Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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rodan99
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- Los Angeles, CA
- United States
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Profile Information
- About Me:
- I'm just a guy who's trying to make sense of what is a sensless and sad incident.
- About my Loss:
- I lost my partner of 30 years this past Feburary 22nd suddenly and without warning. He died suddenly of what the Doctors called a heart arrythmia, apparently you can be healthy and fine and your heart can just give out? He died in my arms just 4 days after our anniversary and a week after Valentine's day.
I think I'll hate the month of February for the rest of my life! I miss him terribly and don't know if I'll get through this. It's dam hard and I'm so tired and sad these days.
rodan99
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Bed time is one of the hardest times since he passed away.
Night time is the hardest part of the day for me, that's when we would talk and share about how our day had gone. Then plan for the following day, I miss doing that. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I'm missing him right this minute!
I love you Rob!
Posted on May 25, 2010 at 1:05am — 1 Comment
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"GriefShare is a church based support group. They do have meetings online, but the usual format is a group of people experiencing a loss getting together weekly to watch videos (13 weeks total) about grief and loss. After the video, we talk about the…"
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Well, it seems that my computer and this particular website aren't that compatible. It's hit or miss, so I'm going to give it a try!
I imagine that Tuesday is going to be pretty emotional for you, being Rob's birthday and all. I love the idea of having his party at the cemetery. It's another lovely gesture that you know he is smiling about. And I believe your parents are there right now? I hope that is providing some comfort to you, and also some distraction. Keep taking one step at a time, Dan, and one of these days we are all going to be feeling better. I know Damon would want that and so would Rob. Take care and I hope you find SOME enjoyment in celebrating Rob's big day! Happy birthday, Rob! xo Monica
I'm going to attempt to send you a message, but not sure it will work. It seems to be the website itself because I'm not having problems anywhere else. Anyway, I hope you are doing okay. Tuesday is Rob's birthday and in spite of the party, I'm sure you're going to be very sad and full of emotion. Very cool way to celebrate though. I love it!
I had several very bad days right after I left Walla Walla. Just felt like life wasn't even worth living. But I seem to be having better days now, sad always, but thinking more positive thoughts. How about you? xo Monica
I am apparently having computer issues. I cannot post anything on this site for the last couple of days and it's extremely frustrating! Didn't want you to think I had forgotten you. I'm not visiting my parents in Walla Walla and I notice that I can send from my mom's computer. Hmmm.....
However, I have no time to write! I hope you have had a decent couple of days with at least a little bit of peace. And I don't think you're a freak at all for taking Rob's ashes to Maui! I think it's great. More later..... xo Monica
Going to sleep, waking up, hearing his voice, having his arms around me, and just talking. You and I are missing the same things and I wish I could get on a plane right now and snuggle you up and we could cry in each others arms for what we have lost. You would have to have plenty of tissues and be comfortable with a red eyed monster with a constantly running nose...but one who likes to laugh at the worst things and just not have to be in 'control'. We will talk about our beatiful men, the good things, the funny, the worst things and still love them to bits. I am a few thousand miles away but I am going to hold you tonight . I know, I am not the one you want, but I think you need a hug. Tell me more about Rob when you are ready. XXX
Well, imagine that - Dan Ortega! Probably no relation, huh? He was born and raised near Santa Barbara (Carpinteria) and has a HUGE extended family, so it doesn't hurt to ask! It sure is a small world.
Thanks for getting back to me. Glad you got my comment. I am glad to hear that you are getting help and may join a group in June. I, too, have been looking for a support group, but found that Damon had bad timing.... all the groups are closed to newcomers once they get started. Did you discover that also? I don't get to start one until the fall. But I have met with grief counselors, mostly in the hopes of having all this pain go away. I know there's no way around it, though - we just have to go through it. I am lucky to have lots of wonderful family and friends who are willing to listen. I am sort of isolating myself, but also forcing myself to do things when invited. I hate it, but I do it anyway. Part of the "putting one foot in front of the other" thing. I enjoyed your photos and like you said about my photos with Damon, you can see the love and affection in those pictures. I pray that you are having some good moments, but I know that's asking a lot right now!
Well, I'm off to work. Another thing I hate doing anymore. Take care, Dan!
I am so so sorry for your loss. 30 years together? That is wonderful and amazing, but even harder to lose that. I lost my wonderful partner the day before Valentine's Day. He also collapsed right in my arms, of a brain aneurysm. A very vital, healthy 50 year old man who took great care of himself and had no symptoms whatsoever. He lasted two days in a coma, then took his last breath, also in my arms. Hardest, most painful thing I have ever been through by far. I am devastated and sometimes feel like I will NEVER recover. And my partner and I were only together for a little over two years. It was love at first sight (I had been married many years to a man I never loved, just didn't realize that) and Damon and I found a soulmate in each other. But had I been with him for 30 years? I might have curled up in a ball and died myself. I can't imagine grief any worse than mine, but I sure feel for you.
Grief is exhausting, draining and just damn horrible. Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, tells me that time will make us better, so I'm thinking maybe they know something we don't know. I have to have faith that they are right. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and think about how your partner would want you to feel. Wouldn't he want you to heal and be a happy person again?
Take care and I hope you find some peace. Monica