Lost and sad

I found my Dad dead in his bed a week ago saturday around noon.  Right now, I'm still trying to catch a deep breath.  This week has been so aweful.  First, find him gone.  He's 71, but it wasn't really expected at all.  Then, as his only child, I have to call everyone.  I have too tell his two older brothers he is gone  I have to answer questions.  I have to do it over and over while I'm stunned, just lost and sitting there, and no idea what to do.  I don't even know how I drug myself in to plan the funeral, to search for insurance and other financial info when I can barely breath.  Going to find his clothes for the funeral was agony.  Making sure everything he'd want was in order, and with him, beyond agony.  To let him go.....sitting throught he funeral, the graveside military burial.....what can I say?

 

This has been the most God aweful week ever.  My family is trying to be supportive, but I just feel lost, and overwhelmed with grief.  I grieve not only the living person, but all the time I no longer will ever have with him.  Now his grandchildren will allready be beginning to forget him in little ways I can't imagine.  All that knowledge, lost.  All those thoghts, lost.  No good-bye.  No idea what of his possessions is his most prized above all the others.  No idea what to do with his stuff, I can't keep it all, I can't get rid of it, and I don't have a long time to think about it, either. 

 

I swear I can't hold a thought in my head, excpet perhaps the pic forever etched in my mind of him laying on the bed before me, while I looked down at him while calling 911.  I sear its all I could see in the beginning.  Now I just see a long lifetime ahead of me, without my dad.  It was only he and I.

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Permalink Reply by christianlee on May 12, 2012 at 5:46am
I'm so sorry. I too lost my dad almost one year ago..the pain is still there. I was not able to make it to the ER before he died. Too fast. I didn't get to tell him that I love him and hold his hand. It has been a very sad time for me. Dad was always very kind and loving to me. I share your pain in this heavy loss of life. Miss you dad.
Permalink Reply by The Dread Pirate on May 12, 2012 at 10:41am
Im so sorry for your loss and for the horribly traumatic circumstances.
My father died last summer, also aged 71. His death was the result of a surgical accident and although I was able to travel to see him before he died, he was unconscious and so we never had a "final conversation".
Im fortunate that I have a sibling, my sister, who lives closer to my Dads place and since his death has taken a leading role in dealing with a lot of that business.
After the death of my wife (the year before) I learned how difficult it can be to tackle so many things without the support of family and friends. So, if you have other family members or close friends nearby who can support you in any way, I would strongly recommend it.
A challenge in bereavement can be that it's hard to ask for help from others, sometimes hard to know what help you're need. My father was my most regular source of support after my wife died and along with missing him and mourning his sudden and too early passing, I have also been feeling the hole he left in my support network.
I hope you can draw on the support of friends and family in this painful and difficulty time.

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