Hey Panda, just thinking of you. I've been considering drug treatment, since my the loss of my friend I am really struggling with addiction. Honestly though, I don't know if they would be able to handle me. There are some days that I literally cannot get out of bed, and all I do is cry, and I don't know if I would be capable of sticking to a routine, going to meetings, and watching other people with their friends and boyfriends, while I'm completely alone. but then, one reason I want to go is to be around people, to reduce the loneliness. Just couldn't sleep tonight. The sadness was too much. 

I hope you are doing okay. I don't know if you take medication, but maybe you need to get your medication adjusted, since you recently had a tragedy i  your life. stay strong, hun. (hugs)

If you feel that you need to be in a hospital, I think you know what's right for you. I have been hospitalized for depression and suicidal thoughts before, and I can say that it helped during the immediate crisis, and also kept me from hurting myself. They also referred me to some other helpful mental health services. If you feel like hospitalization would help you, you can go to the emergency room and tell them you're having extreme depression or suicidal thoughts, and probably they will admit you if you are willing to be admitted. If you feel like you're in danger in anyway, from yourself or anyone else, just please go to the emergency room. She doesn't sound like a very good therapist, but I guess sometimes you have to make do with what you have. 

Panda u certainly have had a lot of loss in your life. The loss of your mom is so terrible because of the relationship you could have had with her if she had lived. Maybe you can reconnect with her side of the family, and just tell them you want to know more about her. If she had any sisters or brothers or if her parents are still alive, you could talk to them. Or anyone who was close to her I'm sure would love to meet her daughter. In a way you could continue to get to know her. I know that's not the same, it's not actually being with her, and it doesn't make the pain go away. but maybe it will help to be around others that are mourning her loss. 

thank you for the comment panda. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. i can't imagine such a big loss, especially at your age. i haven't lost my mother, but I know the pain of losing a loved one, and I'm sorry that you or anyone must go through this. hugs -liz