Today we planned to knock down the deck off the 2nd floor kitchen,replace the atrium doors with windows.Got home a little later than planned last night which meant I had to get up quite a bit eariler than I wanted. It was exciting because we had planned on this change for a while.I then realized I get more pleasure doing things for other people than doing things for myself.Even though the windows look good and the yard looks different and the patio looks better,there is no feeling of satisfaction.For 19 years I got pleasure by making my wife happy.For someone who is loving and caring who do I love and care for now?I don't want to be with anyone else and I know after losing my wife things will never be the same and I'll go thru some type of change.What happens if the good part of me changes.My friend Lynne suggests not to be so hard on myself and Lori is great to talk to about anything.Thank God for you guys  since you are very helpful. Just sharing parts of my journal with eveyone.Even though the lonelness and sadness are still part of my daily life,This weekend was a lot better than last,the house is still a house and not a home like it was, but at least it not a chamber of horrors anymore.Thanks for listening