks for your kind words and I'm very sorry for your loss as well. I know its hard but you must not beat yourself up with the "what if"s. I was here at our home when my partner Rob collapsed on the kitchen floor and died in my arms. I've gone over and over in my mind, what could I have done different, quicker, better and in the end it was not my decision but God's that Rob should leave me and this world. I'm heart broken, sad, angry, and scared but deep inside I'm starting to understand that there was never much I could have done and the doctors agreed and have also said that he went quickly and painlessly. Cardiac Arrhythmia is what they called it, I can't understand any of it but I keep telling myself that Rob would want me to focus less on why this happend and more on how am I going to deal with it. I hope you're getting better every day and that coming here has helped even a little.
sincerely,
rodan99

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